Dh in denial / unpleasant Scout meeting

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Dh in denial / unpleasant Scout meeting
6
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 4:22pm

(I typed a long post regarding this incident last night, and my computer ate it. So I went to bed. Here's Attempt #2.)


Last night, Henry's Scout group had a pack meeting. That means that all of the ages of Scouts met together in one room with their parents and siblings. The leaders passed out badges and popcorn-selling prizes. Henry's group had prepared a skit for the meeting--that's why Mark and I went. Usually, Glen takes Henry while I stay home with Mark. The groups went to the front of the room a grade at a time, starting with the 3rd graders, then 2nd graders, and the 1st graders (Henry's group) were last. It wasn't fun or exciting, and Henry got pretty fidgety--nothing too different from the other kids and siblings there.


*BUT*--Glen wouldn't stop fussing and nit-picking at every little thing Henry did. It was irritating me so much. Henry took his hat off and put it in his lap, then he started playing with it and chewing on the brim. So Glen fussed at him to put his hat on--over and over. Henry would get up out of his chair, and Glen would fuss at him to sit down. Henry would look left, and Glen would fuss at him to look right. It got worse when Henry's group had to stand up front to wait for their names to be called to get their badges. They were standing in front of a small platform, and after about 5 minutes, Henry sat down on the edge of it. NO ONE ELSE cared, but Glen hollered at him from the back of the room to "GET UP!! GET UP!!" He eventually stood up when his name was called, and then I pinned something on his pocket. He asked me to stay up there with him, and I didn't mind, BUT my oh-so-helpful dh suggested LOUDLY (again from the back of the room) that I needed to sit down.


Then Henry's group did their little skit. I was not expecting much from that. I really thought Henry would just sit quietly and not say his line, but he did a great job--saying his line nicely--loud and clear. I was very proud.


After that, it was about time to go. I could tell that Glen was embarassed by Henry's behavior. I mentioned it to him later, and he said that he wasn't embarassed; he was mad. He said that it makes him angry when Henry doesn't act right and doesn't do what the other kids are doing. Um--HELLO?!--he is in for a rude awakening the older Henry gets. Glen said that he thought Henry would act right if he was participating in something that he actually liked--that would be . . . um . . . reading the DirecTV on-screen guide. Glen did suggest a chess club, which is not a bad idea so I told him to teach Henry how to play.


Henry has a meltdown every Monday right before Scouts because he doesn't want to go. Well, now I can't say that I blame him. His dad fusses at him the entire time, making it extremely unpleasant.


I am trying my best to get Glen to read something about Asperger's, but he is being so stubborn. I really don't think he "gets it". He mentioned to me the other day to go ahead and get Henry the drugs he needs to "fix him". He was kind of joking, but just kind of.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 5:41pm

That is for your DH. I am sorry he doesn't just get it. To me it sounds like Scouts is having a good effct on Henry. He is earning his beads and he did good during his skit.. You can get a belt loop for chess so DH can teach him if he wants. But you are right it is hard for even so called normal kids to behave at pack night. And even so called normal kids occasionally want their moms near too. Esp in 1st grade when in Tigers parent participation is a requirement.I am a scout mom and rust me Scouts has really been good for Josh. He is always going to be quirky, but he tries. He gets obcessed a little but wants to do well. He is about 3 signatures away from Tenderfoot. And he may end up with Second Class by June. He has helped out on community projects, and he has gone camping on his own. Right now the rules are close to home he can go alone but off the the Island(we live on Long Island) one of us, preferably Dad has to go.

i think for now DH gets to stay home from pack nights till he learns to behave because it seems like he is embarassing you more than Henry is. Plus sometimes the ones doing the picking may have had similar issues themselves growing up. I have noticed my DH did not have it easy growing up and I sam sure I have aspie tendencies myself. And you would think we would be more understanding towards Josh sometimes. And yet we can be his bigggest critics. We have been harder on him then we should. maybe you need to see if DH is regonizing himself in Henry. If that is true then maybe he needs to learn then how to do it differently.

As far as DH reading a book about ASD, trust me even if you leave it in a mans favorite reading spot(the bathroom) it won't happen. I have tried. All you can do is get counseling. If you have Henry is listed as Autitstic from school maybe an Autisim consultant talk to him.
Butr for now, drugs don't cure. Sometimes they do help but it doesn't change the total picture. ASD is still ASD
Rina

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Registered: 06-09-2005
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 9:55pm

I had similar thoughts to what Rina said. DS is also a tiger, he joined in Sept. Those pack meetings can be tough on all the kids (and parents, lol.) They can sometimes run a little long, and by the end most of the tigers (1st graders) are ready to lose it!

I also could relate to what she said about her dh seeing himself in her ds. Except in my case, I'm the one with the aspie tendancies. I often see myself in my ds, and sometimes this makes me overreact to things he does. I have to take a step back to reevaluate.

But I was wondering if dh's reaction at the meeting might be something along these lines. Are you are kind of new to cub scouts, like us? Is it possible that these pack meetings are dh's first exposure to seeing Henry in a group of same age or close in age peers? The reason I say this is, when I first saw Ryan with his peers in pre school, and I could see the differences, it was very overwhelming and upsetting. I think I reacted like your dh.. trying to correct each behavior that I saw that make him stand out. It took me a while to deal with it. But I also think the differences stood out more to me than to others.. because I was looking for them, kwim?

