Consequences
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| Fri, 01-06-2006 - 9:19am |
I am wondering whether any of you have this problem. There are no consequences, positive or negative, that motivate my two NLD kids to do what they are supposed to. It doesn't matter what the problem is -- cleaning up, eating, homework, etc. There is just NOTHING that motivates them. I can throw their toys away in front of them (and they KNOW I won't replace them), and they don't care. I can take away TV, computer, friends (what friends?!), add extra chores, etc., and it has no impact. I can promise favorite dinners, special time with mom, etc, and still nothing. I feel completely helpless, and it frustrates and angers me.
This morning I ran around screaming like a banshee after having all my buttons pushed by the 7yo, and the kids heard me curse for the first time (which the 2yo promptly repeated -- oh great). I'm sure my 7yo just thinks I'm mean and pick on him for things beyond his control, but it's all stuff absolutely within his control and capability. It's also the same stuff we go through EVERY DAY!!! He's given fair warning, then a consequence is delivered, warning, consequence, warning consequence, and still he does nothing. I don't feel like the kids can get a free ride just 'cus their brains work differently, but what the heck amd I supposed to do when they just refuse to cooperate (not to be stubborn, but because they just legitimately don't think they have to obey 'cus they don't "feel like it" and think that's a good enough reason)?!

Sylvia is only 4, so I unfortunately can't be of that much help, but I did want to let you know that she's the exact same way: consequences mean *very* little to her. And it's almost as if she *likes* the whole action-consequence thing... For example, last week she was antagonizing her brother and I made her sit in Sebastian's booster seat in the kitchen -- strapped in -- for 5 minutes, in order to cool down. She wasn't at all happy with this, and I thought, eureka! Here's a consequence I can use! Well, a couple of days ago she started being aggressive with Sebastian again, and I said, "It looks like you need some time to yourself in the chair." And she said, "Yup!" and ran into the kitchen and climbed into the chair. NOT the dire consequence I'd had in mind, obviously! Sometimes it seems like she does something naughty just to see what the consequence will be, and then I wonder if I'm encouraging bad behavior, you know? *sigh*
So, sadly no advice, but a whole lot of commiseration from me!
Jennifer
Edited 4/1/2006 10:39 am ET by littleroses
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Edited 2/19/2008 7:30 pm ET by littleroses
I think this chart/check-off method might actually work with my kids!!! I'll have to give it a shot! I'm hopeful that it's not too late for my 11yo, either. (The analogy about my dh doesn't work 'cus he's the same way they are -- they just can't see why any of it's important! I understand the analogy, though, and understand the value of what you were saying.) I also like the highway patrol parenting link. I really do try to use that approach most of the time, but I have days where I feel like I live with a bunch of little Homer Simpsons (they continue to do the same thing that gets them zapped even tho' it's unpleasant, just because they'd rather be sad than give up doing the famliar thing), and it frustrates me to no end to not be able to fix it.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said I have to figure out how to make important things important to the kids. I'll start with the charts, then while they're using those, I'll have to see if I can figure out how to make it connect in their brain WHY it's important (although so far I haven't figured out how to get through to them -- you absolutely got it right that the world revolves around them in their minds).
Thanks for your advice and experience!