>>I am not fond of the thought of sending him to boarding school and I am looking into other day schools, but if he won't try what else can I do?<<
I don't know what else you can do, because I don't know what you have tried. You say you have grounded him, rewarded him, given him incentives, bribed him and things just get worse. I don't know why things these failed, because I don't know how they were implemented and for how long. I also don't know if you have tried medications, alternative diets, chelation, DAN!, family therapy, behavioral analysis or any other possible solutions.
I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are the mom. It is up to you to be a detective and try and figure out the root cause of these problems and the appropriate solution. It sounds like you have a team to help you do it, but you need to drive the process, ask the right questions, call in the people who need to be called in to help and get it done.
Unless you get to the root of the issue, I don't see what good boarding school will do, except transport the same set of problems to another presumably less accessible location, and likely alienate your son in the process.
That is just my take, Others may have a different POV.
I am echoing the other 2 posters in saying that something other than "not trying" is definitely going on here. If our kids didn't have a disability, we wouldn't all need to be posting at this board, wonderful as all the people here are. And Everett is up against something bigger than his willpower, and I cannot tell you what it is. He needs more testing done, I think.
When was his last full neuropsych done? A full neuropsych eval will tell you so much, and I can tell you that Lenox Hill Hospital has a fantastic team that will work on a sliding scale at their Mental Health Outpatient Center, if money is an issue (OK, I'm making a good guess that it is, responding to the rest of your post and what I remember of your situation from other posts in the past!)
We just finished our 3rd one,and this time (older now), Malcolm has a strong discrepancy in scores of processing speed, that is the first time any academic numbers have been anywhere less than at the top in his testing. Of course, as Malcolm is homeschooled, he also isn't under any time constraints anymore. But also he is older, the material is much tougher, and he is challenged in ways he really wasn't when younger. So now, he does have a learning disability, when he never tested for one before.
Anyways, ((((((hugs)))))) to you. You sound so stressed out on so many fronts right now. But I also feel that boarding school wouldn't answer your son's issues, unless maybe it was a boarding school for spectrum kids and maybe that is what you meant? His specific needs would be addressed there. And there are some fine ones, I hear.
(((HUGS)))) you sound like you're at the end of your rope. Take a step back. Realize that he's not doing this because he wants to fail. NO KID WANTS to fail, esp. a child w/ asperger's. He's needing and looking for help but doesn't know how or what to ask for.
My oldest son is now 16. He flirts w/ the spectrum, has an ADD-NOS Dx and has struggled in school since 1st grade. It's not that he's not super intelligent, more that he has special challenges. He's able to cover up for it most of the time, but when he comes up against things that are difficult he hits a wall-- can't do the work period. Getting on him just makes him feel worse about himself. The hardest years were 7th & 8th grades. 9th grade was better but not great, he's now in 10th grade and on the honor roll! He continues to struggle but he now has a routine and is able to get around his huge organizational issues and dysgraphia issues. He's matured enough that he doesn't get 'stuck' on the negative or his inabilities w/o trying to find another way to do things.
I know it's difficult but try to let some of it go. Is he learning? Are there accomidations that you could make for testing to make it easier for him? (we had the resource teacher give oral tests for spelling/stems tests). He uses adaptive technologies (laptop for all assignments, tape recorder for notes, special software for organizing papers, larger assignment planner and teacher assignment sheets for a month at a time). it took him 2-3 yrs of practice to get the organizational stuff under control. We had teachers tell us he was a liar and a cheat. That he was a trouble maker and lazy. He didn't ever hurt anyone else nor was he ever disrespectful to any teacher. He endured bullying from classmates and teachers. We had to continue to build him up, make sure he knew that home was a safe place. We would support him and help him whatever he did, not that he got away w/ things, but that we didn't attack him, but instead worked to overcome the problems.
I don't think sending him away is the answer. I think he needs help, sounds like he doesn't know how to ask for it either-- he's hiding things and keeping poor scores from you. I learned to let go of the grades-- do they really tell us what he knows or who he is? Is he learning? Does he understand the material? Are grades a true test of how intelligent he is or his knowledge of the subject? In my son's case NO, grades were just a measure of how many assignments he lost, how often he was daydreaming/making up stories in his own little world, and how much he couldn't write notes and papers. He knew the content of the classes-- just didn't do the 'busy work'.
