Deciding to have more kids??
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| Wed, 11-07-2007 - 11:36pm |
I'm really conflicted and hoped maybe some of you ladies could share your experiences. I'm having major baby fever lately but at the same time feel like I shouldn't even consider having any more kids. I feel like I have split personalities. I would just love to have another baby. My SIL just had a baby boy and everytime I see him, my estrogen level goes through the roof. I've been going through baby clothes to lend out and it makes me sad to think we may never use them again. Our youngest (19mo) is really outgrowing the whole baby phase and is quite the little boy, again making me sad. I just hate the idea that the whole baby phase of our lives could be over. No more rocking a baby to sleep, no more baby smell, no more feeling the kicks during pregnancy, or seeing the first smile, etc. DH I think would love to have more kids. I always wanted three. He initially said two was the max, but now that we have two, he frequently jokes about it being about time to knock me up again. Then there's the other side of the story....
We have 2 DSs - 4.5 yo and 19 mo. They're great, but lately they've been really difficult and trying. LOTS of tantrums and hitting and talking back (older one). Our older DS was diagnosed with PDD-NOS last year and is behind developmentally. At 4.5 he is still not potty trained - he'll go when we tell him to but doesn't every go voluntarily and never poops on the potty. He's in a developmental preschool and is doing great, but is definitely behind where he should be - he doesn't dress or undress himself, he can't draw beyond basic shapes and scribbles, etc. - his little brother is starting to do things he still can't do.

I'm not sure I'm allowed to have an opinion on this topic since we have two on the spectrum, ages 10 and 7, an 8 year old NT, and I'm now PG with our 4th.
I'll just say, Ditto to what Amy said, perfectly expresses my thoughts on the matter.
We didn't know our son was autistic when we had more, we just pushed ahead knowing we wanted a large family and knowing that we could handle w/ God's help whatever life threw at us. Our kids have issues, they take a little more teaching and guiding than some other kids but that's ok. Life w/ more kids (spectrum or not) takes a little more sacrifice from me and from DH. Sometimes we resent our kids or what it takes to raise them, but I wouldn't change my family for the world, we all have that emotion from time to time. I do think having older and younger siblings is a great thing for our middle son (with autism) but I think having an autistic sibling is a great thing for our other children. They have learned a lot about sacrifice, helping, understanding, perseverance, and patience from him. Each kid has their own issues to deal w/. Amelia had a very difficult time learning to read, Warren is Dx ADD and has organizational issues, Martha has dyslexia, Owen has issues-- but they all have very positive qualities and they excel at various things probably due to the difficulties they have in other areas. I've learned to adjust my dreams to the child not adjust the child to my dreams.
My 14 yr old DD and our 11 DS (asd) were watching "The Next American Model" (or whatever it's called) last night. Amelia because she's really into it and hopes to be a model someday and Weston cause that's what his sister was watching. Amelia said, "That girl Heather has autism, and she's doing really well in this whole competition", Weston said, "No, it's NOT autism, she has asperger's, it's different" Amelia said, "it's still on the autism spectrum, and look how great she's doing" Weston said, "yeah, she's probably better because it's like autism, autism makes it easier to do some things". Amelia looked at him and said, "ya don't have to remind me, my brother the math genius!" (rolling her eyes).
Only you can make the right decision for your family. Sometimes going into it blind is easier. LOL!
Betsy
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Edited 2/19/2008 12:20 pm ET by littleroses
Hi,
This really resonates with me as I've had baby fever since Billy was 3. My dh who also has AS does not want anymore children. It's all he can handle to interact with my ds. Billy has a lot of issues, particularly separation anxiety. I can't imagine having an infant and sitting in his classroom with him for hours a day like I have to now. I know for my family, the decision to stop at one is the right one for us. I could not be the parent I am to ds with another child, especially if that child was also AS.
Jen
Hee hee, I knew Amy would chime in here.
I also have two boys on the spectrum, (7 &4.5 also about as potty ready as your ds) and a dd (11 months-thusfar NT). My oldest is my most impacted and my second ds is an aspie (albeit the quiet dreamy type if ykwim). Dd is a handful but only at night, during the day she's awesome. And yes I shall say it dh and I were just this week talking about #4 (I blame YOU Amy, lol).
