Challenges and Changes
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 04-01-2006 - 1:05pm |
Malcolm is challenging authority right and left these days, both at home, in afterschool activities and at school, sometimes inappropriately, and excitingly, sometimes completely appropriately. He has been unhappy about the change in schools, well, both happy and unhappy. His new school is seeing belligerance, "meltdowns' when he doesn't want to do an activity, and some VERY interesting (good and bad) interactions with the other kids, who are way verbal and he is NOT king-of-the-hill here, a big adjustment. Much of his activity at school is VERY deliberate and calculating, and hardly out of control.... and that is new, or maybe it is just new that the teachers are SEEING his calculations more clearly. But I also get that there's now a strong thinking process going on with him across the boards these days, a "what changes can I make in my own world, how does this all work?" kind of thought process.
He misses his old school and friends, and his worst moments seem to come when he is reminded in some way about his old school. He is still excelling academically, the school work is much more challenging than at the old school (hooray) and he is whipping it all and even relishing doing so well, so THAT'S good.
I am pleased with the school, who has been giving consequences for misbehavior, very appropriate consequences, offering emotional support, understanding and kindness along with the consequences. Finally, however, I did have to point out to them that missing recess wasn't phasing him at all, as what the kids were doing during recess was activities he doesn't like and there were no "fun" alternatives -- so they did switch that consequence... And there will be a little more assistance in enjoying recess now.
He has started negotiating here at home to have more control of his afterschool activities and other life decisions. We are allowing these negotiations, although some activities (such as psychotherapy) are non-negotiable. He is on a long indefinite break from swimming lessons and a 4 week break from Tae Kwondo, his request. Little League baseball starts next week and he is practising hitting and catching with his coach and friends, we are going over all the rules for baseball every day and he is very excited. The big thing is to continue to involve him in both the decisions about his behavior and also allowing him his feelings, but rewarding him when he makes appropriate decisions with those feelings.
I do feel like the digestive enzymes are helping stabilize his sense of well-being, and that's great, 'cuz I don't want to go back to full GFCF if we don't have to, he just loves his pizza and spelt bread... He is MUCH calmed and happier in his body these days, even though I know school is challenging! We are still using the Clonozapem for the more challenging sports practises --- still working well --- and now I have also added melatonin for when he is wired up thinging too much at night, now he requests the melatonin when he doesn't feel sleepy at bedtime. And then, as always, the probiotics, omegas, and multivitamins. Open the hatch, dude!!!
So, the long and short is --- Malcolm is continuing to do great. I AM glad we changed schools, even though he was so happy at ASD school, because I do want him to learn more about interacting with children who are different from him and provide him with more social challenges, open up his world more, plus he does need the academic challenge. And this week, he seems to have finally stopped planning to run away and live in the wilds of Connecticut with his best friend from ASD school, they WERE planning it fairly actively and he would let me know he was going whenever he was angry with me, which was often...
Sara
ilovemalcolm

I know I replied to this. I know I did. I Know I did! But it is gone. I HATE THAT!
Sara,
Again, it sounds as thought Malcolm is doing pretty well all things considered. I know it must still be frustrating as heck to have new behavior problems in school and that spilling over to home, but how cool that he is plotting it out! Actually, if you think about it kind of seems like a new skill and level of development. I know, we are the only twisted group of parents happy when our kids learn to lie or manipulate or calculate. It is still a step up from pure fight or flight.
Cait has really gotten to the point of providing more input into her life as well and her AS. I love it. She is growing up. In fact we have her triennial IEP coming up in a few weeks and I would like her there for part of the meeting to have her input on next year. Mike isn't quite there yet. He doesn't seem to quite comprehend that level of thinking and gets too nervous in those situations, but Cait eats it up, lol.
You should get the book "Adolescents on the autism spectrum" http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0399532366/sr=8-2/qid=1143950359/ref=sr_1_2/002-8253787-5612867?%5Fencoding=UTF8
I have been reading it. It really has great tips starting right around the age of 9 and going all the way through middle and high school. Some things I wish I would have read when Cait was 9. She talks alot about "Tweens and teens". Tweens being those 9-12 yo's.
Renee
Dear Renee,
Yes, you got it. I am so excited about all the trouble Malcolm is getting in and how, because of the quality of the trouble and how he is dealing with it! We are demented parents, no doubt about it. I get these phone calls from his head teacher, whom I am starting to just adore, which start "I've got some good news and some bad news"... and I have a hard time not being all happy and giggly over the bad news!!! And the biggest thing, growth spurt developmentally, enzymes, whatever, is that he has almost completely stopped melting down... and the quality of his upsets, at home AND at school, are just mild, really. Huge change. And he's getting in trouble 2 - 3 times a day at school. Dare I hope? Will this last? Oh, I am so crossing my fingers...
I mean, tonight we were walking home from hanging with his pal, and he was walking along the edges of sidewalk tree planters like a type rope walker, slipped and crashed HARD on his knees. He yelled "Owwww" very very loudly a few times (and he has a LOUD voice), I ran over completely expecting screaming fit meltdown, AND ... nothing, he got up and kept walking, saying "that hurt!"
It's almost as if by figuring how to manipulate, connive and even lie, plotting and planning ways to try and control his life, he is leaving the need to scream and rage behind ... dare I hope.
Thanks for the book suggestion, I will so get it. I used to read everything and constantly, and in the last year I just stopped. But I do have a very healthy respect (read : fear) of adolescence and am very ready to start preparing my exhausted brain for what lies ahead and what I can do in advance, if anything. Hell, my 16 year old NT niece has practically wiped out her mom my younger sister, and she is a top notch educator and fabulous smart parent, who I call all the time for advice and ideas...