I agree w/ Sara, a learning disability might be in there somewhere, just now showing up. We've learned that our son has dysgraphia and probably some kind of dyslexia as well, tho he's overcoming it by loving to read and a phenomenal memory. When the work becomes more demanding the child can't always cover up his disabilities like he's always done before. It's very common for children to have a learning disability and be gifted academically and be autistic.
You sound very stressed and I think you need a little time out yourself! Deep breath...
Now I will echo some of the PPs. It does sound like Everett is struggling, but he isn't actually *failing* is he? His grades are dropping, and he is obviously feeling the pressure if he feels he needs to hide stuff from you. But he isn't *not* learning, he just isn't top of the class. It may be that he has some more undiagnosed learning difficulties, as the PP said - sometimes things don't show up until later, when work gets more demanding. Sometimes the accommodations and support that work at one stage aren't right for another stage.
Just because he's bright does not mean that he'll be achieving A grades all his life. School, even with the best will in the world and all the support we can muster, isn't where everyone shines. What is it that you think boarding school would achieve? Would Everett be *happier* at boarding school? Would he learn better? Would he stop being 14???? And a boy? and having Asperger's? and whatever other disabilities he's struggling with?
If there is a school that is better suited for him then you should be trying to find it. But in order to know that you need to get to the bottom of why he's struggling in his present one, otherwise you are just going to transport the problem, not solve it.
If Everett were an NT kid I would say it sounds like you two have become disconnected - you don't seem to be communicating that well, and he doesn't seem to feel that you are on his side anymore. He's not doing well, and he can't tell you why, and you are getting frustrated with him because nothing you are doing to help is working. Well, if you take the Asperger's out of it, do you think that is still the case? you are really stressed about the job situation, and I know Aspies are in their own little world a lot of the time, but that doesn't mean they don't *sense* these things the same as everyone else, they probably just don't necessarily have the skills to interpret them properly (and what 14 year boy has any kind of sense anyway??? that isn't pants related, I mean LOL). And if the problem is that you two are becoming disconnected, then sending him away to boarding school is likely to make that worse, not better.
If I were you I'd forget about the job and about school, and put in some mummy-son time. Take time out to do something fun together, start a project or an activity together, talk to each other, let him know you love him and know that he loves you, and he's safe at home no matter what. Maybe in a bit he'll be able to tell you what's up (and he's 14!! isn't that enough?? maybe he's in lurve.....maybe he's in a gang....maybe he's being bullied....maybe he *is* a bully....maybe he's found Death Metal....maybe he's found God....maybe he thinks he's gay....maybe he thinks absolutely no-one in the entire world understands him and he's actually just here on sufferance until his real parents, the Alien Kings, come to collect him....he's a teenager...!! remember that? it's *HELL* on earth even *without* having Asperger's)
Truly and honestly, that's what I'd tell anyone with a 14 year old boy who started acting up, and I don't see how having Asperger's makes that any less of a problem.
hth
Kirsty mum to Euan (9, Asperger's) Rohan (5, NT) and Maeve (2, NT)
I have done more tongue biting and turning and walking away so I don't harp on my 16 yr old than you can possibly imagine. I try very hard never to even say anything negative until I've been very positive w/ him. I'm teaching him to drive right now-- his dad makes him horribly anxious and so it's now falling on me. It's a true study in keeping my mouth quiet and only telling him the absolute necessary information. Being overly critical leads to a shut down-- I want him to get the driver's license before he's 17 (5 months) and it took a while to convince him that he wanted to in the first place (the responsibility freaked him out for the longest time!).
He will be ok, he's a smart kid, I've learned to throw out most of my career expectations for him and just let him be whatever he wants to be. We've even agreed that maybe 2 yrs of tech college will help him get the basics he needs in a much smaller college setting and then he'll go away to a university to finish up once he's able to pick a specific area of study.
Hi :).
Can I ask if he has ever been tested for Learning Disabilities?
