Different behaviors with each parent?
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| Tue, 09-20-2005 - 8:07pm |
As I've mentioned before my husband and I have different opinions about our 3 year old daughter who we were recently told has ASD. He thinks that too much of the evaluation was based on my answers to questions and that I may not be objective enough to have answered those questions. So, we are seeking other evaluations through the school district and maybe more with the university. At this point he is pointing out how she can be more flexible with him than with me as evidence of his point of view. For example...If I put her in bed at night she needs two books (usually the same two books) and 1 song. If he puts her to bed (much less often than I do lately) she may not ask for any books or songs. Do any of you have this sort of difference in behavior patterns? Or is it the evidence that my husband thinks it is?
Mary

Dear Mary,
Well, all our kids are just kids, and consequently they have different relationships with different people. If your daughter has a routine of 2 books she demands with you, but that is NOT her routine with her father, she may not demand it with him. I wouldn't call that evidence of no ASD, as what you are describing can be more situational. My son does NOT have the same demands of me that he has of his father, and vice versa. Thank goodness, as the amazingly silly games they play don't suit me at all!!! And his flexibility is not the same with either of us, either.
I think, remembering other things you have written, that it is good that you continue with more evaluations, as it may help get a clearer picture of your daughter, also, if she is indeed ASD, this may become clearer to your dh with more backup. If she is borderline ASD, though, you could end up with differing evaluations, depending on who is doing the evals.
The bigger issue than a ASD dx at age 3, is what exactly is going on with your daughter, what are her strengths and weaknesses and what can be done to help. I am guessing that SOMETHING is up with her, 'cuz your mommy gut says so plus initial eval, and you are right to keep investigating and pushing for help.
Good luck to you,
Sara
ilovemalcolm
I know what you mean about having someone around to focus on positive attributes. It can be nice and very comforting. However, I find lately that I wish I could reverse roles. I want to be the happy cheerleader that only thinks about how smart, and unique, and wonderful my daughter is (Which she is. Don't think for a moment that I don't think she is the most fantastic child in the universe). I want to brag about how my daughter can put together a 100 piece puzzle without that nagging feeling in the back of my head that, strength or not, it is a symptom of something we need to deal with. I don't want to be the one anymore that pushes for evaluations and plans my days around getting her socialization even if it means constantly hanging out with mothers that I don't really like. I don't want to be the one in the relationship that always is put on the negative end of any discussion about our daughter. In short, I'd like to be that optimistic so I could just drop all this with good conscious and not worry anymore and go back to my homeschooling plans and spending my quiet reading time with novels rather than books about ASD and learning disabilities and IEPs.....But then my daughter wouldn't get any help and I wouldn't know how to help her and she wouldn't have as successful a life as she could have--and I'm a mom so I can't do that.
Sorry to be crazy and rambling. This part--the waiting for a formal diagnosis part--is harder than I thought and I'm a little worn out.
Mary
Thank you. I do understand that it is more important to address strengths and weaknesses than have a diagnosis. It's just that I know there are things that about my daughter that need to be addressed, and I don't know how to do it, and I can't do it by myself. My husband, I believe, always expected to hear that she was gifted and that explained everything. And while she may be, she also has autistic characteristics and some behavioral challenges that are hard for me to deal with. I really thought that when the developmentalist said ASD (as hard as it was to hear) that it would help DH and I to get on the same page, so we could move forward. And it did for a little while. Now we're back to square 1 though and it makes me tired.
Thanks again.
Mary
It is very common for a child on the spectrum to have different behavior with different people for a number of reasons beyond just the normal childhood ones (playing one parent off the other). Though they are kids too, lol.
They also can be different at school, then at home, with grandparents, etc.
I think the reasons for this are first, routines. They are very structured little people. She has the routine of 2 books with you but has never set up that routine with dad. Kids with autism have a hard time generalizing skills so they may be able to do something in one place and not others (may be potty trained at home but not at grandmas for instance). It would also be logical that they may not generalize behavior from one person to the next.
Next, you are safe. I am assuming you are main caregiver and see more of her stuff on a daily basis. It is safer to be more herself with you. Sometimes kids with AS will have vastly different relationships with one parent than another. Some will chose one parent to be closer to. I even read this in Cait's "Asperger's, what does it mean to me" book. This was a very hard thing on my husband. From the time she was very little cait was attached to me at the hip and had little to do with her dad. He had to work alot harder to have a relationship with her. It was to the point that she had to go everywhere with me but wouldn't go anywhere with him. Really made him feel horrible. It wasn't him or his parenting. He adored her. It was autism and how her brain processed things. At that age it wasn't that she "loved" me more. I was more an object that was safe. Like a stuffed toy or something.
she is better now, she loves us each in her own way and at least as strongly as an NT child. But I am still the safe and preferred parent. Dad still has to work to get her to do things with him. but she will, especially when he makes her laugh. He really had to work on getting over that her behavior wasn't against him personally. She also saved the majority of her tantrums for me so it wasn't all good. lol
I don't know if that helps any at all or answers your question
Renee