Curious .... clothing issues, etc.
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 07-07-2006 - 4:30pm |
OK - for several months when my ds was three, he refused to wear anything but a particular pair of pajamas. So I got 6 or 7 sets of the ones he liked.
At some point, he finally decided it was OK to wear clothes and his favorite thing was shirts with blue stripes and blue pants. They didn't have to be identical - phew! - and he actually chose several of the shirts himself. The pants I made at home so I could make them the way he wanted them. He finally got to feeling OK about wearing sweat pants from the store.
Finally the beginning of this winter, he was amenable to wearing all kinds of different shirts. For several months, he had fun picking out what he was going to wear each day and putting the clothing into day-of-the-week cubbies. Sometimes I had trouble getting him to pick something out and to get dressed, but at least he liked his clothes and I was tickled that he didn't look the same each day.
So, we are in summer and his Dad got him some shorts he really has liked. Because it seems to help if we've got more than one of something he likes to wear, I went and got a few more pairs of that type of shorts. I noticed that the store had shirts that could be paired with the shorts - but it is so late in the season, there was only one shirt in the right size. I picked it up - what the heck - it was only $3.
So this morning when my ds was picking out his clothes, we ended up having a huge tantrum/meltdown. The problem was that now the other shorts 'needed' the shirt that matched to them! Arggghhh! Is this type of thing typical? Just when you think you've got it figured out, something happens and your kid reacts violently and you feel like you are back at square one. It took about 45 minutes to get him settled down and be willing to accept the choices he had available to him.
When I tried to talk about it at work, people said that I just needed to tell him to get dressed or take him to daycare with no clothes on. Can you imagine doing that? Has anyone tried that? I did once and it was horrible! I explained what would happen if I had tried to force him into the van with no clothes on. They seemed to think that if I got my ex to help out more, somehow that'd help - that we just needed to be consistent and that, of course, my son knew what he was doing, that his behavior was thought out and deliberate. Perhaps that is possible???? He is only 6, so I cannot imagine that he is truly being deliberate about this.
I guess I am surprised that it seems like sometimes, I'll find something that works with my ds - like the clothing cubbies - and then after a few months, he loses interest or becomes obsessed about some other aspect of whatever it is. Does that happen to any of you out there???
I feel rather at the end of my rope today and so frustrated. Sometimes I'm just so surprised what will set off my ds. Sometimes all it takes is for me to say anything at all when he doesn't want his thoughts interrupted!
Edited 7/7/2006 4:34 pm ET by abbynwb

Pages
Yeah, I understand the clothing issue (too well) and the other people giving you the "why don't you just...." speech issue.
All I can say is sorry and I understand. Cait and Dave both have those clothing issues. Mike's only clothing issue is that sometimes he prefers warm stuff and if he is stressed he will wear clothes that are entirely too warm even if it is 90 degrees out. I let him knowing it is a stress/sensory issue.
Cait and Dave I am lucky if I can ever figure it out. I have bought more clothing that was never worn than I care to recall. And most of the time they were purchased because they were similar to another preferred item.
A few months ago I posted a big brag here because Dave finally wore underwear! He never would to the point of total tantrum/meltdown. Then one day he just bought them with me and did. I still don't get it but I am not complaining. At least he is wearing them.
Fortunately I either have a really thick skin or others are more accepting because no one even comments if dave doesn't wear a jacket on a cool day or if Cait wears basically the same style of jeans and t-shirts every day (different clean ones but similar)
I do get alot of attitude about other things though like when my mom tried to convince me that normal 10yo boys would be having 5-6 time outs during 1 1/2 hours in the pool and would scream at and hit thier peers. YEAH RIGHT! I said "Even Dave doesn't do that mom" and her answer was "Suit yourself". Geez
Renee
We have similar things around here. Kivrin has her rituals and her needs and I pretty much just go with the flow because it cuts down on the tantrums. Besides, at this point I really think I can tell the difference between a situation that she needs control over and one where she does know what's going on and is manipulating me deliberately. DH thinks they are all pretty much deliberate manipulation, so we have the occassional disagreement. For example, dinner time here is pretty much a fiasco. DH really wants Kivrin to learn to sit quietly and eat properly. By 6:30 at night Kivrin is almost always completely into her little zone. She will promise over and over to sit quietly, and 10 seconds later she'll be walking in circles, rolling her eyes, and holding her body in some weird position while pulling her hair and humming. If DH is feeling very adamant about the sitting deal it always ends in a tantrum with Kivrin in her room and DH heading for his computer and his headphones. It gets so I don't even want to have family dinners anymore, but I keep hoping the repeated exposure will help convince DH that she's not doing everything just to annoy him.
