Cant cope with life...please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2008
Cant cope with life...please help!
8
Mon, 01-14-2008 - 3:58am

Here goes a huge story that i will try and make short...


My husband and I were teen parents at 15. Had a second who has aspergers. Third child born with a syndrome and was sick first two years of life. Husband is bipolar and probably on the spectrum as well. First born is depressed and talking about suicide and doing self harm. I am really depressed. I just can't cope with it all anymore and neither can my husband. Therefore our kids are suffering...yet they our our problem. All the fighting and yelling and struggling just to parent them. Nobody knows the trials we have been through with pooping all over the house, spit at, getting bit, screamed at, things destoyed, tantrum after tantrum, etc etc etc. None of the kids get along. The schools are a pain... they just judge and act like we are the reason our kids have issues. Ya...maybe a small part but we would not have gotten this way if they were not so hard to parent...they are driving us crazy. Yet I love them so much and always feel so guilty for the life we all share. We try to get help and they make things worse. We had police go talk to them because middle child said we hurt him to the therapist. We cant even discipline them anymore because were afraid they will tell someone and well have dhs at our door. Things are so out of control and what do we do??? Nobody understands. Not the professionals, not family, not friends....they all think they know how they would do it and do it better they all think they know the "answers". I feel like a failure as a parent and feel resentment as well towards all the kids because I have no life and want to just run away from it all. It just seems hopeless. Please help us!!!.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Mon, 01-14-2008 - 5:49am

Hi, and welcome to the board! I'm sorry you are having such a tough time at the moment. Parenting generally is a very tough job, and when you add in that you were pretty young when you started, and you have kids with special needs, that makes it even tougher. I hope we can find ways to help and support you here. The first thing for you to know is that you are not alone. Plenty of us have felt the kind of hopelessness and frustration that you are feeling now. It is particularly hard when the very people who should be helping you - teachers, social services, medical professionals - are part of the 'problem' rather than part of the solution.


There are a lot of people here with kids of different ages and with different needs (NT and spectrum) and it might help us to support you more if you give us a bit more information about you and your family. How old are your kids, how long have you had the diagnoses, what specific things are you finding challenging? We might have some practical, been-there-done-that solutions.


It sounds like you as an individual and as a family could do with some support in real life too. I don't know what the services are like where you are, but do you know of any local voluntary, parent-run support groups? I know that however well-meaning the professionals have been with us, some of the best help and support has come from other parents in the same situation, because they are much less judgemental and in some ways more knowledgeable than the

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 01-14-2008 - 9:23am

Welcome.

                                

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 01-14-2008 - 11:57am

Welcome!


You will find this is a GREAT place to unload, and have people who truly get what your talking about.


First it seems that you are really down on the support that you have tried to seek out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2007
Mon, 01-14-2008 - 5:16pm

I hope you are not on the verge of a breakdown... My heart goes out to you. You need lots of hugs right now. {{{{{HUGS}}}}} I know how hard it is to be strong when your loved ones need so much out of you. Have you considered any meds for yourself, your depressed child, and your DH? When things get really bleak for me, I go on anti-depressants. It's got some side effects, but it helps me cope during those times where I feel everything seems hopeless. If you can't get the support from people close to you, you can always rely on this board. I find this board to be a source of inspiration and immeasurable support. My friends of NT children don't understand. People here do.

-- Innie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Tue, 01-15-2008 - 12:12am

Hello and welcome to the board.


I came on here earlier and I must have mised your post. I apologize for that.


I don't know if it helps you to know this, but many of us have been blamed for our children's issues. It doesn't seem to matter if you have an advanced degree or are a highschool dropout. They blame the parent. We even had a woman on here who was a child psychologist, and she was treated abominably

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Tue, 01-15-2008 - 2:02am

(((Hugs))))


My oldest son has a secondary diagnosis of "mood disorder NOS" to go along with asperger's, and your post brings back memories of how stressful life

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2008
Tue, 01-15-2008 - 2:58am
Thank you for the support and non judgement. To answer a few of the questions asked...my kids are 5, 6, and 12. 6 year old originally diagnosed with pddnos and mood disorder nos. now diagnosed with aspergers and bipolar rule out. he is on clonidine, depakote, respidal, and focalin and just recently doing pretty good. I mean he is still a huge challenge but now theres no violence towards us and we can actually take him out in public. it took forever to get him diagnosed and every single person fought us the entire way. it was such a struggle to get anyone to listen. it's funny how you can practically beg for help and no one cares but the instant they think you did something wrong they are right there knocking at your door. but...now that hes doing better on his path to that we all went crazy. my oldest with the depression is leaving tomorrow to a 4-9 week wilderness program to try and help her...we suspect she is slightly aspergers as well. husband is on meds but hes up and down and sometimes on and off meds. i think I need them!!!! we are all one just happy medicated family. in which i used to be so against meds and never would think i would be at this point. we moved a year ago and that was even worse so i took my little one and moved back just this week. husband is staying for a while with middle son so we can all have a break from each other. talk about chaos! I think i pray we have finally done something that will help our family. its just so hard because you take one step and then another few back. the ups and downs are so hard. i was happy to move back and get my daughter some help and actually feeling like ok maybe we can get through this...and then we are hit with the dhs blow. its always something. anyways i hope that answered some of the questions.please feel free to ask more and thank you again...i just wish you were all here so i could hang out with you in person=)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2007
Tue, 01-15-2008 - 4:49pm
Hi, I'd love to help in any way I can. I was wondering if you have a parent-to-parent organization in your area? Here is a google search and maybe you could find one near you? I try to attend monthly support meetings and find them very helpful and maybe through meetings, you might find someone who could be of some more physical support to you (babysitter, someone to lean on, etc.). Just a thought! Jennifer