Do you guys...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Do you guys...
8
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 1:36am
Sorry i have been posting so much. But i have so many questions for you guys.

Do you guys ever share any of the "symptoms" with your children??

For instance, Bugs just posted about her son not dealing well with "drop ins" or "lots of noise from multiple children, etc". He can't deal with unexpected social situations well, and other aspies probably cannot as well.

While Catie will open the door and deal with lots of people right away, she tends to get high strung and eventually will have a melt down over a little longer period of time. Meantime, I am actually the one who cant handle it.

Reading Bugs post made me open my eyes and think, my gosh, that is ME! With Catie being our only one, i must have a quiet house. I have inlaws who scream at each other from room to room instead of just walking to that room and talking to whoever. And it is annoying and actually sends chills down my spine. After an hour of it, i have to get out of the house. It drives me crazy.

When other kids are here playing with Caitlin, i personally find it hard to cope. i am constantly worrying about what they are touching, or if they are messing up the room i just cleaned. And if they start running, and squealing, and yelling and fighting, back home they go. I just can't stand it.

And i HATE drop ins. I absolutely HATE it when people dont call ahead and just come over. It is like i dont have time to psych myself up for having company. I have to talk myself into going to family get togethers with the inlaws. I HATE going to large get togethers where i dont know anyone, like parties or weddings. I have alot of anxiety with it, and i probably have had this since i was a teen.

DO you guys ever look at your child and say "wow, they must have gotten THAT from me??"

Just wondering. Wondering if my obsessive/compulsiveness could be passed on to my daughter. I was just at a neighbors playing cards, and their 2 year old is extremely loud, squealing and crying and whining at the top of her lungs. The other parents there seemed to be able to tune her out. But i was crawling out of my skin. She was so loud i couldnt hear what people were saying right across the table from me. As soon as the game was over, i grabbed my cup and ran for the door.

Am i weird? Or can you guys relate at all?

Helen

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 6:24am
I do a little at times. I know I have quite a few traits of AS, just not quite a full set. But my DH is reading over my shoulder and would like to say a few words, so I'm going to hand the keyboard over to him.......

Howdy, you sound just like me. pussycat here let me read a few of your other posts, I think the one I remember was an intro of some kind. I can't stand being around too many people at once unless I'm prepared for it. I like to have things a certain way and have a hard time doing things someone else's way, except maybe my wife's. She's real good at getting me to do things I never thought I wanted to do before. I like to be told a day in advance if we are going to have people over. That's hard sometimes cause Candes is a people person plus she runs a school for MD kids out of our house. I try to be flexible, but I don't think I do a very good job at it. I can't stand people touching my stuff, especially my tools. Our daughter Jadely is like that with her science stuff. I go nuts when Candes' Mom comes for a visit. I really do like her, karin is very sweet, but she's very loud, and bright. She wears a lot of bright colors, hurts the eyes sometimes. I like spinny things, music boxes, and Christmas tree lights. I got in trouble with my wife last Christmas cause I sat in the living room and stared at the tree for a few hours. We were having the school holiday party at the time, so I guess I was being reclusive. I don't understand people most of the time. I wish people would say what they mean and mean what they say. I often have the feeling someone rewrote the english language with new deffinitions and didn't bother to tell me. Do you ever feel that way? that's one of the things candes and I have in common. I try to let my wife run the house, but she's constantly having to tell me to back off. All of my life I've never quite felt like I belonged anywhere. In school I had a hard time keeping friends. I always felt seperate somehow. I've never really felt like there was something wrong with me, more like there was something wrong with the rest of the world. I don't know where I'm going with this. I just wanted to say yes, I constantly see myself in my kids. In my eyes they are normal. If Candes didn't point things out to me about them and they way they act I would never know they were different than other kids. Except Sammi, she's very different, she's hyper and yet controlled (do we call that energetic?) and she seems a bit crazy to me.... she likes to go bunji jumping. But Candes says Sammi's the normal one. I see a lot of Candes in Sammi. They are both outgoing and kinda magnetic. People are just attracted to them, they are both natural centers of attention. Candes is like a pretty, shiney object. she's neat to look at. Neat to talk to too. I think she's smarter than me. I don't get that feeling about people very often. I think people in general are just kinda on the stupid side. Hmmmm....I was told that was rude. Maybe it was, but that's how I feel. But yeah, you sound a lot like me, but with more energy.

~Craig (AKA His Aspieness)

Okay, that has to be the longest letter I have ever seen him write, LOL. And he was giggling the whole time he was typing. LOL, he says he DOESN'T giggle....he laughs quietly. LOL. RIGHT (Bill Cosby voice).

