Could my DH be an Aspie???
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| Wed, 05-02-2007 - 4:24pm |
I usually post on the ASD board and mostly lurk here. I remember reading that at least one of the ladies here have an Aspie H. We have a DD (2 1/2) with ASD and now its been suggested to me that my DH displays signs of AS. I'm not really sure what to think, but I have to say that it sounds plausible.
Basically our M is on shaky ground right now due to so many reasons. We are in marriage councelling and our councellor just happens to be a school psychologist who specializes in helping children with ASD and their families. She runs social skills classes for spectrum kids and does all sorts of family councelling. We had no idea she had such experience when we were referred to her for MC, so I'm sure she will be a resource for our DD in the future.
Anyway, we've had two visits with her together and two each individually. The other night at my individual session she asked me if I had ever suspected that my H could have Asperger's. At first, I laughed in disbelief, but I guess there is part of me that has concidered it, especially since our DD's dx. However, I am not too familliar with the subtle differences between Aspergers and other forms of ASD, especially in adults.
Without getting into too much detail, I just want to mention that our problems basically stem from my H's lack of emotional response to basically anything. He is also very anti-social and although he has had a few friendships over the years, he just wakes up one day and decides to drop all contact them. He's done this several times over the years. Basically, I am the only person in his life. I used to think he was just depressed or had social anxiety disorder, but now I'm not so sure. He also is extremely smart but his interests only seem to lean toward book smarts. He works in the technology field. We are on the brink of divorce, due to his reckless spending and he has already been bankrupt once already. There are so many things he just doesn't seem to "get".
I, unfortunately don't have the time right now to go into everything but I am just a little overwhelmed by the possibility of Asperger's. I really don't think it is too far off-base. So, then what? How do those of you who have Aspie H's handle your marriage? Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Dizzy

Hi Dizzy...
Candes' DH is Dx'd AS, and my husband, while not Dx'd, openly admits to being an aspie. My husband sounds a lot like yours...prefers books to anything else, is ridiculously smart, no real friends, appears emotionally disconnected. In fact, we have two spectrum kids, the oldest is an aspie, the youngest (a girl) is an autie.
I won't speak to Candes' marriage, but I will say that in my marriage, once we both started accepting the fact that he's an aspie, our relationship improved exponentially. (sp?) I was better able to understand his needs, and he was better able to work on the social skills he was lacking. No, he doesn't have tons of friends...but he has worked very hard to get over the social akwardness that used to rule his life.
I think that, if the counselor can convince him to consider the possibility, you would both benefit greatly. It's certainly worth investigating.
GL & Hugs~
Amy
I'm hopeful someone can offer some positives to me as well as you because I struggle in my marriage to my AS dh, too. We always knew that two of the kids were mini replicas of dh, so when we discovered the kids were AS, it was a huge "bingo!" moment about dh, too.
It's been helpful in some ways to realize that dh isn't necessarily trying to be difficult -- he's just AS, but in other ways it's kind of discouraging to realize that many of my frustrations with him aren't likely to ever change.
There are many aspects to the AS that I can deal with just fine (the social issues, for instance), but there are others that are very frustrating. I don't feel like I have a partner, I feel like I have another child, only this one makes bigger decisions that affect my life. Even tho' dh is a good hearted soul and often willing to participate in whatever work needs to be done, he's generally incapable of correctly accomplishing the tasks, and he needs lots of guidance on how to do it, even if it's something that's he's done a million times. Dh is also a "take-the-path-of-least-effort" kind of guy, so I'm never sure how much he legitimately can't correctly accomplish a task vs. how much he doesn't feel like doing it correctly. He is TREMENDOUSLY book smart but has absolutely zero logical thought processing abilities.
I could be wrong, but I don't think there really are any BIG differences between AS and other ASDs. As you mentioned, there are subtle differences. I don't know how much the label matters when so many of the behaviors are the same.
