Did you mourn

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Did you mourn
11
Tue, 06-03-2008 - 3:39pm

My 5 yr old dd was diagnosed with PDD-NOS last February. Since them I've been in a whirlwind of activity getting her the services that will help her. All the while I've been fighting a sense of saddness and anger.


I was talking to her social worker today and she really made me think. She said that maybe I've been so focused on the next step for Bridget that I've never actually let myself breakdown and mourn the loss of the little girl that I had thought she would be.


I was just wondering what other people's thoughts were.


Kathy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
In reply to: kathylandb
Tue, 06-03-2008 - 4:30pm

Kathy,

I did exactly the same thing you did. I was a whirlwind of activity, visiting special schools, finding speech therapists, researching all sorts of stuff. I thought I was dealing with everything "just fine". Then one day I got horribly depressed (I thought) for no reason. I went to see a therapist and she said much the same thing: I had busied myself and distracted myself with getting services and stuff in place for Pete, but had not dealt with my own feelings about the fact that he has special needs (we had no diagnosis back then, just a lot of Dark Mutterings to prepare myself for the worst; that he may never talk or attend a regular school...).

I have since learned that most people go through all the stages of grief when they have a child diagnosed with something like this. And most come to acceptance eventually, each at their own pace. But every now and again some denial or anger will sneak in and get you when you are least expecting it. Probably forever. But you deal with it a lot better as you are deeper in the process.

There is a lot of good that comes with "our" kids too. I feel like I have grown hugely in the years since my kid(s)' diagnoses.

And another thing I learned: "They" don't know everything. The Dark Mutterings turned out to be a bunch of codswallop. My son has been in a regular school since Kindy and a regular class since 4th grade. Most people about fall over when I tell them he is on the Spectrum. In fact now, seven years after the Dark Mutterings, I am beginning to doubt the diagnosis myself.

Welcome to the club no-one wanted to join. However, the people here are lovely. We will help you through. Grab a comfy chair and settle in.

-Paula


visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
In reply to: kathylandb
Tue, 06-03-2008 - 4:33pm
Yes, its a grieving process.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2006
In reply to: kathylandb
Tue, 06-03-2008 - 5:36pm

My daughter was diagnosed six months ago so I still have days where I grieve here and there. Usually it sneaks up on me when I think I'm totally fine with who she is and with the limitations she has. In the past, I've been sad for me mostly, thinking she has no idea how she's different from other kids. But lately, she's noticing more and it's bugging her and it's making me much more sad for her. I'm trying to encourage hobbies she has and ways she has of connecting with other people but there are still days that I really feel terrible for her now that she's noticing some of her limitations and expressing to some extent that it makes her sad.

I started counseling for myself recently and I think that's helping me cope better emotionally, dealing with the reality of the relationship she and I have and learning new ways to help my daughter THRIVE in the midst of the challenges she faces.

Laura
Isabella 1-4-05
Bryan 12-9-06

Laura Isabella 1-4-05 Bryan 12-9-06
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
In reply to: kathylandb
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 12:36am
I have done the same thing.


Mollie Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: kathylandb
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 12:44am

Yes, I mourned, then was okay, then mad (at the school system), then mourned, then okay, then mad again.


The mad part is good, cuz it means you are ready to fight for your child and his/her rights..


But we always fall back to the mourning part, and thats where this board is important


Lainie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: kathylandb
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 11:02am
I read an article awhile back with an excerpt from Jenny McCarthy about how she felt when the doctor broke the news.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2006
In reply to: kathylandb
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 11:02am

Hi Kathy!


I have always thought the term mourn was reserved for the loss of someone and I have never looked at Nick Aspie dx as a loss.

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Christine

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2008
In reply to: kathylandb
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 3:41pm

I think it is perfectly normal. We go through ALL the stages of grief. Not just once either. Many, many, many times. The only thing that is a sign that you need more help than this board is getting stuck in one phase. We have enough to deal with, we HAVE to take care of ourselves!


Monica

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: kathylandb
Thu, 06-05-2008 - 1:20am

Hi Kathy,


(eta: I didn't read any other posts before I answered...sorry if I repeated what others said with my novel!)


I'm a lurker...Oh, I've posted a few times waaaay back, but now I just lurk.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
In reply to: kathylandb
Thu, 06-05-2008 - 9:42am

Thank you all so much. The more I read all your posts the more I realize that I have been in a kind of denial and I've been focused on the next step because if I stop I'm afraid I'll start crying and might not stop.


I adore my daughter. She's beautiful,

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