blessing or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
blessing or not?
8
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 10:52am
This is not meant to spark a debate or anything, but as a parent of an 11 month old who is exhibiting lots of signs of some type of autism I am wondering how everyone feels about their experience. Has having a child with special needs been a blessing to you or not? How has it changed you? I am having a hard time getting past the negative of what I am going through and I do not have an official dx yet, but I am suspecting to get one at the next eval. I read everyone's posts and based on what some of you have gone through I just want to run away sometimes- For I fear what the future holds.
Thanks
Sonya
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: saggzz
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 12:28pm

i vote for blessing, even though i probably wouldn't have said that in the beginning.

having a child with special needs has made me look at what is really important in life. for one thing, this wasn't anything i could change, so i just had to deal with it. it has helped me spiritually to evaluate my purpose in life and what purpose God has for me. it makes every milestone my son achieves so special because you know how hard he worked to get there. it helps me to see the little things in life. and it makes me question what is truly normal or is it just a matter of opinion.

i don't see it as a life long sentence, but as a challenge. my son is still my son, not a project that i'm trying to fix. everyday i try to provide him a fun childhood in spite of all the people that walk through the door, and they know that is expected of them as well. too many people concentrate on fixing their child and not enough time enjoying the idiosyncracies that make them unique.

sure, there are bad days, just as there are with all children. i wouldn't change him for anything. he brings love and a smile to all he meets.

valerie

~Valerie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
In reply to: saggzz
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 1:05pm

Sonya,

I know how upset and frightened you must be. It takes some grieving to get over the loss of those dreams that every parent has when their child is born. I would say that having a special needs child is a blessing, but it does take some time to see it that way. My son is so amazingly special and different, and if I could wave a magic wand and somehow make him "normal", I wouldn't do it. He is who he is, and it's different from everyone else.

In society, we have this notion of "perfection" and what is normal and right and good. And the truth that we are all different, and special, and isn't that a wonderous thing?

Having a special needs child has made me realise the things that are truly important and, yes, it has made me realise that I have to accept the things I can't change. Your son will build his own dreams and hopes and future, and he will need you to help him do that. Ultimately, that was all parents do. I think we just have to realise that a bit sooner than most parents have to.

And it's also very early to be worrying so much. Your son is young and has so much developing to do. I know of what I speak, because I have another son who just turned one this past month. I am watching him like a hawk and I do see signs of speech delay and a possible autism in him, too. It's scary. But, ultimately, I do the best I can every day and that's all I can do.

Anyway, I'm sure I echo the sentiments of all the moms and dads on this board. Try not to beat yourself up. I know that I beat myself up a lot for his autism, like it was somehow my fault. Like I caused it by my neglect of him or something---not stimulating him enough with social and interactive situations. It took a long time and a lot of different therapists telling me that this wasn't my fault before I started to believe them.

Take care of yourself and try not to be too scared. Your son is alive and happy and thriving. Take comfort in that.
Lots of love,
Gemma

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2005
In reply to: saggzz
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 1:30pm

Sometimes I get sad for all the things he is not. I get sad over the way society expects him to totally conform.

And then I sit down and have a conversation with my son. He will be 9 next week. He is so innocent, so pure. He is the kindest, most caring person I have ever met.

Yes, he melts down. There are days when he completely lacks control. There are days when he cannot talk about anything but one subject (lately that has been SpongeBob Squarepants). He gets quite obsessive. He didn't catch on to reading as quickly as the average child, his gross motor skills are behind what would be considered average.

But, every child has meltdowns at some time in their lives. All children are impulsive at times. Now that he has begun reading, he applies every rule of grammar he has learned to what he reads and writes. He absolutely astounds his teachers, and me! And the pure elation on his face when he rode his bike without training wheels this past weekend was the most beautiful thing I have seen in a long time.

CJ is a blessing, if people would take the time to get to know him. He is a beautiful person. His quirks are perfectly him. No, I wouldn't trade him for an "average" child. God gave us CJ for a reason. What that is, I still don't know. But that is alright.

He is a sqare peg that will never fit into a round hole, but he is an incredily interesting person to be around. One of the smartest people I've ever met.

He has taught me that we are all perfect. Perfectly ourselves.

He makes me happy.

Crystal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: saggzz
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 1:39pm

Well, my son is a blessing. I just adore him and he is such a neat person.

That being said, I would never wish for this for my child. I worry about the future and about him fitting in. All parents want their children to have an easy life, and this is not necessarily the easiest path for a child to walk.

However, it is not the end of the world. There are many neat qualities in these children with autism. They view the world a little differently and when you can get a glimpse into their world, it is quite amazing.

This is a harder path to walk, but it is not a terrible walk.