I sometimes wonder why I didn't see these things in dh earlier in our relationship, but I realize that of course he didn't know he was AS, and neither of us knew too much about AS anyway before now. Additionally, before we had kids, there were fewer martial issues to cause stress for him, so there were fewer opportunities for him to exhibit his AS. However, after the kids started coming along and more was expected of him, more of his symptoms became more pronounced. And, after buying a house for which we had to provide our own maintenance and yard care, even more of his ineptitudes became apparent and it all became more work that I personally had to take care of. His spending has always been an issue, tho' it's never on any big ticket items, just on daily impulse spending for food, books, etc. He'll also not believe me if I say don't spend money right now 'cus there's no money in the bank, 'cus he'll call the bank to check the balance, see there's money, and spend it before the outstanding checks clear. We also spend a lot to repair damage that dh causes due to his inability to problem solve (he's burned out two lawn mowers in two years 'cus he doesn't see the need to adjust the height from one section of the lawn to another; he needed to pee when driving to work one day but couldn't figure out that he should pull over and urinate outside, so he peed all over himself and the car then had buy a new suit to go to work; breaks things on a routine basis 'cus if he can't figure out how to open something, he'll just keep applying pressure until it gives way; etc). Conversations with him are hit or miss in how on topic, how participatory he is, how much he's making up information (if he doesn't know something, he'll make up the info, but say it like fact, so you never know whether you have legit info or not), etc, so they're often frustrating exchanges rather than fulfilling events.
I feel guilty because I know dh loves me and would be distraught if we ever separated (both because he loves me and also because he'd lose me as his support system), and I know he's frustrated that I don't reciprocate his level of passion. I also think it's kinda rotten of me to leave him because I can't handle his being "sick," especially when he's a good hearted guy with whom I've had some good times. I know the kids would be devastated and finances would be really challenging if dh and I ever separated. On the other hand, I am sooooooo tired of being his mother. Instead of his being my friend, my support system, and my love, he's become this guy I live with who helps make the house a disaster, doesn't contribute much to the care of home/family, but causes a lot of trouble that I either have to resolve or help him resolve, including his instigating trouble with the kids (he often accidentally causes trouble when he parents by not having a clue what's going on but feeling like he needs to discipline someone to show that he's being an involved parent).
I think if it were ONLY dh who was AS or if it were ONLY the kids who had AS, I could probably cope with all of this better. When there are so many needs in the family, though, I'm just wiped out and don't have the emotional reserves to deal with dh. Since we're semi-new to our AS dx, I don't want to be too rash in my decision making. I think I'm probably dealing with some depression (not because of the dx but because of all the stuff I've been dealing with for years as a result of their behaviors/moods/quirks; I'm actually happy with the dx 'cus now I know what's causing all the other behaviors). I probably need to take care of the depression, before making any decisions about my marital relationship, which might help my outlook on all this stuff and my ability to cope with it all, including dh.
Anyway, sorry so long-winded, whiny, and unhelpful, but I certainly understand where you're coming from!
Hi Dizzy, and everyone else.
Yes, I have a DX'd Aspie DH. I can't say I know exactly what you're going through, but I think I do. Being married to an Aspie isn't easy, but then they'll say that being married to NTs isn't easy either, and they'd be right.
I write a semi-regular collumn on NT/Aspie marraiges and I've talked to a lot of other people who are or have gone through the same things.
I don't have much time to post right now since I ate up all of my 'fun' time in chat. And though I really hate to be the type to Toot My Own Horn, as it were, I'm assuming it would be appropriate for me to copy/paste my first article here. I hope you guys don't mind.
~Candes
Life With Him
by Candes Meisenheimer
Simon Conan-Barren calls Autism ‘more male than male’. If he means an overdose of the ‘strong silent type’ I can definitely agree. Getting my husband to talk to me is like pulling teeth from a hibernating bear.
Any woman who’s married to a man on the Spectrum knows what I’m talking about. Most wives complain about their husband’s inability to communicate, but Aspie men give the stereotype a whole new meaning.
When we were first married, before we found out what Asperger’s Syndrome was (and even for a few years after) my husband had a particularly irritating way of not responding to questions. It went beyond just not having an answer. It went beyond being distracted by what he was doing at the time. When I say he didn’t respond I mean there was an absolute and total lack of acknowledgement going on. The specialists call this ‘lack of social reciprocation’. I call it the fast road to insanity. There’s nothing more dehumanizing to a woman than for her to walk into a room, ask her life mate an important question, and not even get a shrug or a grunt in return. It’s the absolute lack of acknowledgement that we’re even in the room or that we even spoke. It creates the feeling that we simply don’t exist and simply don’t matter.
It took us years to work out this issue in our marriage. My husband eventually explained that he didn’t know or have an answer to the question posed and that he was completely unaware that it was okay for him to simply say as much, much less that it was expected. It took him another year or two to actually get into the habit of doing it.
