Concerned about my grand-daughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Concerned about my grand-daughter
4
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 8:44pm

Hi everyone,

I am a grandmother to a little 3 1/4 year old girl. From the time she was a small baby she seemed very shy. Her Mom and other people in the family are also shy, so it didn't seem to be a concern. She was also very serious for a baby - no easy smiles or giggles. She just took every thing seriously and was always very safe - didn't dart into fireplaces or try to open cellar doors. She is her parent's first child, so they didn't even realize how different she was.

She began to be very neat and almost OCD while still very young - about 1 1/2 she would use crayons and then put them in a pile a certain way. With books, too, she would listen intently and the "read" books would have to go in a pile. Any change of this would make her upset.

About the time her baby sister was born when she was 2, other troubling things cropped up. I took care of her while her Mom was in the hospital and we did fine, but when we went to see the baby, she wouldn't go near her Mom or Dad. She only wanted me. It was as if she couldn't transition back to her parents. During the next few months, it was an adjustment, as it often is with a new baby. But the next troubling thing that came up was the fist clenching. She hurt her thumb and clenched her fist to protect the "boo boo" and then even when the cut was healed she wouldn't open the fist. She would try to do everything - eat, color, etc. with the clenched fist. It went on for a couple of weeks and then the other hand became clenched. We were all alarmed that she'd lose the function of her hands, so my daughter, who is an OT took her to a child psychologist. Gradually, they were able to break the cycle and open the fists. It seemed to be some kind of coping attempt from stress of the baby or potty training.

During all of this time she was still serious and not social. Even at family gatherings she would cling to either the grandparents or her parents - other people she saw irregularly were not welcome. My daughter was realizing this and taking her to play groups, hoping to get her used to socializing. She would sometimes find a toy she liked and play, but not usually with anyone else. She would know all the children's names and say later that she had a good time. All of this time I would remind my daughter that she, herself, was very shy and unsocial when she was little, and she didn't even have an infant sister to compete with.

As the baby has gotten older - and she is a friendly, laughing sociable baby, the little girl has gotten even more upset at any situation outside of the house. When home she loves to read, listen to music, do her crafts, etc. She has a huge vocabulary, is very artistic, drawing all the time, can carry on conversations when she's comfortable with someone. But lately, even when she sees me for the first time (after only a few days) she holds out her hand to block my face and wants her mommy and doesn't want to talk or interract. Social situations - parties, play groups, etc. have gotten miserable. She not only shies away from interacting with others, she cries and yells at everyone.

My daughter has been taking her to a pediatric OT for evaluation and treatment. The OT thinks she may have selective mutism and also sensory integration issues. The little girl loves the OT and things are going well. The plan is to win her over and gradually introduce other people. My daughter has her signed up for preschool in the fall, but one could never understand now how she will adjust.

I think that some of this is control. For instance today, we all went shopping and her mother was pushing the carriage with the baby. Sophie did not want to hold my hand, so I pushed the carriage and she happily held her mother's hand. I knew she felt safe and comfortable because she had THE hand. Also, my daughter has been taking her to a gymnastics class. All the other children interact and do what they are supposed to, but Sophie insists that my daughter stay with her, and she does to avoid the tantrum. Sophie was telling me about it one day and said that she was supposed to go on the slide, "but had an idea" and then started crying. I almost got the idea that she had engineered the whole scenario.

Many of the things she does remind me of what I know of Asberger's. I haven't mentioned it to my daughter. She hates transitions - of settings or people, she's very gifted verbally and artistically, she is not social. I haven't seen any preoccupation with any certain objects, though. Would I speak of this to my daughter or since she's being seen by professionals, let them handle it all?? Any advice about how to handle this. Sometimes my daughter is upset when I make light of the problems and remind her that she was overly shy when little, but grew out of it - but I also think she'd be upset if I took it too seriously. Thanks, Mary Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2008
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 10:36pm

I gather from your post that your daughter has already sought out professional advice and has some concerns.

In that case, maybe you could just be available to her as a support and sounding board. Ask her what her concerns are, what her fears are, talk over your granddaughters strengths and issues without either building them up or making light of them. It may be just a temperment thing or it could be something more. In any case, the best people to make a dx are the professionals who evaluate your granddaughter.