But yeah, I see myself in my kids sometimes. I hate it when people are late. My partner, Scott, is ALWAYS late to just about everything, and it drives me nuts. Jade and Ayla are the same way, if you say you are going to be here at a certain time then you should be here at that time. Ayla ia always correcting people for their incontinuities and I am always restraining form doing so. I have my routines that if broken I find myself not quite knowing what to do at first. But I tend to recover a lot faster than them. I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin when it gets too loud around the house. That's one of the reasons I set up my office so that Scott can come work here with me. When the kids (the ones we work with) get a little out of hand I can retreat to my bedroom for a few minutes and let him take care of them. Motrin and chocolate are my best friends. LOL.

Sigh, okay, we've ben up half the night working on the next school mod's PE schedule. It's time for bed. Tee Hee, it tickles me pink that my DH actually wrote something to you. He very rarely does stuff like that.

Peace,

Candes

(Pussycat?, LOL)

Peace,
Candes  
Avatar for rissc
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 11:03am
What a great post from your dh, Candes. He sounds a lot like my dh:) It made me think of dh's and my latest "argument". I was playing a computer game and dh was sitting right beside me. I was doing appallingly and dh seemed to be growling at me for flubbing it. We got a little heated as I didn't appreciate him being so negative by telling me where I was going wrong. After fuming for a bit, dh told me that he wasn't being negative towards my game playing he was wating me to do well and was encouraging me LOL. Talk about communication breakdown AND over something so stupid, too. Makes me blush to think that after all these years, I still screw up when it comes to understanding that you don't read between the lines with him......what he says is what he means....no hidden meaning. Anyway, I digress..as always:) Just wanted to say that your dh's description pretty much fits my dh and it was nice to be able to read someone else's perspective.

Larissa

Larissa
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Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 11:15am
Candes, Craig,

I feel honored!! And NO, that wasnt sarcasm. My husband is quite the people person. He is former Marine, and was a party man when i met him. And when we met up, and started talking, and started dating, i really had to go OUT of my way to talk myself through situations. I had to tell myself how to act, i had to remind myself not to get over bearing or pushy. I had to remind myself that as a man of 28, he didnt want someone controlling him. And i have fortunately grown into that habit over time. I dont control anything he does or where he goes, unless he throws what i am doing out of whack. Then, i freak. We have learned to co-exist.

Threw highschool i didnt really have a problem "socializing" but it was mostly through work. I was on the work program and at one point in highschool, worked two jobs. Not because i had to, but because i wanted to. Up until the time i got pregnant, i worked full time, but most of the time i worked over-time. I worked the graveyard shift, where there was only me and one other person in the building. It was NICE. i could sit and read a book, and still make 30,000 a year. Quite Cushy.

I didnt realize the WHOLE picture of having a baby. I didnt look past the infant seat. I DO feel quite out of control most of the time with Catie. Not necessarily that SHE is in control, because she isnt in control of anything, including herself. But i am not in control of what happens. And i am not a person who likes to control people, just situations. i like to know what to expect. And with kids, you HAVE to learn to go with the flow.

I find i really have to work HARD at going out and meeting people. My husband finds it quite odd that i can stay in the house for 4 or 5 days at a time. I do for several reasons. A) this kid drives me up the wall in public B) i cant control her rages and melt downs. C) she gets ME flustered and i want to go hide when she does them and D) i am just more comfortable at home. I would almost rather have people here than go out anywhere. (except to dinner. i like to go to dinner wiht my husband, but again, we usually go to the one of the same 3 resturants and i order the SAME thing each time...LOL i am so naurotic!)

Last fall my MIL came to visit. In our 5 years of marriage, it was the first time anyone on my inlaws side stayed in my home. I found out she was using my toothpaste with out my permission. I WIGGED OUT. I mean, i started having a panic attack, i was yelling at my husband. But he thought i was being obsessive about it. I dont find someone going into your bedroom and grabbing your toothpaste and USING it with out your permission being obsessive. IT WAS MY TOOTHPASTE. Mark has his. Catie has hers. i have MINE. She used MINE. ugh.

Needless to say, i was in the therapist office on Monday, after she left. People just dont understand i have my space, and i dont want them crossing it. I dont mind Mark, cause, well, he lives here. I lived with my mom for 23 years. She doesnt bother me. But my MIL? ugh. I also freaked out when i saw her adding HER laundry in with MY laundry in the washer. My gosh, i came across as Psycho. lol i have one sister in law i do NOT get along with. And i have GREAT anxiety when i am around her. Only because things are out of place and things are unsaid, and we dont get along.