Kivrin has her clothes issues too, and they change according to season. Mostly she wants to wear the least I will allow and generally she needs a shirt or pants or some specialty item that goes with whatever she's pretending to be that day. For awhile she wanted to wear overalls every school day so she could be Ryan. I wonder what Ryan thought when she told him he couldn't be Ryan, because she was Ryan that day. I just know she did it too. I've seen her try it with the teachers often enough. Lately she needs something that is kangaroo related, but once I taught her she could stuff almost anything in the front of her shorts and make them a pouch this one has become pretty easy.
What I hate the most is when an obession alters itself and she's too tired to let me know what's going on before the full-on tantrum develops. No one I know (IRL) with kids her age believes me when I tell them about Kivrin's tantrums, because she can seem so quiet, withdrawn and patient. I think they are deceived about her maturity level because she regularly uses 3 and 4 syllable words, and can entertain herself for an hour with a paperclip, some string and whatever she found stuck to her shoe. If we have a problem in a store that progresses to a full tantrum, we have to sit in the parking lot until she can calm herself or she falls asleep. I literally cannot get her in the car if she's tantruming, even if I were willing to force her in. She's really strong for an almost 4 yo. I've gotten comments from old men in parking lots about my parenting skills (not complimentary) and offers to carry her if I was too tired (sarcasm, I think). I've stopped being nasty in reply to people who say stupid hurtful things because they don't know what they're talking about, but only because my husband is afraid I'll get shot one of these days and I have to hear it all the time if he hears about something I yelled to a stranger in Sears.
So...I guess I just wanted to share some sympathy. I honestly don't know what to do about any of this.
Mary
Thanks for the replies so far guys....
I really chuckled reading your post - I liked the line:
"can entertain herself for an hour with a paperclip, some string and whatever she found stuck to her shoe"
My ds is like that, too. Good to know that I am not alone in trying to handle a challenging kid.
I was thinking today that perhaps some of the tantrumming is due to ds having an issue with one of the caregivers at daycare who has been making him eat his lunch. He once mentioned briefly something to the effect that this gal shoves food into mouth - if that is true, I definitely want that to stop. When I pulled into the daycare today, ds didn't want to get out of the car, "because there's Miss M---- and I don't like her. She's mean to me. She makes me eat my lunch." Could be the clothes were an issue today because he wanted something to go right about his day before having to face daycare?
Also, ds's dad is in the process of moving to a new house - which would be upsetting by itself - however, add in that he had to give up some toys because there was 'no room' in the new house for them, and I think I've got an anxious kid on the edge. I can't understand it - I've been hearing about how ex and ds have been having to get rid of things because 'there's no room at the new house'. I found out that it is 2700+ sq feet. Ex's house was 1800. How can there not be room....(I am rolling my eyes now). I am sure that a big part of the deal is that the gf is running the show and deciding what she does and doesn't want in the new house. Guess she doesn't want too many toys over there to clutter it up. Either way, I worry my ds doesn't feel entirely welcome there.
Hang in there guys..... I hope you all have a good weekend. Tonight I get a night to myself and I am looking forward to it. I may only have a nice, long bubblebath, but that sounds really good after this week!!!
Now, doncha just love it when people whose children are NOT on the spectrum say such idiotic things, like only needing consistency or letting them go naked? Sorta like men being able to discuss anything about being pregnant or giving birth, RIDICULOUS!!! Yeah, let THEM try that consistency thing or forcing a spectrum child into a van naked, GOOD LUCK. I'd love to watch, well, except I would never put my child through that. But ALMOST I would do it, just for the pleasure. When people say things like that to me, I mostly smile and nod, smile and nod. Inwardly, I chuckle knowingly to myself.
I hate to put it this way, but if this were thought out and deliberate, well, that WOULD be great news. This would mean a thought process rather than a spectrum reaction/obsession/sensory thing etc.. We have also had some clothing issues. I have to say that my ds' clothing stuff has been relatively mild and has simply never bothered me personally, we cut out tags for awhile, he needed certain feeling to the socks like no seams in them, when he was 4 he went through a period of only wanting to wear red shirts. He hates to go out without wearing a baseball cap. As I have never really pushed on this stuff, we have not had meltdowns. If Malcolm doesn't want to wear something, fine. He doesn't have to. Life is just too short to go around worrying about cloths when we have options.