Sometimes I wonder what it is like to have your child start talking without having to worry about it, and do speech therapy. To just have them pick up speech on their own must be amazing, and I hope to watch that development with my baby daughter. But has it been awful to try to get Ian talking- NO! Just different from what I ever imagined.

I truly count myself lucky. I have a challenge with Ian, but it is not insurmountable. I thank God every day that my son was born healthy. Different, but healthy. I know a woman who's son has had to have heart surgery twice in the 2 1/2 years he has been on this earth, and he will need many more. I know of people who have children with cancer and may not make it to their next birthday. There are much worse things in the world, and as long as my child is healthy, we can get through anything.

I am so very lucky to have my beautiful, wonderful son. I am not tremendously religious, but throughout my life was one of those people who only prayed when they really wanted something, or when someone else really needed help. When Ian was going through his evaluation, I never once prayed to God to make Ian not autistic- it seemed ridiculous to pray for Ian to be anything other than what he was since I loved him so much. And when the evaluations were done and it was confirmed that Ian was autistic, I prayed for the first time in a long time....to thank God for giving me my amazing son, to thank him for letting me find out what was wrong while Ian was still so young, and to thank God for giving me the ability to help Ian.

I hope that helps a little. I know it is hard, and no walk in the park, but your son is young and there is a lot you can do. You will get through this.

Marisol
Mommy to Ian (1/7/03) and Ava (12/29/04)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
In reply to: saggzz
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 1:40pm

Sonya,


It is hard for me to answer your question directly because I don't generally think in those terms (so black and white, I quess).

Pat

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response. --

Avatar for cathby
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
In reply to: saggzz
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 9:23pm

Hi Sonya,

I am one who considers all children a blessing.

But to paraphrase the late Christopher Reeve, I prefer the days when I was shallow.

I have two typical DDs, as well. And while I love my DS to the ends of the earth, raising him is not fun like it is with them (most of the time!) Typical childhood development is really miraculous. I even realized that before I had a child who wasn't typical. But I had no idea that being a parent could be so darn painful.

Your DS, and mine, are young (mine is only 4 years.) I am told that the first 6 years are the hardest. The moms of older kids have more perspective than I do. Hang in there.

Take care,
Cathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
In reply to: saggzz
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 12:36am

Sorry to sound wet, but I believe every child, no matter what, is a blessing.

I also believe you are dealt the hand you need, or at least one you can handle.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? Well there were about 4 or 5 years there, where things were pretty hard (I have two on the Spectrum, 21 mos apart). But OMG am I ever a stronger and better person for it!

I woudn't change my kids for the word. They would probably change *themelves*, but I have read some on Aspie adults, and yes, many of them had difficult childhoods, but there are also gifts, abilities and "blessings", which come with the "disability" and which they wouldn't trade for any amount of ...anything.

Relax. It will all work out in the end.

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: saggzz
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 12:43am

So many great replies already. Can't beat those but I will join them, lol.

A bit of both.

Some things that are definitely a blessing. The growth I made (I liked it when I was shallow too but I like me better now). The friends I have made. Seeing the beauty in life and cherishing first friendships more than whether a child is the student council leader or captain of the team. The friends I have made. I am serious. Most friendships I had before were very shallow and I rarely have contact with anyone from that time in my life.

More blessings, of course all kids are blessings but thier are certain parts of my kids AS personalities that are blessings. Thier honesty, trustworthiness, helpfulness, sweetness. Ok, I adore my NT daughter to tears, but MAN that girl can manipulate. Would never dawn on the aspies. Thier special abilities. I got some of those with the splinter type skills and high academics in most areas. That is nice for me but not all parents.

A final blessing, truly truly appreciating a new skill. I went to my children's first communion and I was about the only mom thier crying. To most mom's it was just another kid thing all kids did. To me it was a huge accomplishment. Anytime I see my kids doing one of those typical passages of childhood I cry. Can't help it. First day of school. First communion. I am probably going to be a blubbering idiot if there is ever a first date. How many moms do you know call thier mom and friends to tell them thier daughter has had 3 phone conversations in a week and has a real friend?

The downers - and common lets be real. There are some. The worry about the kids future. I don't care if they get degrees, awesome jobs and get married. I want them to be happy, independent as possible and supports if they need it. The unknown is scary. I worry if others will use them. I worry if something will happen because they are more nieve. I worry about what will happen after I am gone.

Another downer is seeing the vast differences sometimes between your child and others especially if the child notices but even if they don't. Sometimes the differences come up and bite you in the bottom and it does smart.

But all in all it isn't so bad. It could be worse. They could have had cancer or died in an accident. We could have lost our spouse and had to raise them all alone. We could have lost everything in a fire or flood.

Life is full of blessings and difficulties. This one is ours to bear. I figure if it wasn't this it would be something else and my kids are awfully awfully cool.

Renee

Photobucket