Birthday Party Dilemma

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Birthday Party Dilemma
6
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 11:11am

This weekend Emily has been invited to a cousins b-day party. I really don't want to send her and neither does DH (due to issues with that family last weekend regarding Mike and thier kids) but there is alot of pressure from Emily to go and from other family so I am having a hard time deciding.

Last weekend the same family had a going away party for thier foster daughter. They have 3 boys and this one foster daughter. We also have 4 other nephews that were at the party. The 2 oldest boys from that family and one boy from another family were completely out of control and not supervised. There was a jumper with a slide inside and they kept launching off the slide and into other kids (totally not safe). I had to ask them to stop many times.

They kept dogpiling each other. SOmething Mike Cannot do at all. It will end up in a major behavior problem and the boys know this and have been told many times. However, Caleb (8-birthday boy) kept dogpiling or trying to wrestle with Mike anyway. Then when Mike would push him or yell, he would come and tell me Mike was being mean. He was specifically trying to get Mike out of the jumper. I was there and I kept redirecting Caleb on what to do and kept redirecting Mike. I actually had to yell at Caleb once to get off of David because he was hurting him. I asked him 3 times and he wouldnt get up until I yelled.

Later they were playing with Lightsabers (all the boys). Everytime Mike was able to get one, Caleb would find a way to manipulate Mike to get it away because he didn't want Mike playing with them.

Emily (same age as Caleb) is the only one in my family invited to the party. She can't go alone because the boys are too rough and I don't feel safe with her there without either DH or I there. Caleb and Timothey (7yo brother) have a habit of chasing Emily and being physical with her too and need to be watched or they will do it again. They are told every family gathering not to do it but will as soon as no one is watching. And after last weekend we don't want her to go at all.

Usually at my MIL and FIL's house they are supervised a bit more but at thier own house last weekend it was mayhem and they were not supervised what so ever.

I am not sure it is fair to Emily however to not let her go. What would you do? I could keep her safe by one of us going.

The other option is to take her to get her guinea pig for her birthday. Though she is very willing to wait a week so she can go to the party and eat junk food out her ears.

Renee

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Registered: 01-22-2006
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 11:39am

I would simply tell them that if they all can't go....and be treated nicely, then none of them can go...treat all of my kids the same..PERIOD!!!

It will cause a little tiff, but in the end...they will get over it and learn that they have to include everyone. We have already had to do that with my children, and step-son...on both sides of the family.

As for those other boys...I would tell them that if they can't be fair, nice, and respectful to your children..then they won't be allowed to play with your children. There is nothing more I hate then mean, hurtful children...and they seem to thrive on that. They seem as if they are bullies....and no child should be bullied, and it's our job to make sure that our kids aren't being bullied...and stand up for them when they are.

I know that you are in a tough spot, but you need to do what is best for YOUR kids....this is YOUR family...don't let these other kids pick on your babies!!!

Hope this didn't come out mean, I really didn't mean for it to!!!
Heather

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 1:01pm

Nope it didn't.

Actually that was pretty much my feeling on the matter but I was concerned I was being harsh and going to cause a rif in DH's family. It is an odd dynamic with the family as a whole. It is a large family (he is one of 6 boys) with 11 grandchildren. All live in the area and get together regularly. There are 3 ASD children in the grandkids (my 2 and an autistic nephew). None of the others have diagnosis but I know a fair share of them classically fit ADHD profiles and there are a couple who had/have language delays. However, parents are in denial and some are homeschooled and others are in private K or preschool, so it has never been addressed. So what you have are very rambunctious boys who get mine overstimulated easily when they are together.

We have worked through these problems on a number of occasions and now typically when we go to my MIL's and FIL's those boys have been better and the mom is usually pretty on top of them telling them not to wrestle with Mike. They are very physcial boys who like to horseplay. However at thier own house it was out of control. I am tired of explaining AS to them honestly. They are pretty good with my nephew but he is much more classic and noticable in his differences. It is a very difficult road with Mike and honestly I don't even want to go to family events anymore. Unless they are at my house where I am in control it is no fun.