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, these are just my extremely random thoughts.

But at the next meeting, have dh look around.. I bet there are other kids fidgeting, picking their nose, talking when they're supposed to be quiet. We try and tackle simple goals for ds for each meeting, like not talking when the leaders are talking, sitting with the den, stuff like that. Hope this helps!

Kate

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 10:16pm

Adapting to a diagnosis is a very hard thing. For some reason it is particularly hard for dads. It sounds like he is still going through a bit of a denial phase. Many DH's do this and he is trying his best to make his kid look and act "normal" or to "fix" him so he can prove to himself that everything will be ok.

And unfortunately this phase may come and go to some degree with a HF kid. I know I do it myself though I am getting better ;-). It is this terrible cycle. The child starts to do well and makes progress. You think they are going to turn out ok and you start setting your hopes and expectations higher. Then some of the more challenging behaviors start again and you start nit picking things trying to make them "act normal". Then finally you remember they are not typical and that your expectations are unrealistic.

Now when they start to show more signs I don't nit pick. I may get a bit depressed. DH may nit pick until I remind him that this is how it is. ANd he needs to be reminded often.

This has just happened again with Mike. He was doing really great. He is still autistic but I was really hopeful that he would progress to the point of being independent and doing typical kid stuff. Then once thanksgiving break hit his autistic symptoms and behaviors came back with a vengeance. He started to do extracurriculars again and he sticks out like a sore thumb as different. And the worst for me was realizing that my classic autistic nephew had gained a number of skills much better than Mike has been able to achieve and he is 2 years younger.

But now instead of nit-picking we just shrug it off and make changes. I get sad for a while. It always hits me in the gut to see how different he is and to worry about his future. But when he was younger we sure did.

AND it was at it's worst when he was first dx'ed and we tried everything to make him act like everyone else.

Renee

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Registered: 02-24-2004
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 4:49pm

I just saw your post. I've been so busy looking for work and dealing with my STBX that I forget to look on the board!

When my STBX was home, we went thru this as well. Our oldest, Tyler 10, has more incommon with his dad. Same interests, same personality. Nathan has different interests and is not so outgoing. STBX always seemed embarrassed by Nathan's quirks and reprimanded him often. He would actually get upset with Nathan for being autistic...for being who he is. It just didn't make any sense to me.

Our kids are well behaved. And I have always taught them manners and how to behave in public, etc. But Nathan's little quirks are what make Nathan. Going out in public can be difficult somedays, it really depends on his stress level and how his day is going.

I have to say though, since my STBX has moved out, the boys are more relaxed and more comfortable. They don't have to worry about whether or not they will get into trouble with dad. We have our problems, the autism dx being one of them. Instead of us coming together, my STBX chose to disconnect and grow apart from me. He still talks about how hard it is for HIM. The best advice I have, is to continue to communicate with your dh, and possibly even get family counseling. Best of luck.

michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2005
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 8:22am

I'm so sorry your DH is behaving like a poop.

CJ (10, AS) was in Scouts for 2 years. He LOVED what it did for his social life (he had 1 friend in Scouts and another at school that was with a different Pack). But our leadership was extremely supportive. They were kind and understanding. And even with his quirks, CJ was NOT the worst behaved child there! He would be a first year Weeblo this year, but DH is in Iraq and I just don't have the drive to do mommy jobs, work, hoework PLUS the extras. Bad mommy, I know.

Pack meetings are total chaos. Pure and simple chaos. Always. Your DH just wants what's best for Henry but needs to understand that first and foremost, Henry is a CHILD! He was able to say his lines for the skit (Go, Henry! Great job!) He was able to stand up in front of everyone. So he wanted his hat off (I'd probably talk to CJ about the chewing of the hat), so what? He was looking around and fidgeting, so was everyone else. He sat down on the edge of a bench. Ok, I can almost guarntee you that nearly every kid thought of it, Henry was just the only one that acted on it.

You DH needs to relax. Scouting is supposed to be fun. The boys can learn so much but they also need time to be kids. Has he discussed Henry's dx with the Pack and Den leaders? If they understand that Henry has a dx, your DH might relax a little bit. Does that make sense?

In August or September's Scouting Magazine there is an article on Scouting and Autism. It was written by a woman whose son is on the Spectrum. I think you can find it at ScoutingMagazine dot org. Just go into the archives. Maybe having your DH read it would help?

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with DH's moods.

HTH.

Crystal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 9:06am

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I think that is exactly the problem. I brought it up with Glen and told him that Henry isn't "acting ugly" at Scouts. That's just the way Henry acts. Perhaps Scouts was an eye-opener for him just like that meeting was an eye-opener for me.


I've always seen how Henry acts/reacts around other children, so I guess it doesn't bother me very much.


Glen also came home from one meeting and told me that Henry just wasn't interested in Scouts because Henry had turned his chair around to face away from everyone else. If he'd only learn a little about Asperger's, then he wouldn't think turning his chair away meant that he wasn't interested.