Do you relax at holiday gatherings?

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Registered: 02-24-2004
Do you relax at holiday gatherings?
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Mon, 12-26-2005 - 10:09pm

We stayed home on Christmas Eve, but went to my BIL's house on Christmas Day. Dh's family was there, we had a nice dinner and also opened more presents. I find it hard to just relax. I'm always watching Nathan. He doesn't always look comfortable, although if you ask him....he says he's fine. The family is loud, not real loud....but loud for him. He just quietly goes to another room, or goes to the basement (or back upstairs, wherever he can be alone). MIL gave him a little toy that she had gotten out of a happy meal. A little Power Ranger that had a spring type tube attached to the figure. Nathan carried it around all day. (which I knew he would) He kept stretching the tube, pushing it back together...and back and forth, etc. So, at least he had the toy. It really seemed to help him. He wasn't interested in bringing any toys from home, so I was glad for the one toy.

I find myself checking up on him all day. We were there about 3 hours, and he was ready to come back home. He kept asking when everyone was going to eat pie. (His cue that everything was done, once dessert was eaten!! lol) I spent most of the day watching cartoons with him, cuddling, massaging, or softly tickling him on his arms and face (he loves this!) Even when we finally got home, he went straight upstairs to his room. Dh, Tyler, and myself were downstairs watching "Home Alone"....but he just wanted to be alone again. And the odd thing.....he was COMPLETELY FINE about it!!! We tried to have him come watch with us, but he wasn't interested. I know he likes quiet time by himself. But I can't help that I worry about him when he does this. It feels like he's shutting us out. Even though I know that's not the case. I know it's just the way he is.

He was so happy about Christmas this year. He told dh, "daddy, this was the best Christmas ever!" Isn't that sweet??? Sometimes I feel like I worry for nothing!! LOL

Michelle

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 10:33pm

We didn't relax either. We never do when we are anywhere with Mike or when anyone is over, expecially lately. He has been too volatile, sensitive and easily frustrated.

It was a constant tag team of who would go in and check and redirect Mike as neccessary. Cait was doing her fair share of whining and needed redirection as well. Typically she is fairly ok at the inlaws. She is one of those that likes to be social with adults though she is quirky.

We made it a full 4 1/2 hours at the inlaws which was surprising for us. But there was no sitting. My inlaws tends to be crowded, loud and the kids are allowed in a small area. I have mentioned it before. We were prepared and had prepped Mike, but dinner was delayed, the night was too long, etc. We had gone in and redirected Mike a number of times and he had a number of "breaks" and time outs, but between holiday angst and all the commotion it was a problem as usual. He held it together but again around 10:00 he was doing something he shouldn't have with a toy and was overstimulated. I was feeling ill, on verge of flu and adults were openning gifts so John and I were remiss for about 10 minuts. Well my FIL went in and tried to get the toy from him himself instead of getting DH or I and Mike threw it at him and threw a table. That was the end of our christmas eve.

Brings to mind another post I was questioning, hmmmm

Renee

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Registered: 01-19-2005
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 3:15am

Well, I don't exactly relax, but it is getting easier. I am dating myself, but when I was a kid, there was a show called "Lost In Space" where a robot was always going around saying "Danger! Danger! Danger!" and until recently, this is how I saw myself at family gatherings. Always on alert mode, watching over Eric, or switching off with DH.

Now I think it has kind of become second nature with me and the "danger" mode, though there, doesn't stress me out anymore. It's just life, you know? Also, Eric has a few more coping skills too, which helps.

Eric was really sick the week before Christmas, I caught it too on Christmas Eve, so we were kind of subdued. We went to SIL's house for an informal dinner, and that was nice. She has 3 kids and the older two are very good with Eric. We are in FL, so it is warm, they have a big yard, so if things get overwhelming, Eric goes outside. We still have to watch, though, to make sure he doesn't take off for the street.

This year was the first year we tried the "kids table" and it actually worked. We are GFCF and SIL is very aware and supportive, so I didn't have to worry there.

Now, Christmas Day was another matter. We went over the MIL's for a more formalish dinner. MIL is a gourmet cook, and although she tries to understand GFCF, it just isn't easy for her. So we arrive to find lovely littles dishes of an upscale version of Chex party mix for the kids ("Danger, Danger, Danger"!) Eric and the cousins run and dig in. I ask MIL about the ingredients, rice and corn Chex but it was Kellogs, which has barley (gluten). I ask if she used butter. Yes. So I find some safe cereal for Eric and by then the kids are on to doing something else.