Patience ladies, patience. And bless all of you who’ve come to the decision to stick it out! It’s worth it; I’ll state that right now. It’s worth it to stick it out with your Aspie mate and work on learning to communicate. You’ll have to learn to speak your native tongue in a whole new way, and take up many worthwhile and involving hobbies, but Aspies can make the best husbands. At least, that’s been my experience.
My husband gives a whole new meaning to the word ‘honest’. He doesn’t lie to me, ever. While that can actually be painful sometimes I find I have to weigh the option. I would much rather have him tell me my new shade of eye shadow makes me look like I just went ten rounds with a prize fighter or that my new recipe is something I really shouldn’t consider cooking again than have to worry and wonder every time he comes home late from work or every time a female voice asks for him in a friendly manner when I pick up the phone. He works on learning to be tactful and I work on ‘letting things go’; we try to meet somewhere in the middle.
It isn’t easy being married to an Aspie man, but that can be said of any man. And men will say it isn’t easy being married to a woman, and they’ll be right. Marriage takes work, no matter whom you’re married to. If you’re married and want to be happy you have two choices: you can stick it out or you can quit. No matter which road you take, however, there are always going to be bumps.
Personally, I prefer to stick it out. I choose to do the best I can. That doesn’t mean doing my best to change him. That means doing my best at being a good wife. If he does something that bugs me I let him know. If he continues to do it I either accept it and learn to deal with it on my own or I find out if there was something he didn’t understand about my complaint or how he might go about doing things differently. I’ve found, more often than not, that when my husband doesn’t change his bad behavior it’s because he either doesn’t understand what the heck I was talking about or he doesn’t know what the acceptable alternative behavior is. And after more than a few years of marriage I’ve come to the realization that he isn’t going to volunteer information or ask questions on any given matter.
Also, it’s important for me to remember that just because I’m not on the Spectrum that doesn’t make me perfect, or the world’s foremost authority on what’s acceptable and what’s not. It’s easy to slip into that mommy-mode and continuously correct my husband over every little thing that I perceive as being wrong. If you’re having a conflict with your husband, of any kind, it’s important for you to look at your own behavior first, and to try and do so with an objective eye. If you are, in any way, in the wrong you are the only person who can do anything about it. I found that my own worst enemy in being a good mate is my ego. And being on the Spectrum doesn’t mean that my husband is incapable of being right. In fact he often is, as infuriating as that can be.
Another thing I’ve learned is that I have to keep him informed and give him plenty of warning over things that I know will happen. Don’t take for granted that the things that are obvious to you are at all apparent to him. This doesn’t mean that you should treat him like a child, but do make sure he’s aware of what’s going on with the bills, the kids, and important matters. If there’s a problem brewing and you don’t tell him he’s likely to assume that everything’s fine and not give the situation the attention it needs.
You also need to let him know what you can handle yourself and what you need him to do. Don’t just assume that he knows what is needed or expected of him. If necessary, give him a list. My husband likes lists. If there’s a problem with the car let him know. If it’s something small let him know just so he’s kept apprised of what’s happening with the important family assets and let him know when and how you’ll be taking care of it. If it’s something big let him know that it’s beyond your abilities to fix and that you need him to either fix it for you or make arrangements for a mechanic to look at it. Also, make sure to let him know if it’s something that needs be done right away or if it’s something that can wait for the weekend or until after payday. The same goes for everything else around the house.
There are tons of other issues I could discuss, but for now, I’ll let it rest. I’ve been asked to make a monthly column out of this topic in a ‘Dear Abby’ type format. But to be honest I’m not sure if I’m the right person for the job or if such an advice column is really in that much of demand. I’ll leave it up to you. Email us and let us know.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Candes Meisenheimer is the Editor in Chief and co-Founder of APOV on Autism. She works from her home office in Arizona and lives with her Asperger’s Husband and their three younger children, two of whom are also on the Autism Spectrum.
- Christina mom to-
Chloe (10) Aiden(8)
I too wonder why I didn't see the signs earlier. I've known him for 16 years. I always knew something was "off" but that was part of the charm. He was different and smart and a loner, not to mention extremely good looking. He has varried interests in many subjects, literature, history, science, computers. He has reinvented himeslf so many times over the years and when he makes up his mind to change paths, it becomes downright obsessive. He's gone from being religious, to being an athiest. He writes beautifully, then after years of wanting to be a writer, decides he doesn't want to do it anymore and stops. He is completely self taught in computers and makes a living in the field but has no interest in helping me hook up our vcr. He didn't even have a driver's licence when I met him as he was terrified of the concept of driving.