Likely your daughter will be grateful just to have a place where she can air her thoughts and feelings. You could even share with her that ivillage has message boards for just about any issue she might have with her child. I've used several of the boards over the years as my needs and issues have changed.

I would just support her in whatever way she needed while she waits for the evaluations to be done.

Best of luck with your grand daughter.

Drea

Andrea, mom to

Graham
Miles
Anson
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-01-2008 - 5:15am

Welcome to the board. Sophie is lucky to have you as a grandma!


I think, from the perspective of a parent who has been through the treadmill of tests and concerns, that the best thing you can do for your daughter and grandaughter is be supportive. If there are professionals already involved then your daughter is concerned enough to think that something is 'wrong'. Speculating can be a two-edged sword - it can throw up worries and concerns, or it can open up new avenues to consider. It's best done by the professionals - the most helpful thing families can do, in my experience, is be very loving and supportive. Make sure you praise and support your daughter's parenting - she will most likely be blaming herself for Sophie's issues and you need to make it clear to her that she is a good mum. It's a tricky balance because, as you said, you don't want to underplay it (and imply that she is an overfussy, bad mother) or overplay it (and get everyone really worried about things), so the best thing to do is listen to your daughter and be guided by her.


But also be honest. If you think something is wrong, then chances are your daughter does too, and it can be more helpful to admit that than to try and pretend everything is ok. And if Sophie is on the spectrum then she is going to need some structured help and support and you can be a part of that.


hth


Kirsty mum to Euan (9, Asperger's) Rohan (5, NT) and Maeve (2, NT)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-01-2008 - 8:27am

Thank you both so much for responding - you understood exactly what I was asking. My daughter IS seeking professional help, and that is what will diagnose this issue. But from the first questions of whether Sophie's issues were just normal shyness or something more, my husbnd and I haven't known how to react. At times I think she's just extremely precocious and strong willed and seeking negative attention. Then at other times it seems that she is content in a bubble of her little home and she'd just love to be left alone drawing and reading and whenever any distraction walks in the door (like me) she feels her bubble burst and she doesn't like it. And I see it becoming more so month to month - she wants less and less of everything and everyone outside of her own family. And then I get concerned, too, and don't want to say I'm frightened for her future, for fear of alarming my daughter even more than she is already.

I am so glad that there are professionals involved. The pediatric OT will talk to the psychologist that Sophie saw during the hand clenching period. Meanwhile I'll just give support and help when I can. Thanks so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Tue, 04-01-2008 - 9:06am

Hello Mary Anne and welcome to the board!

You have received good advice already and it sounds like Sophie has at least two strong women in her corner, so I think she will be just fine.

Although I can't say for sure if Sophie is on the Spectrum or not, I can give you some advice on things we do to help our spectrum kids. These are general tips and really not only good for special needs kids. They work well for all young kids, as it helps them to feel safer and in more control.

1. Prepare her for everything. She will feel safer if she knows the routine which is planned for the day. Say you are coming to visit, if your daughter tells Sophie "Grandma is coming after lunch" and then shows a photo of you, Sophie will be better prepared and there will be less of an adjustment period. I think the adjustment is often not to you, but to the change in her routine or expectations, you know?

A second part of this is to have a schedule, in words or picture of what is happening that day: (say) breakfast, preschool, lunch at at friends, grocery shopping... whatever. This way she knows what to expect for the day and will feel more in control when these things happen. Always prepare her in advance if the schedule or sequence changes.

2. A very consistent morning and bedtime routine is a good idea for any child.

3. Limit choices: Very often a huge array of choices will overwhelm a young child, so limit choices to two: "the pink shirt or the yellow shirt?" (in a restaurant) "Do you want to sit at the table by the window, or this table here?" Playtime: "Do you want to play candyland or tea party?" Kids are often overwhelmed by choices, so limiting it to two will usually make things easier.

4. Pick your battles. My kids had a lot of issues with food and clothing because of sensory issues. I never forced them to eat or wear certain things. However I was a stickler for certain rules -usually around safety, such as wearing seatbelts or holding hands in the parking lot.

That is all I can think of pre-coffee. I hope this helps somewhat. Good luck and please feel free to stick around here and keep us in the loop.

-Paula


visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com