MIL thought it would be nice to start a tradition where the kids make music before each person opens a gift. She had bought cymbals, drums, maracas etc. ("Danger, Danger, Danger!"). FIL, fortunately, said he thought it would take too long to if they played before each gift, so he suggested one big round of Jingle Bells at the beginning. Eric is very sensitive to sound, but likes music, and by this time the brain numbing gluten effect had set in so he was a bit out of it, which might have been good. Otherwise he would have been worse than the Grinch with all that "noise, noise, noise, noise!"

Gift exchange went fine, Eric somewhat overwhelmed by all the commotion, but DH takes him to a quiet corner of the living room all is well. Dinner went well, kid's table worked again. But kid's finish before the adults, all are tired. One yo toddler walking around with binky crying. Five yo girl cousin rolled up in blanket on the floor playing with Dora. Eight yo boy cousin mad that no one will play chess with him. Eric spinning in cirles alone in a corner watching the ceiling fan. Sigh.

So as the evening ends, SIL decides it would be nice to take a family photo. (Danger, Danger, Danger!) Toddler gets the cymbals, hits her older sister in the head, who starts crying, her brother starts laughing which makes granpa mad, Eric gets up and starts wandering around. A Kodak moment!

But it wasn't bad. Other years I would have been depressed that Eric did not totally participate, but I guess I've come to see we all have our idiosyncracies and the holidays tend to bring out the best and worst in all of us. In some weird way, despite "Danger" mode, I sort of enjoyed the family get togethers this year, which I have not done for a long time.

Also, despite his fog, Eric self-initiated a "thank you" to Grandma and gave her a hug, which made her day and mine too!

Katherine

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 5:10pm

We have this w/ Weston. We have to constantly be on guard for the cousins-- they tend to gang up and don't realize that this REALLY upsets Weston. They will insist that he play w/ them and then he will lose it and tantrum or scream at them angrily. It's so hard when they can't go outside. We didn't go anywhere for the Holidays so we won't have to deal w/ other parts of our extended family. Weston does go off on his own. He loves to watch movies all by himself, but when the whole family is watching a movie, he'll sit w/ us for awhile and then go off upstairs to be by himself. He has a hard time doing things w/ any other kids except Warren (14).

Betsy

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 5:55pm

anything but. in fact i was called a grinch this year. i went off on my mother as i was bagging up dozens of presents into garbage bags afterwards. dh and i opened and opened as the kids payed no attention. had no opportunity to visit, had to keep opening. then i started to freak out cause i didn't know where i was going to put all this stuff. and i have talked to my parents every year about this. it's a waste of money. this was xmas eve.

then xmas day dinner was awful. yesterday i couldn't wait to put the tree away and forget about xmas. and i went into the season very optimistic. i guess i just need to stock up on some xanax and eggnog beforehand.

you wouldn't come near me with a 39 and a half foot poooolllllllllllle!!!!!!!!

val

~Valerie
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Registered: 02-20-2001
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 8:13pm
We went to my moms for xmas eve and had everyone(about 6 in addition to us) over for christmas day.

 


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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 10:15pm

Val - I'm right there with you. EVERY year I have this discussion with DH....his family has to give gifts for all the cousin's birthdays and Christmas. I keep trying to get them to drop the cousin gifts....I personally would be happy not to get two additional $20 toys for each boy every birthday and Christmas. And of course his parents have to out-do the other grandparents and give too much. I tend to box up a bunch of toys around Christmas and their birthdays and donate them so there is more room for the new stuff. TOO MUCH STUFF!!!! I'd be much happier around the holidays if we didn't have to exchange gifts.

We brought the fixings for fancy martinis to the in-laws....I just kept pouring more vodka in mine....it is a good thing no one smokes....I would have hated them to light a match around me that evening - LOL!

Oh well, almost over with....and only 363 days til next Christmas

Bah Humbug, Christie

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Registered: 02-24-2004
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 10:40pm

Betsy,

Does it bother you when Weston goes off to his room all the time? Nathan always does this. He'll sit with us for a bit, then off he goes. I usually find him in his room, just sitting on the floor staring at his toys that he has just "set up" or "lined up". Sometimes he'll be playing with a small toy, like an action figure....talking quietly to himself. I'm not sure why if bothers me. I guess I'm used to Tyler talking constantly, and Nathan's differences seem to be standing out more too.