Not right now, but I will go back to work for 2 years and then we will try for #4 (it'll be before I hit 35). I hear you about the baby stage, I'm actually bummed our dd is starting to cruise around on furniture, yet it is defintely feast or famine (on my hip 24/7 or off doing her own thing).
You know when my boys are in a good place, centered, supported and all is as well as it can be, family is awesome, and on the awful days I swear "never again." But yes, there will be a #4; I feel it in my bones, and I can tell you if ds#2 was NT I would have had dd sooner. I dunno, glutton for punishment I guess, :D
GL
Dee
Blame away, blame away!
Ummm... what's m y defense???....ah yes....never say never?!??!!! Lol
Gimme a couple of years though; I do need a break;)
Dee (not ovulating yet)
Our situation was a bit different but I'll share our thought processes with you because it might help clarify things in your own mind for yourself (ie what we found important may not be so for you, and you may have other issues that you think are more important than the ones we considered).
We didn't *know* DS1 had Asperger's when we conceived DS2 and DD (he wasn't dxd til he was 8). But we knew he was different and we were struggling with him - he was 4 when DS2 was born, and we were really struggling with the *rage* and seemingly unprovoked violence, as well as getting him to settle in nursery school (kindergarten), potty training, sensory issues - and all this with no help at all because he hadn't been diagnosed and I hadn't a clue what was wrong, just a series of heartbreaking and stressful meetings with teachers, fellow parents etc about his behaviour. DS1 had always been an incredibly 'good' and laidback baby so part of me still thought this was just a protracted 'stage' that he'd grow out of.
But I got baby fever, big time, and we thought in any case that that DS1 would, with patience and love a) grow out of his behaviour problems (ha!!) and b) learn to adjust to a baby sibling and in any case it might do him some good. And actually, we were right about b) completely - although his baby brother is a bit of a punchbag sometimes, no more so than I remember my sister being a punchbag for me, and certainly it has taught DS1 a hell of a lot about empathy, and love, and consideration, and sharing - way more than he could have learned at school. And when DD came along it just showed me even more that it was good for DS1 to have sibling AND it was good for DS2 and DD to have an older sibling who was 'different'. And of course the challenge of parenting 2 NTs is no easier than parenting 1 Aspie - in fact, the Aspie is the easiest at the moment, being 9 and mainstreamed in school and currently obsessed by reading, which means he is quiet and good most of the time, and it is the Terrible Twos and Fearsome Fours with the NT DS2 and DD that I am struggling with!
I work, full-time, and that makes everything harder and easier - I get a 'break' at work where I get some intellectual stimulation and adult company that counterbalances the chaos at home so I think that helps me cope more than I would do if I were a full-time SAHM. And my Aspie, apart from his violence and strange social behaviour, is very high functioning and easy to manage and love. But I have my moments, and I certainly sometimes wonder if I am short-changing one or more of them because I'm spread too thin (but parents of more than one child who are all NT tell me they feel the same way, so I don't think this is actually anything to do with a special-needs child).
If I were you, I'd wait. In my experience having a 4 year old and a baby was far easier than a 2 year old and a baby (and a 7 year old Aspie). Unless there is a huge biological clock ticking for you it will do no harm to have the older two a little older before you enter into baby kingdom again. But I wouldn't ever *not* do it. Having 3 kids is a challenge, and it's wonderful, and that's true whether one or none or all of them are 'special needs'. the biggest leap, for me, was 1-2, not 2-3 - once you've figured out how to 'juggle' a third is just an extra ball. You are outnumbered :-)
hth
Kirsty, mum to Euan (9, Asperger's) Rohan (4, NT) and Maeve, 23m (NT)
You know I do think having a 3-4 year gap between sibs really helped here too. I will wait until Roan is 3 before trying again. And yup, the younger kids deinitely have helped Liam with empathy and understanding.
Btw, Love the names!!!! My bf when I was a kid was Ewan (also I nelieve un-dx aspie and tourettes, and had epilepsy....hmmmm), and I have a cousin called Maeve, and well, Rohan and Roan are so alike...hee hee
Dee