That is so cool that Cait will be at her triennial, that's a great idea, I think. I do believe that Mike will grow this way, too, he's just got that SUPER high sensory system and stresses so much easier, but with you on the case and he sounds so very, very smart... How much harder, with 2 of them, it must be not to compare Mike to Cait and worry, but you just can't, every child is SO different and just will do this growing up thing their own way and in their own time, right?
Anyways, I should try to go back to sleep. I am definitely starting the beginnings of the big "M" these days, and now having some middle of the night waking, boring. And tonight we lose an hour, but at least we have an easy day tomorrow and the weather here is supposed to be glorious.
Sara
Sara,
I have to say, Malcolm sound like he is doing incredibly well. Even the negatives are indications of developmental growth, so while a they PIA for Mom anticipate and deal with, overall the picture is very good.
I know you agonized over this school move. It is so hard to find the line between over-supporting our kids and pushing them too hard. I knew the transition would be challenging for everyone -but probably least of all for Malcolm, because you guys were so careful about researching, planning and executing this change in his life. I think you both should be very proud of yourselves.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Thank you, Paula, for your kind words.
Yes, it is always so difficult to know which way to turn. And what will be the right mix of support and challenge. Dh and I were SO lucky in our previous knowledge of the new school and strong relationships with both school's principals and staff, as this is not often the situation parents find themselves in. This has made the entire process much easier, having 2 sets of talented, involved, caring educators, both sets with extensive knowledge of Malcolm and his needs and promise!
Part of what is terrific is that Malcolm is beginning to speak up more with his own opinions and how he is feeling, what his point of view is and how he wants to participate. It has taken us a little adjusting to include him more in the process, as we had gotten so used to really making all the decisions without his input!
After the difficult end to Day Camp last summer, I went through quite a period of self-doubt, did I push him too hard and not see his abilities clearly enough, did I not provide enough support, was I unfair in the demands I put on him, etc. He has recovered and probably even grown through the experience, and I learned alot, too, but every day is a new adventure, isn't it?
Thanks again, Paula. All is well with you guys? Ever in the City? We really could grab a cup of coffee sometime. That could be way fun...
Sara
You would be amazed at how many of these adolescent issues begin to rear thier ugly heads earlier than in thier teens. The growing need for independence, the social stuff. A whole new mindset I am finding.
This year I have noticed a huge difference between 3rd grade and 4th grade, how the other kids are, what is expected, etc. I have recently read some NEA articles on middle schools. In many areas Middle school is considered between 4th grade and 8th grade. Those inbetween kids who are grown up one day and little kids the next. It is definitely a transition age.
This year for Mike's peers they have gone from class sizes of 20 to 35. They have homework agenda's to fill out. Long term reports due. Social relationships are beginning to change from regular playground play to separating boys and girls. The girls socialize and chat and the boys compete in sports. And they giggle at one another and there are beginning interests in the opposite sex.
The differences between Mike and his peers are becoming more appararent as are the changes in him and what he needs to learn. I think this is part of the reason that boy JP is having such a hard time this year and why I am so glad Mike has the supports that he has.
When John first brought the book home I thought that gee, well I don't need this book yet. But after getting 1/2 way through I realize not only did I need the book I wish I would have first read it at least a year ago for Cait. It deals with not only school issues, but home issues, parenting issues, and yes even puberty and sexuality issues.
UGH!!!!!
Renee
Sara,
Thanks for asking. Overall, all is well with us. Siobhan is doing stellar. I ran into her ST yesterday, and we had a kind of informal conference. She couldn't say enough positive things about Siobhan -but hastened to add she will be recommending Speech again next year, because she thinks the girl could use the extra support.
Peter has been showing some signs of stress and exhibiting some regressive behaviors. I am kind of glad that he is doing this now, as it is a Triennial year, and the year he will likely get his new classification. The school district have consistently pushed back on the concept of an ASD with regard to Peter, as he was one of these kids who holds it together at school and often turns into Monster Boy on return home. We shall see what develops...
I am in the City most every day. I work downtown ;). E-mail me through my profile (put the name of the board in the subject, so I don't Spaminate your mail), we can try to co-ordinate something. I know schedules are tight, but life's too short not to meet up.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Wow! Sara!
It's great to know that he's still growing and moving forward through this whole move. It sounds very challenging but also rewarding to see him thinking through everything--I love watching the wheels move in my kids heads! I'm so glad he's able to get through all the afterschool activities w/ less anxiety and he's able to tell you when he needs more help.
great to hear good things, even when they are a challenge!
Betsy
Hi Sara,
I also wanted to say how great it is to hear your news. It must be so exciting to watch your son change, and grow, and thrive in this way. I loved what you said about his maybe starting to "connive." I sometimes think I'm beginning to see this in my son a tiny bit.
It sounds like the school is going well, in addition to the supplements, enzymes and medication for sports. Finding that right mix is what I find challenging too. But we are also seeing truly good things with the enzymes. I keep fearing it will "wear off" but it doesn't seem too. I wish I had done this a year ago! We also are still mostly gfcf but I am letting Eric have things like goat's milk yogurt and "sprouted bread" and so far so good! I also think the enzymes are helping his supplements work better in some way, but it is just my instinct.
Anyway, hurray for you all! It makes me feel so hopeful to hear how things are going with all of you who have older children. I always learn so much from you and everyone here.
Katherine