As for inviting Emily only, they said it was friends party only with just same age children. Emily, Caleb and my one ASD nephew are all within 3 months so of all the cousins they were the only ones invited. I think there was more to it than that but I don't know for sure.

Renee

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Registered: 02-24-2004
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 1:07pm

Renee,

Why was Emily the only one invited? That seems strange. I mean they're cousins...all the kids should be invited, you would think.

I don't know...if it were me, I wouldn't let her go. I'd have dh explain it to his family. I always deal with my family, and I have him deal with his. This way I don't look like the "bad guy".

I wouldn't feel comfortable having my kids go somewhere without me...if no one is going to be watching them. Even if it's family. If they don't possess the capability of watching over children who obviously NEED to be watched...I just wouldn't feel right about putting my child thru that.

How does Emily feel about the way her cousins treat her? Does it bother her at all? I'd explain to her, that even though they are her cousins, they don't always use their best judgement in how they treat others. And that it makes you real uncomfortable letting her go with you being there, incase she needs you.

Of course, I don't know all the dynamics of your extended family, so it's hard for me to say. This is just what I would do...with my family!! Either way, I know you'll make the right decision for Emily.

michelle

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 4:45pm

Supposidly Emily was the only one invited because she is the one the birthday boys age (they are 3 days apart) There are 3 cousins that are within 3 months and they were the ones invited. There was more to it than that I think but that is what I was told. That doesn't bug me TOO bad. Dave has one cousin his age that he is friends with. He was the only one invited to Owen's party from my family, but they are friends outside of being cousins. I can't really say that Emily and Caleb are friends at all other than seeing each other at family stuff.

She doesn't seem to mind how she is treated. She does get annoyed with them but Emily sets herself up too. This happens at school with boys as well. It is just they don't stop when she asks them to but she asks usually when laughing. They get too rough for my comfort level and don't know when to stop. I am the one who minds in her case.

It isn't that me or DH can't attend the party either. It is just that we have a million things to do this weekend and hanging at my nephews party isn't high on my list. Typically with Emily she is very independent. If I am comfortable with the family and know them well enough I let her stay without me. But in this situation I am not and it is an inconvenience for me to go this particular weekend. I am looking for things for Mike to do, but aside from his stuff we have church school for the other kids, food order, I have a bunch of things to get together for work, some things I promised my mom I would do, DH and I are still looking for 1 piece of furniture to complete our living room, etc.

I think mostly what it comes down to is I am pissed at them for last weekend and just don't want to deal with them this weekend. Honestly, I would rather not deal with family gatherings at all anymore. It just hasn't been a positive experience for a long time. It is very stressful for DH and I and Mike. He ends up in constant time outs because he gets over stimulated and then ends up in a meltdown.

I know he needs to keep going out and being stretched. This is something we have done thier whole lives and he used to be better at it. I just want to quit trying sometimes with the social stuff and let him just sit home and be calm.

Renee

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 8:37pm

Well, I think that last sentence summed it up. You probably all do need a break. Emily will get over it and maybe you could all do something fun together as a family that's a little more mellow and manageable. If anything gets out of hand at the party, you're ripe for a meltdown yourself and that won't make the touchy situation any better. I know how you feel, everytime there's some kind of event at night at Sam's school it kills me to say no, but I know that it's the best thing for now.

Chrystee

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Registered: 02-24-2004
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 8:44pm

Renee,

Nathan used to be better at the social stuff too...when he was younger. Just not so much anymore. I actually do let him stay home so he can be by himself. Going to school all day, 5 days a week, is just soooo draining for him. I just feel bad dragging him out all the time. We go a few places, but I really try to keep things mellow for him if I can.

I'd like him to be more social, but he's not. So I'm trying real hard not to pressure him, but to work with him.

michelle