Depression and Jealousy -- in me!
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Depression and Jealousy -- in me!
| Sat, 04-22-2006 - 9:00pm |
In many ways I'm doing much better emotionally since getting dx for my kids. It's nice to KNOW what's wrong with the kids and to get some ideas of how to better work with them. It's also nice to be validated that I'm not just making excuses for my kids. However, I find that I still have many bad days where I'm jealous of other families and how "easy" their lives look and how many more things they can do. I'm feeling especially petty right now because my brother's family just learned that the baby they're expecting has Down's Syndrome, and they are really depressed about how this will impact their lives. They currently have four very smart, very capable children. Both my brother and his wife are very talented individuals. They lead just about the ideal life and lifestyle: jobs, finances, vacations, talents, hobbies, children, etc. They are also very nice and generous people who serve their community, church, etc. I completely don't want to diminish the impact this baby will have on their lives, and I totally understand that this kind of surprise brings a lot of emotional upheaval with it, but on the other hand, I feel like "how is your situation different than mine?" Why is it that just because your baby comes with an obvious disorder, it is "worse" than what I have lived every day for the past dozen years with no one saying "boo" about it (if anything, we've been judged for being poor parents)? And, since dh also has disorder, employment has sometimes been a bigger struggle, finances have been tighter, vacations have been limited, activities we could afford for kids (assuming the kids had the coordination to participate) have been limited, etc. We just got a family e-mail where SIL mentioned the resources available to her already through the military (brother is upper ranking military). I've had to struggle for a dozen years to get doctors to believe even one thing I told them about my kids, and even now we don't have any resources available to us. I feel bad that instead of feeling sad for my brother's family I feel like "good, it's about time you had a taste of my life!" It's so terribly petty. Truly I love my brother and his family and don't wish difficult things for them (or anyone), but I'm having a hard time being sympathetic instead of making this my own pity party. Of course I'd never say anything so rude to them and will be loving and supportive, but it's a struggle to not be bitter, too. Now that I got that off my chest (to an audience I hope will understand rather than be offended), I'll go be nice to my family now. Thanks for "listening."

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I know that I have ASD of some sort, lots of Aspie tendencies, etc. I love my job. There are truly jobs out there, but it takes longer to find them. I have had jobs I just wasn't suited for and I tried so hard. One was as an executive assistant. Now, honestly, if there was ever a person and a job that were a terrible match! But it haunted me for years. I never knew why I was so terrible at that job when I'm actually a fairly intelligent person. I never would have known why had it not been for my kids. I would have carried this insecurity with me my whole life, although it grew less and less with time, but I would never have understood it.
My husband also has ASD issues. Many Asperger characteristics. He has had a successful career at the same company (except the companies keep getting bought by other companies) for 27 years. However, if he is ever laid off, which is emminently possible, I fear for us and for his own self esteem when he has to manage such a transition. It would seriously affect him, and us. I'm not sure he could replace his job at the same pay. Which would be a huge blow to the family with our high needs kids.
So, yes, I worry tremendously for our kids' futures. Although I truthfully worry about the future of the entire generation. Okay, I'm going to the dark side, getting too deep into worry and anxiety. Time I'm going to have a cigarette from the first pack I've bought in a very long time. It has been a stressful month, and I only have one cigarette left and have promised not to keep buying them. So off I go to smoke my last cigarette, then to bed. Hopefully after a good night sleep I won't be so grim.
Kelly
I'm so glad you all understand and that this is a normal feeling. It was especially helpful for me to hear about your friend who is feeling more relieved about having an obviously disabled child than another one with invisible disabilities. I wouldn't want to trade places (I'm not sure whether I fear Down's is harder or whether it's just the unknown for me), but it's nice to hear from a mom who's experiencing both disabilities to get her perspective.
Something else that was said: I'm glad my kids don't have to struggle with spelling (or most of their other schooling areas). There's enough that the kids DO struggle with, it's nice for them to feel like they have one thing to be proud of. I hate that at school so many awards are given out for best this-or-that. Most of the awards are given to children who are naturally gifted in that arena, and it doesn't really reflect the amount of work put into the project. At least if awards are given, my kids often get academic awards, so they don't feel left out, but I think we'd all be more excited to see them get "most improved" in PE or something else where they really struggle.
One last comment. Someone mentioned how this board had been a sanity saver for them after getting Dx for their child. I sooo much feel that way. When I first found the board, not only was it what helped us get on the right path to diagnosis, but it has been an absolute gift from God to me mentally. Initially I was only able to get on the board every few days. Even tho' I still don't have much time to invest on the boards, I find myself coming almost every day now just because it helps keep me calmer and more able to deal with my children reasonably. It's a wonderful support. Thank you all!!!!!
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