It is just more stressful. i would rather have my kidney pulled out my nose than to go to a family get together on Mark's side of the family. I come from a house hold of 2 kids. My brother is 5 years older than me. I was pretty much an only child for a long time, because my brother moved out at 17. Mark has FOUR sisters. Ranging from 35 to 14. Three of those sisters have two kids a piece. Ranging from 8 to 13. It is a mad house, with LOTS of screaming. I want prozac when i go over there for any amount of time. His family thinks i am quite snobbish or i think i am better than them. I am NOT. I just dont like to be yelled at. I dont like kids running around me all the time. I dont like the hectic busy way they do things.

My moms side of the family is very large. But everyone is adults. We dont have alot of kids at family functions. So we play trivia and cook out. I can handle that. it is quite laid back. And when things get alittle loud, i excuse myself and go to the bathroom. And no one thinks anything of it.

i just have my space. I have a system in the house. I dont like it when the system is changed with out my knowledge or approval. As far as my husband, i am pretty laid back with him, as long as he doesnt make more work for me. On days he is home, i still try to stick to the usual routine for "Catie's sake". But honestly, i find it is just as much for me and my comfort zone. And i find it quite aggravating when he has extra days off and he messes up the schedule or routine. Both for Catie's sake and mine. I lose control of how she is acting, thus sending ME into a panic zone.

My neighbors, two are stay at home moms, find it quite odd i will stay in the house while the others and their kids are out drawing on the side walks. i would rather read a book, or surf the web. I would rather talk on the phone than go somewhere. I have had to go out of my way to make them understand, i am just not the one who makes the first step. I love to have friends, but i dont find it odd if i go a week with out talking to them. I am not a person who believes you have to be connected at the hip to be a friend.

Although, i DO have to give myself credit. I DID go to a James Taylor concert BY MYSELF! lol, i just arrived 3 hours early so i could park in the first spot, so i could make a mad dash when the crowd broke. I felt alot of anxiety, but i did it. i was very proud of myself.

I just dont want Catie to be a home body cause i am. I havent gone to college because i felt inadequate. Never fitting in? HA! Yeah, pretty much. I was a VERY insecure teenager. I had the looks. (HAD is the key word there.) But i would stay sitting in my car until the bell rang, put on a act through my classes and skipped out to go to work. (i remember failing all of my projects that required standing in front of the class and talking. Except ONE. Where i did it on Embalming. hahaha, my interest was SO peaked, i went up and talked for like 20 minutes! My teacher was like WHOA! Why didnt you do that all year long?)

Craig, thank you for answering my post. I understand you dont do it often. Most of my friends are on line. I can sign on and talk when i am ready, and sign off when i am done. It is nice to meet new people and to learn more about them, and yourself.

Candes, thanks for showing him the post. This board has been absolutely warm and welcoming and i enjoy how much everyone likes to share their lives on here. It is quite a pleasure to be able to meet others and understand what you are going through is "normal" in some way.

BTW, my neighbors just dropped by and asked me if i wanted to join their bonko game tonight. 12 women sitting around the table kackling and eating and screaming BONKO! MMM, can we say no thank you?? ROFL

Thanks again for your post...

Helen

Avatar for rissc
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 11:17am
I have quirks that make me wonder sometimes just what I am, let alone who I am:) Dh is insistent that I am aspie. I can see that I am a very anxious person. I run scenarios in my head for any new situation. I feel sick to my stomach when going to a function where I know noone. I psyche myself up so that I don't fall apart. I get stressed easily when I'm in a situation that makes me uncomfortable. The only thing I want to do is sleep....the best form of stress relief I know:) My ds is very much like me in the above. He is a wreck when it comes to new situations. He freezes literally. I understand his anxiety but not his physical behaviour. That is a new one on me. I never lashed out verbally or physically as a child. I was the quiet one and hid:)

There's no need to worry Helen. I think you'll find that we all carry traits of some sort that we can identify in our children. I think the most important thing is that we understand where they are coming from. As you can read in my post to Candes', I fail at the understanding from time to time but I'm learning ....slowly:)

Larissa

Larissa
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 3:01pm
OMG! That is the exact reason dh and I don't play computer games together! We both love online or networked action/adventure games but he isn't allowed to be ANTWHERE near me when I'm playing. He's constantly trying to tell me how to play and never listens to me when I try to explain why I'm doing a thing a certain way. I know he's just trying to help me, but it gets really frustrating. He uses the same tone of voice as when he's teaching our 3yo something. It's especially irritating with one game in particular because I'm on the competitive ranking list and currently hold the #16 spot on the global rank ladder (out of 200,000+ players). He's no where on the ladder, but he still tries to correct my 'unconventional' playing style. So WHAT if I use a Paladin's armor on my Amazon? It gives me the attributes I need to simmulate the effects of the Windforce Unique Bow without actually holding one. More room for the Buriza Unique Bow which deals more damage and freezes my enemies. SHEESH. LOL. But yeah, I can totally relate. I just had to say "HEY! That's us!" Hee heeeeee.