It should get easier as he gets older and understands more, you will be able to negotiate, offer (when these sudden changes show up) that you can go later to get those matching shirts, but RIGHT NOW he has to go to school and therefore you will need to find a shirt that will satisfy his emotional needs -- or simply NOT wear those shorts that NEED the matching shirts until you have time to get them --- so what OTHER pants/shorts combo can you both come up with?
I picks my battles.
Sara
ilovemalcolm
Just read your post here after already writing. I bet the clothes thing initially has nothing to do with the eating. I bet he has discovered the pleasure of matching shirts and wants them to all match now! I doubt that any clothes reaction really came from not wanting to go to school, ALTHOUGH he sure could have been touchier about going to school where people shove food in your mouth (WHAT?!! Torture!!?) SO -- maybe without the looming terror, the non-matching shirts might not have brought on a meltdown! Just a fussy reaction...
Enjoy your soak. Maybe a glass of sparkling wine to go with the bubbles?
Sara
ilovemalcolm
Ya know it is funny. Cait got through 2nd grade without her shoes ever being too huge an issue. They always where but the usual stuff worked to make them ok. (OK so I used to stand on her feet to provide deep pressure before tying them. The things you do!)
But in 3rd grade NOTHING worked. 2-3 mornings a week there would be shoe tantrums. Often causing us to be as much as an hour late to school. BTW she had a horrible teacher and was very stressed.
4th grade, no shoe problems.
Josh's (10yo) clothing issues are the need for a hood (year-round) and shoes that DON'T tie.
Next to impossible to find shoes for him that DON'T tie, and we've had tantrums when he realized he was in the "big kids" shoes, and very few of them come with velcro or elastics. Tying is one of the motor skills he still has issues with.
His obsession with "hoodies" caused a problem at school this year - apparently the rule is no sweatshirts with hoods on the playground (but jackets are ok?). I told his principal SHE could TRY to take them away from him, but I wasn't going to fight with him every morning to make him leave his hood off. And yes - this is the same principal that doesn't see a serious issue with him :) We've transitioned from hoodies to a baseball cap this summer - making progress I think. Though he still prefers long sleeved t-shirts and jeans to a regular tee and shorts.
We had a problem like that at preschool over thumb sucking. The morning teachers are very long term employees and very reliable. Each of the two have missed maybe a day or two all year. The afternoon teacher is always changing though. For about 2 months one of the older teachers from another room was in my daughter's class after lunch, and that woman has a big problem with thumb sucking. It's a huge coping behavior for my daughter and I don't worry much about it. I try to help her confine it to certain times, and off substitutes without making a big deal out of it. This teacher though was always raising her voice and telling her to get her thumb out of her mouth. Then she switched to chewing on her shirt at school and I heard "we're not goats" repeated over and over everyday until I found out what was going on. By then Kivrin was sucking on and biting her arms and licking furniture and putting every thing she picked up into her mouth. In the end I had to go to the teachers and ask them to please leave the worry over certain behaviors to me and to let me know if anything was disrupting the classroom so I could address it at home.
Honestly, if your son is having trouble with a teacher and can verbalize that he has a certain problem I'd go right to the teacher. Say "my son told me XXXXX. I'd like to better understand what is happening. Can you tell me how you deal with YYYYY?" I do this a lot. My daughter really doesn't separate fantasy and reality very well and I often hear strange stories from her about school that I have to go take up with teachers. You pay them. Don't be afraid to ask for the care you want.
Mary
Don't you love getting advise from people that don't have kids in the spectrum? I have the most difficult time with my son getting dressed in the morning. He knows how but I have to keep telling him over and over to get dressed. Finally, some days time has run out and I have to dress him. Others think that is ridiculous. However, I have to WORK for a living and I have to leave the house. Yes, I have tried the whole thing where me and dd load up in the car like we are leaving while he is still inside and not dressed. Know where that got me? Late to work because he still didn't get dressed.
Mr son is very routine and fixates on certain things. However, like your child, they change. Just when I think we have everything right and under control he changes the plan. Then of all of sudden the shorts he couldn't live without are no longer acceptable. I just can't keep up some days.
So, I have no solution for you but plenty of sympathy.
Melissa
Pages