Your response resonates with me as I too feel like I don't have a partner. I've felt this way for years. After 8 years of beeing a couple I had to give an ultimatum to get married(not an ideal situation). I knew he loved me but I think he could have gone on with us just being a couple forever. I feel isolated and feel like I just don't matter that much in the end. I feel like we are just roomates and co-parents. Trying to start a conversation with him is like pulling teeth, unless it is about something he is interested in. I do most of the talking and socializing for both of us. He shies away from going anywhere that involves meeting people. He does everything on his own and it really doesn't seem to occur to him to include me in any of his daily plans or in even discussing long term plans for the future.
I too, feel like I am his mother. However it's not in a sense that he need to be babied or depends on me for anything. He is way too independent and self-sufficeint but I always have to clean up the mess due to his poor decision making abilities. The reckless spending had always been a huge problem and every time he promises to stop, it really doesn't. Lke your H, it is rarely on big ticket items, otherwise, I would have caught on long ago. It's stupid stuff like cigarettes, trips to the grocery store, etc. I take care of the bills due to his complete inability to understand the concept of money. If I tell him that we don't have any money in the account or that we can't afford to do something, he just uses one of his secret credit cards or complains about how he makes enough money to support us (he doesn't). He has no concept of what our bills are. I've asked him to look at them, but he doesn't. If I were to ask him how much our mortgage costs, he wouldn't be able to tell me, even though I've shown him the bills time and time again. He just doesn't care.
Like you've said, if it was only the kids....I struggle every day to deal with my DD's ASD issues and I don't know how much energy I have left anymore to deal with the possibility of my H having Asperger's. Actually, it it's true, it would explain so much of his behavior. However, I am not happy in this marriage anymore and probably haven't been in a very long time. I also know that he isn't happy either. If my H is an Aspie, then I feel so incredibly guilty for feeling the way I do because he truely can't help being who he is. I just don't know how much I can handle anymore.
Hi hi, I have a little more time to post now, so I'll give a regular response.
A lot of what you all have said sounds so very very much Like my DH! I don't know how many times I've said I feel like we're just roommates and co-parents. I lost count years ago. It isn't that my DH isn't intereested in me, it's just.... I dunno. I can't really explain it because I don't know where he's coming from.
A lot of times I feel like I'm some kind of strange trophy wife. I'm not a trophy because I'm the prettiest or the wealthiest, because I'm not, but rather just because I'm a wife. It's like he feels like he can say "See, I have a wife." And that's it. Like I'm part of his attempt to pretend to be normal. Which is weird, because I don't get that feeling about his relationship with the kids. He's actually interested and involved with them. But not with me. My mom calls me the Baby Factory because when I said "that's it, no more kids, I'm not haivng anymore unless we adopt" the sex dried up almost completely.
When we first met I new there was something very different about him. My girlfriends and I used to marvel over him because here was a 'man' who with him what you saw really was what you got. There were no hidden agendas, no 'between the lines', nothing. He was always completely above board and honest. He didn't give hints, nor did he get them. He just wasn't in the Hint Business. But he was completely open. He didn't shy away from pointing out things that touched him, or even things that made him cry.
But he also didn't have any real ambition to speak of. In fact, he didn't have any. When the question of marraige did come up between us I had to sit down and make the conscious decision of whether or I had enough ambition for the both of us. He had a crappy job and a boss who took advantage of him right and left. I had to deciide that if I couldn't convince him to get a new job that I could handle being the bread winner. Since I was born in that first wave of girls who were being raised to think about what they wanted to be when they grew up instead of who they wanted to marry, again the answer was yes. Having a career was never a question for me. Staying home and being June Clever had never been presented as an option to me.
Until the day came when even HE couldn't take his boss' junk anymore and he let my grandmother set him up with a job interview. It went well and he got the job. He'd just gotten his DX at that point and we had a new baby (Eva) who was born diabetic, plus Jade (who was still more sever at the time), AND his dr informed us that he had a more sever dairy allergy and that he needed to avoid even trace amounts, which required me cooking alomost everything for him. So I came home.