Val,

Sorry you had such a stressful Christmas!!! When Nathan was little, I had to open his presents too. He was so oblivious to it all. I think it was just last year when I didn't have to open a present for him....he did it all himself. I did have to redirect him after each package, but he did do it all by himself for the first time!!! This year was even better. He just dove into the presents with Tyler....and they just tore off all the wrapping paper!!! It was loads of fun to watch!! It gets better every year, you'll see!!! Hope you're feeling better now that all the holiday stuff has settled down!

Tina,

I know what you mean about your dh not really noticing anything. My dh does the same. I'm the one that ends up watching the boys. I make sure Nathan eats, drinks, uses the bathroom, and calm him down everytime someone says something that confuses him!! Which happens ALL the time!! He panics, the anxiety sets in....and I'm the one who has to settle him down and do ALL THE REASSURING so that no tantrums take place!! Dh wanted to stay even later at my BIL's, but Nathan does great at nagging his dad to leave. This is the only things that gets my dh to move!!! LOL I guess whatever works, huh!!??

michelle

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 11:23pm

I guess I should clarify. It is like this at my inlaws because there are over 25 people (11 children, 3 on the spectrum) and all the children are crammed in one playroom. Again because it was night they weren't allowed outside. There is alot of breakable things at inlaws and alot of "helpful" people trying to redirect Mike. He does ok there for short visits in warm weather when kids can go outside because he will go wherever the kids arent. If they are in, he is out and vice versa. He will hang with my autistic nephew.

Christmas Day was at my moms and totally different. He took one of his lego's out and spent all day building it. This is a very soothing activity for Mike (as long as he can do it independently and it isn't too hard or breaking). He sat in the living room with a preferred movie on and did his lego with no one bugging him. Ohhhhh yeah. He had a great christmas and I didn't have to worry at all. In fact I was sick that day and I even took a nap there while he lego'd away.

I also don't usually have to worry about Cait too much though even she was in an extra knarly mood on christmas eve too.

Renee

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 11:29pm

Val,

I am so sorry your holiday was so hard. Each year it will continue to get better. Most NT kids don't really get christmas until they are at least 4 or 5. The openning gifts is frustrating. When Cait and Mike where that age we assumed all kids didn't get the openning presents thing that young (silly us) so for a few years santa left the gifts out under the tree unwrapped and ready to play with. (ie out of package, all set up) It was much easier and much more fun. I don't think we started wrapping until Cait was at least 5 1/2. We did wrap birthdays but that is easier because it is 1 kid and you can keep redirecting them back to openning.

Here's some eggnog for you.....

Renee

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Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 11:43am

Just to add, Michelle, Sylvia also tends to disappear by herself, especially in large gatherings, ESPECIALLY if there are people over our house. In fact when we opened presents on xmas eve, she opened one that she particularly liked (a purse) and immediately ran into her room and shut the door to play with it, leaving the rest of her presents untouched. And on xmas day (at my IL's, with the whole extended family) after opening two gifts, she decided she'd had enough of the chaos, and went into the kitchen to sit on a stool while MIL cooked, and the rest of us stayed in the living room opening gifts. I was actually really pleased that she did this: she NEEDS the time alone when there are tons of people over. Before she was old enough to realize this about herself, she would throw a fit and lash out when she got overwhelmed... But now, she actually recognizes that she needs to get some distance and just removes herself.

Even when it's just the family, if I see she's getting overexcited, I encourage her to take some time to herself in her room. She usually finds a quiet toy in there and plays by herself until she's calmed down. If I think she's been spending lots of time by herself, I'll try to go in and engage her -- play quietly with her without her brother bothering her and getting her worked up -- but I definitely think that the periodic time alone helps keep her mood regulated. Plus then when she's ready to come out of her room and socialize, she does a MUCH better job. In fact xmas this year was absolutely amazing: after distancing herself those couple of times, she was able to rejoin the group and actually PLAY WITH her cousins -- I nearly fell on the floor! And I know that if she hadn't taken a breather by herself in the kitchen, she'd never have lasted the night. While too much time alone in her room worries me a bit, I think it's overall a good thing that she knows how to calm herself down in there, you know?

HTH!

Jennifer :)

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