>>I am not fond of the thought of sending him to boarding school and I am looking into other day schools, but if he won't try what else can I do?<<
I don't know what else you can do, because I don't know what you have tried. You say you have grounded him, rewarded him, given him incentives, bribed him and things just get worse. I don't know why things these failed, because I don't know how they were implemented and for how long. I also don't know if you have tried medications, alternative diets, chelation, DAN!, family therapy, behavioral analysis or any other possible solutions.
I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are the mom. It is up to you to be a detective and try and figure out the root cause of these problems and the appropriate solution. It sounds like you have a team to help you do it, but you need to drive the process, ask the right questions, call in the people who need to be called in to help and get it done.
Unless you get to the root of the issue, I don't see what good boarding school will do, except transport the same set of problems to another presumably less accessible location, and likely alienate your son in the process.
That is just my take, Others may have a different POV.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
I am echoing the other 2 posters in saying that something other than "not trying" is definitely going on here. If our kids didn't have a disability, we wouldn't all need to be posting at this board, wonderful as all the people here are. And Everett is up against something bigger than his willpower, and I cannot tell you what it is. He needs more testing done, I think.
When was his last full neuropsych done? A full neuropsych eval will tell you so much, and I can tell you that Lenox Hill Hospital has a fantastic team that will work on a sliding scale at their Mental Health Outpatient Center, if money is an issue (OK, I'm making a good guess that it is, responding to the rest of your post and what I remember of your situation from other posts in the past!)
We just finished our 3rd one,and this time (older now), Malcolm has a strong discrepancy in scores of processing speed, that is the first time any academic numbers have been anywhere less than at the top in his testing. Of course, as Malcolm is homeschooled, he also isn't under any time constraints anymore. But also he is older, the material is much tougher, and he is challenged in ways he really wasn't when younger. So now, he does have a learning disability, when he never tested for one before.
Anyways, ((((((hugs)))))) to you. You sound so stressed out on so many fronts right now. But I also feel that boarding school wouldn't answer your son's issues, unless maybe it was a boarding school for spectrum kids and maybe that is what you meant? His specific needs would be addressed there. And there are some fine ones, I hear.
yours,
Sara
(((HUGS)))) you sound like you're at the end of your rope. Take a step back. Realize that he's not doing this because he wants to fail. NO KID WANTS to fail, esp. a child w/ asperger's. He's needing and looking for help but doesn't know how or what to ask for.
My oldest son is now 16. He flirts w/ the spectrum, has an ADD-NOS Dx and has struggled in school since 1st grade. It's not that he's not super intelligent, more that he has special challenges. He's able to cover up for it most of the time, but when he comes up against things that are difficult he hits a wall-- can't do the work period. Getting on him just makes him feel worse about himself. The hardest years were 7th & 8th grades. 9th grade was better but not great, he's now in 10th grade and on the honor roll! He continues to struggle but he now has a routine and is able to get around his huge organizational issues and dysgraphia issues. He's matured enough that he doesn't get 'stuck' on the negative or his inabilities w/o trying to find another way to do things.
I know it's difficult but try to let some of it go. Is he learning? Are there accomidations that you could make for testing to make it easier for him? (we had the resource teacher give oral tests for spelling/stems tests). He uses adaptive technologies (laptop for all assignments, tape recorder for notes, special software for organizing papers, larger assignment planner and teacher assignment sheets for a month at a time). it took him 2-3 yrs of practice to get the organizational stuff under control. We had teachers tell us he was a liar and a cheat. That he was a trouble maker and lazy. He didn't ever hurt anyone else nor was he ever disrespectful to any teacher. He endured bullying from classmates and teachers. We had to continue to build him up, make sure he knew that home was a safe place. We would support him and help him whatever he did, not that he got away w/ things, but that we didn't attack him, but instead worked to overcome the problems.
I don't think sending him away is the answer. I think he needs help, sounds like he doesn't know how to ask for it either-- he's hiding things and keeping poor scores from you. I learned to let go of the grades-- do they really tell us what he knows or who he is? Is he learning? Does he understand the material? Are grades a true test of how intelligent he is or his knowledge of the subject? In my son's case NO, grades were just a measure of how many assignments he lost, how often he was daydreaming/making up stories in his own little world, and how much he couldn't write notes and papers. He knew the content of the classes-- just didn't do the 'busy work'.
