Denial?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Denial?
4
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 11:42pm

Most of my daughter's recent evaluation was based on our (DH and I) description of her behaviors and now DH tells me that he thinks he doesn't agree with me on some of my comments and consequently doesn't trust the dx. He says he thinks I read too much and it skewed my perception and my description. I was starting to get more comfortable with the label of ASD and had moved onto looking into likely courses of action. I even called a family friend who is an OT for the schools to discuss options. She wasn't overly surprised with the ASD dx. Have any of you been through this with a spouse? I know he doesn't mean to, but he's making me feel like one of those Munchausen syndrome by proxy mothers. All I want is to help my daughter have a great life, but now I'm in a position where I have to convince my husband that our daughter has a disability to even start to help her cope with it.

Oh! And my husband is the stereotype for the undiagnosed, but successful adult aspie. Example 1: Our first fight ever was over how I washed the bottoms of the plates (inadequately). Example 2: He only can have 3 pairs of work pants at a time...All indentical.

Thanks for reading....I'm just getting tired of having the same discussion over and over, and always feeling like some kind of attention seeking alarmist when its over. Motherhood can be hard, but sometimes a good marriage seems like an unachievable goal.

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
In reply to: atomic_girl
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 12:01am


Marym

Oh-ho! BTDT.

It took my DH almost six months to come to terms. Peter was diagnosed in October, and he signed up for an Autism Awarness t-shirt late in the following March. That was his unspoken acceptance.

Now he wears two autism bracelets, and is the kids' biggest advocate (after me! )

For me, the only thing which worked was to point him to web sites and information and let *him* 'figure it out' for himself, if you KWIM. Nasty thing about husbands: You can tell them something till you're blue in the face, but if a colleague tells them or if they read if on the Internet, it's gospel.

It was the same thing with mortgages and points. (Sorry. It's been three years, and that one still smarts!)

That's my experience, anyway.

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: atomic_girl
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 12:24am

HA! OK, my husband is an autism consultant and has 2 spectrum kids. I have even gotten him the bracelet but will he wear it, NO! Knucklehead. But Cait needs a new one. The writing is worn off on hers.

Mary, That is not uncommon and it isn't even just a husband thing. It's not the first time I heard the munchausens thing. Heck for a while there I almost thought myself that I might be like that, lol. I got alot of grief from some friends, some relatives, and my pediatrician when Cait was little. My pediatrician was old and didn't know what to look for and the others were, well, trying to be "helpful" I guess and you second guess yourself.

Autism is an invisible disability and thier are up days and thier are down days. It is also a developmental disability meaning they are behind thier peers, but what are typical peers doing socially. It is hard. If it was something psysical that you could see. Or something you could get results from in a blood test it would be easier, but it is based on behaviors and observations. When they are little and suddenly start having lots of up days it is easy to question the diagnosis. Even the bad days "gee isthat really autistic, don't all 3 yo's do that?"

I think it really has only been over the past couple years where I finally have accepted that yes, they really really are autistic, it is part of who they are and thier personality and it isn't going away. Prior to that I had my days. I knew something was different but maybe it isn't autism. Maybe it is auditory processing, or ADHD, or allergies, or or or....As they get older it does get easier. i see how my kids think and yep, they are autistic.

A few months ago my youngest (not on the spectrum but something) had an EEG. It was abnormal and the doctors comment was "well now you have proof. You are not crazy, there is a medical reason for his behavior". hmmmm, how telling is that on what goes on in our minds.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: atomic_girl
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 3:30pm

Hello Mary, Welcome to my world! I have a ds(12) dx with Asperger's about a year and a half ago. My dh refuses to believe that there is anything wrong with ds. I am the one who has presued it. I take Jake to all his phy. appts, do all the school metting and corspondence. My dh,like yours, is the exact undiagnosed aspie adult- I clean wrong, the cans in the cabinet have to be in straight line with space between..etc.

Wishing you luck!

Liza

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
In reply to: atomic_girl
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 9:57pm
Mary,
I know what you are going through. If I hear my husband say my son is just like him one more time I think I'll smack him. My husband is not very social and actually scored 31 on the simon baron cohan test for adults who may be on the spectrum. Most adults with asd scored 32 or above! This did not help my case with my husband, it just reinforced the idea that my son and husband have similar personalities.What my husband can't seem to understand is my son can't read social cues but my husband can. He is coming around slowly but surely. I'm doing a walk to raise money for a cure and he promised to do the walk with me, so that's progress I guess!