Candes

Peace,
Candes  
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 5:20pm
Yes! I sometimes wonder if I am PDD myself - LOL!

My son and I both have a low tolerance for noisy, crowded situations (like family parties or crowded shopping malls). To my son's advantage, he can cover his ears and retreat into his head. I can't, obviously, so I end up getting really high strung and crabby because I just want to be alone (sometimes I escape into a bathroom at a party for awhile or put earplugs in my ears at home).

DS and I share a lot of the same issues when it comes to food textures. I am a picky eater and so is he. He won't eat mixed textures (cereal with milk, soup, no sauce on ANYTHING) and I have issues with certain things too (primarily slimey foods like applesauce or apple pie (apples should be crunchy and not soft), tomatoes, mushrooms, etc).

So yeah, we share some symptoms. There are others too. I wonder sometimes myself if they are genetic/hereditary or learned...

Tracey

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Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 11:56pm
Larissa, your whole first paragraph is me. In fact, when you say you run scenerios in your head. I DO THAT. Whole conversations. How will i look. What i will say. How the conversation will go. In fact, when something happens and it doesnt go well, i run the whole scenerio through my head AGAIN. There have been many times i have frightened myself. LOL, my husband has caught me talking TO myself. As if someone else is standing there. But it is like my way of releasing stress. Releasing the anxiety of feeling out of control. If i go over and over in my head what it SHOULD be like, or how it should have gone, it makes me feel better, like next time i will KNOW how to handle it. The things my bathroom mirror hears about! LOL

And actually i have learned to be very quick with the mouth and comebacks. Witty at times, and it makes me fight better. I now seem to think quicker and come up with things off the top of my head. I usually win fights with Dh, because i usually have a list of things while he is sitting on the couch THINKING things through.

As far as going to a function... LOL< i would rather be a watcher. I will grab a table in the far back corner, I prefer booths than tables out on the floor. I would rather not go at all, but will if i have to. Over the years it has gotten worse. Especially since i have had Catie. But we didnt even have a wedding. I had MAJOR anxiety over being at the front of the church and making out seating arrangments for our families and all the divorcees. Half our families dont get along with the other half. (which is a whole other therapy session). We ended up going to the JP. i have to say, that was the BEST 35 bucks we ever spent.

And i never answered Craig's question about "say what you mean." But that is one of my BIGGEST peeves. People who say they are going to call, then dont. People who say they will drop by, then dont. If it comes out of your mouth, DO IT. Otherwise, keep it shut. Do what you say, and say what you mean. Don't hem haw around. I can't stand that.

and my BIGGEST peeve is repeating myself. I HATE to repeat myself. Which is frustrating since i have a child who doesnt listen, or cant understand me. But when i speak with my husband, and he says "UH?" i just want to slap him. i hate it. I dont know why people dont listen.

But again, i am anal and compulsive. LOL i admit it. And i am BLESSED with a wonderful husband who puts up with all my flaws. It really takes someone completely laid back to deal with my drawbacks.

((Hugs)) to all the BIG "Aspies" out there!! LOL

Helen

Avatar for maresgood
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:44pm
Hi, just got home from work, tough day! No wonder noone wants to go into nursing! Anyway, I see alot of my Aspie dd (10) in my dh & my FIL. He is truly odd, very smart but truly odd! I know this is the side of the family that transfereed the Aspie genes. My dh is VERY shy, a homebody, not a people person, doesn't like parties or social situations. I love to meet new people, like parties, come from a close Italian family. My dh's family is quiet & cold. My dd hates new & unplanned situations, noise bothers her ears & she plugs them, she only will eat certain food, she hates when the water in the shower is too high, she talks to herself alot, does voice impersonations... etc. etc. I don't see any of these traits in myself, but have realized after putting all the peices together that she is an Aspie & now we have our answer as to what is going on. I'm an R.N. & had never heard of Asperger's but now it all makes sense including the dh's family history. BTW, my dh's brother was schizophrenic, which really worries us both :( Have a good week-end-MaryAnn