I agree w/ Sara, a learning disability might be in there somewhere, just now showing up. We've learned that our son has dysgraphia and probably some kind of dyslexia as well, tho he's overcoming it by loving to read and a phenomenal memory. When the work becomes more demanding the child can't always cover up his disabilities like he's always done before. It's very common for children to have a learning disability and be gifted academically and be autistic.
(((HUGS)))
Betsy
You sound very stressed and I think you need a little time out yourself! Deep breath...
Now I will echo some of the PPs. It does sound like Everett is struggling, but he isn't actually *failing* is he? His grades are dropping, and he is obviously feeling the pressure if he feels he needs to hide stuff from you. But he isn't *not* learning, he just isn't top of the class. It may be that he has some more undiagnosed learning difficulties, as the PP said - sometimes things don't show up until later, when work gets more demanding. Sometimes the accommodations and support that work at one stage aren't right for another stage.
Just because he's bright does not mean that he'll be achieving A grades all his life. School, even with the best will in the world and all the support we can muster, isn't where everyone shines. What is it that you think boarding school would achieve? Would Everett be *happier* at boarding school? Would he learn better? Would he stop being 14???? And a boy? and having Asperger's? and whatever other disabilities he's struggling with?
If there is a school that is better suited for him then you should be trying to find it. But in order to know that you need to get to the bottom of why he's struggling in his present one, otherwise you are just going to transport the problem, not solve it.
If Everett were an NT kid I would say it sounds like you two have become disconnected - you don't seem to be communicating that well, and he doesn't seem to feel that you are on his side anymore. He's not doing well, and he can't tell you why, and you are getting frustrated with him because nothing you are doing to help is working. Well, if you take the Asperger's out of it, do you think that is still the case? you are really stressed about the job situation, and I know Aspies are in their own little world a lot of the time, but that doesn't mean they don't *sense* these things the same as everyone else, they probably just don't necessarily have the skills to interpret them properly (and what 14 year boy has any kind of sense anyway??? that isn't pants related, I mean LOL). And if the problem is that you two are becoming disconnected, then sending him away to boarding school is likely to make that worse, not better.
If I were you I'd forget about the job and about school, and put in some mummy-son time. Take time out to do something fun together, start a project or an activity together, talk to each other, let him know you love him and know that he loves you, and he's safe at home no matter what. Maybe in a bit he'll be able to tell you what's up (and he's 14!! isn't that enough?? maybe he's in lurve.....maybe he's in a gang....maybe he's being bullied....maybe he *is* a bully....maybe he's found Death Metal....maybe he's found God....maybe he thinks he's gay....maybe he thinks absolutely no-one in the entire world understands him and he's actually just here on sufferance until his real parents, the Alien Kings, come to collect him....he's a teenager...!! remember that? it's *HELL* on earth even *without* having Asperger's)
Truly and honestly, that's what I'd tell anyone with a 14 year old boy who started acting up, and I don't see how having Asperger's makes that any less of a problem.
hth
Kirsty mum to Euan (9, Asperger's) Rohan (5, NT) and Maeve (2, NT)
Thank you all for your support.
To answer a
good for you!
I have done more tongue biting and turning and walking away so I don't harp on my 16 yr old than you can possibly imagine. I try very hard never to even say anything negative until I've been very positive w/ him. I'm teaching him to drive right now-- his dad makes him horribly anxious and so it's now falling on me. It's a true study in keeping my mouth quiet and only telling him the absolute necessary information. Being overly critical leads to a shut down-- I want him to get the driver's license before he's 17 (5 months) and it took a while to convince him that he wanted to in the first place (the responsibility freaked him out for the longest time!).
He will be ok, he's a smart kid, I've learned to throw out most of my career expectations for him and just let him be whatever he wants to be. We've even agreed that maybe 2 yrs of tech college will help him get the basics he needs in a much smaller college setting and then he'll go away to a university to finish up once he's able to pick a specific area of study.
Betsy