defining terms

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
defining terms
6
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 12:17pm
I'm curious: when you describe your child as being "defiant," or "difficult," what exactly do you mean? I ask because I wonder whether we all have different ideas about this.

For instance -- my 6 year old will sometimes go into a tailspin over his sister touching his things -- yell, scream, push, grab. I usually take him upstairs by the hand, sit him down in my lap, and get him to calm dow. then we go downstairs, he must apologize to his sister (which he does with real feeling), and put his toy away.

then it's over.

I don't think of this as particularly defiant, though it's difficult -- but since it seems out of his control, I don't especially worry about it after it's over... especially since he and his sister go back to playing, and he (my son) forgets about it as soon as the explosion is over.

How do other people think about this stuff?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
In reply to: lisarudy
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 12:28pm
I wouldn't consider that defiant either.

I think you have the right idea.

Defiant to me would be if he couldn't or wouldn't calm down and

kept on about it and threw a big fit, stomping, throwing things

banging his head on the wall/floor. And refusing to apologize, or

understand the situation or you trying to negotiate to make it

all better, etc.

My DD is defiant, she was dxed with ODD several years ago. Her

fits take a few hours. Sometimes I've given in and

bribed her out of fits before but it's hard. I wind up

getting chest pains sometimes from fretting over her. She will

even yell obscenities at us. I'm hoping she isn't bi polar like

my younger sister was just dxed with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lisarudy
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 4:16pm
I don't think that is defiant either, though I would say difficult. I don't think he is being difficult on purpose, but it is a difficult situation to get through. I consider it defiant when they will NOT do what you have requested. You stated that your ds will go upstairs with you and take a time out. Though I believe with my kiddo's that being defiant is sometimes out of their control as well. ie, they are so into what they are doing they cannot yet transition to a new thing or they are so upset they can't do it yet. DH calls it sticky thinking. For instance, in the situation you discribed, I can honestly see Mike kicking, screaming and fighting about not going with me to take a time out. He would also argue imensly during the timeout insistent that he was not wrong. Although when he is done he is also very sorry.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: lisarudy
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 4:34pm
oh, yeah, kicking and screaming for sure. Tom does NOT go upstairs willingly, and sometimes I have to duck his flailing arms. Then he does this odd thing of saying "I'm going to hit you" and then kinda tapping me -- almost like a dare. What does make it ok in my book, though, is that he'll sit and be held by me, and will usually calm down within just a few minutes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lisarudy
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 11:44pm
LOL, oh yeah, Jade deffinately has problems with other people touching her stuff. She learned to write her name for the sole perpose of labling everything that belonged to her. She screams and does her mojo (severe hand-flapping) when people touch her things. But like you I don't call it defient, I know this is part of her disorder for her. It's only difficult because she sets off a chain-reaction in the other kids. I've gotten so used to having to 'talk her down' that it seems natural now.

There are other areas with her that can be considered 'difficult'. She is constantly interupting or speaking to adults in inappropriet ways. But again, this is due to her AS and we have gotten used to gently correcting her when she is out of line. She is actually pretty good about her manners most of the time.

Ayla is pretty much the same, minus the possesiveness over her belongings. She IS possesive, but she calmly, if not sternly, tells people when they have crossed the line with her. Where she seems the most difficult is in how she speaks to others. She is completely oblivious to how other people feel and how she sounds to them. To make matters worse, she doesn't see what the big deal is about 'courtious manners'. She understands certain courtasies, like telling someone when she is leaving the house even after we were made aware that she would be leaving at a certain time. But she doesn't understand why people get insulted when she points out the obvious, like the time she asked one of our neighbors if she could get a refund on the infuffiant dye job she had just had done. To Ayla it was a logical question. The color of Betty's hair really WAS attrocious, and Ayla didn't think that she should have to pay for it since it obviously (to her) wasn't done write. LOL, this is what I live with. Ayla is constantly correcting people when she believes they are wrong, and thanks to her massive stores of arkaine knowledge this is pretty much all the time.

Candes

Peace,
Candes  
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lisarudy
Wed, 04-16-2003 - 12:43am
OMG we are totally dealling with this with Caiti now. The constant correcting and saying innappropriate but truthful things. They are working on her saying positive things in school, but she isn't making much progress. Not that she is mean on purpose, she just doesn't see the need to hold back on telling the absolute truth. And with her fabulous memory she is almost always right as well.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lisarudy
Wed, 04-16-2003 - 8:28am
Difficult, to me, would be acting out practically beyond their control. If Tristan is having a tired, "down" day, he isn't neccessarily acting up on purpose to intentionally upset me. He's just at his own wits end and can't really do much about it. As "annoying" as that may be, I try my best to help him thru it.

Defiant is what I get many times with him. He has also been dx'd ODD, with the addition of bipolar (doc is about 95% sure on that one). The bipolar would certainly help him with the difficult, but I can tell when that is going to happen and do my best to help him avoid those triggers. The ODD, tho, makes him clearly defiant - blatanly refusing to do something, listening to me tell him "no" or to try it another way only for him to turn around and do what he wanted anyway. Obvious, BLATANT things like that. To me, THAT is defiant.

It is tough, at times, to distinguish between the two!!


~Carrie