That was difficult for many reasons. In my family any adult without a 'real job', male or female, was considered a useless sack of ~badword~. So I had to deal with that in addition to figuring out how I could better accomodate my DH, and take care of the kids. I went through feelings of guilt for marrying a man with autism... I know, sounds silly, even ridiculous. But for a while I felt like I was somehow taking advantage of him. Then I went through feelings like he was taking advantage of me. It felt like he wanted a caretaker, or a mom, who could do his cooking for him, as well as his laundry, keep his floors clean, be susper-nanny and take care of his kids for him....
Okay, so I still feel that way sometimes. We've had some pretty sever ups and downs. When we first got married he was the one who took care of the taxes. He screwed them up so bad I spent two whole years being afraid that one or both of us was going to go to prison. The IRS took his paycheck lock, stock, and barrel for 6 straight months at one point. And by then we had our youngest DD, who was born parapeligic. So I couldn't go back to work outside of the home, even if I'd wanted to. We ended up having to rely on whatever part time income I could generate from home, county services, and the grace and love of concerned relatives. Which were, on my side of the family, very scarce and few. His parents helped, his brother helped, his cousins helped, my grandmother helped. Oh heck, even Renee helped (I still owe your $220 btw dear). My friend Mich took over paying my DSL because I was too much a part of his wife's support system for him to let me go offline or not have a phone.
My DH still screws up things in regards to taxes. He claimed too many dependants this year so we didn't get a refund. In fact, we owed THEM $380. Which is money we don't have. We don't have any credit cards because it's just a really bad idea in our house. He can't be trusted with the household debit card because he'll spend all the money on junk food for his co-workers. He doesn't even bother cecking the bank balance. He gets a cash allowance, and that's it, when it's gone it's gone. At one point his financial irrisponsibility was so bad I was on the brink of divorcing him, not because I blamed him, but because I was scared for my kids'. Everytime I turned around he'd messed something else up money-wise.
I've gone through loosing most of my friends because things he's said that sounded bad, not realizing how they sounded to others. I have to constantly deal with people who still, in this day and age, see me as the refridgerator mother (or in this case wife), because I have to be the one to take control and draw the lines. Noone else 'sees' the AS in him, except a few very close friends, his family, and my mom and grandmother. My neighbors don't see it, my aunts don't see it, and my XH has even used his DX in court against me to claim I make excuses for things.
This all sounds bad. Really bad. And it is. So why do I stay with him? Why do I constantly put myself out there? I feel like falling over dead most days because I'm so mentally exhausted. I've even had my drs tell me that all of this is making me sick, not a little sick, but very sick. And I can see where they're right. So, why do I stay?
Becasue when he smiles at me I fell like I can see Nervanna. I see, for one brief moment at a time, that promise of perfection in the universe. That simple clarity that is more profound than Utopia, and more powerful than fear. When I look in his eyes, and he looks back, I see proof of the hereafter. It's a higher high than any drug could ever provide, and a better pain killer than any alcohol could ever bring.
Love isn't logical. It doesn't know any bounds, or any excuses. But it's there, and it's real. And it's what keeps hanging on, even when I can feel my own heart start to fail. I look around me and I know that through it all, through the pain and fear, I am blessed. I see many of my girlfriends and most of my neighbors, with thier NT husbands and perfect little bank accounts, and realize they don't know what love is.
I can't tell anyone what to do with their own marraiges, nor would I even presume to. But I challenge you this: give it three more months. If you see progress, give three more months. You'll never have a prefect marraige, but that's because there's no such thing. But something brought you together. It slipped away over time and will take time to get it back. It will never be the same as it was when you first married or first met, but that's true of every marraige. It's not supposed to be. Beyond autism, beyond the spectrum, beyond any amount of neurotyipcalness, we are first and foremost human beings. No two human beings are the same, thus there will always be conflict when two of us come together, in anything.
Conflict is what makes us human, but the conscious attempt the strive for harmony is what makes us people.
Okay, now, that was long winded, lol. Sorry. I'll get off my soap box and go back into my cage now.
Whatever you decide to do, and however it turns out, I wish you good luck. Also, whatever direction you decide to go, know that we will be here for you.
~Candes
Reading everyone else's responses was good for me to see that others understand and have similar struggles, but it also saddens me to think our kids and their spouses (I hope they can find a spouse) will very likely be going through the same crap. I'd hate having to watch either my kids or their spouses go through this.