Does this get any easier?
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| Wed, 09-28-2005 - 5:01pm |
You would not believe how long I just agonized over what "emoticon" to choose for this post. I don't know what I feel, but I think "angry" might be the closest. I'm just upset and I know I shouldn't be, which makes me even more upset! Why is this so hard? I mean, really! Intellectually I know that Calvin will be fine. I know he loves me and is smart and is going to overcome this. I know I am being a good mom. I know we are doing everything right. It's the emotionally "knowing" this that I'm struggling with. I am soooooo worried about everything and I'm snapping at people and have ZERO patience with my family. And I'm about to throw this whole GFCF diet out the window. I'm not convinced it's helping and I'm having a REALLY hard time conveying to my family (mom, husband, MIL) how strict it is. No, Calvin can't eat that! It has flour! Flour comes from wheat! Did you all read the book I gave you? No? AUGH! I mean, they are trying to follow this diet with me, but my mom isn't very detail oriented and "forgets" to read ALL the ingredients. I caught two things this week (one had wheat starch and the other had flour. Flour!) and she said "well, geez -- does it have to be that strict?" Uh, yeah, it does. Again, did she read the book I gave her? God knows how many slip-ups there have been when I'm not there. Which makes me wonder why I should even bother.
And then I'm resentful. Why my child? Would any of this be easier if he were NT? I can't figure out if I'm just not happy with being a mom sometimes or if this just my subconscious reaction to a child who may not be as emotionally attached to me as I am to him. And I hate talking to moms with NT children. I hate hearing about their kid's milestones. I sit there with a lump in my throat and smile. Then go home and cry.
Sorry -- I'm just having a bad day. I hope your days are better.
Kellie

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thank you, Jennifer -- I really appreciate your post. We've been haveing a really rough time this week. Calvin is reacting kind of badly to all the intense therapy and this week has been a doozie. I've heard it's common, but it's been so hard to watch his behavior deteriorate while his speech and cognition increase. It's so weird. For the last month or so I've had really high hopes for him. He seemed so happy and so interactive and now he is soooooo autistic these days. I don't think it's a regression, regression, but a reaction instead. And now I'm guilty by association with the therapists. He sees me coming and says "NO!" and scampers away. I just don't even feel like his mom, but more like a mean camp counselor. ;-(
Anyway, thank you for your post. I'm looking forward to the next up part of this rollercoaster.
Kellie
Dear Kellie,
Ooo, I remember this big time when Malcolm was little, and now he can (and does, emphatically) tell me about how much he disliked certain therapists and therapies. But they all made such a difference, the ones we stuck with, anyways, and his symptoms decreased as he was more in control and understanding of what was going on around him and how to participate. And then he would get worse again AND make another big developmental leap! Now the development and temporary regressions are much more subtle most of the time.
Symptoms are just that, and NOT our children or even the real problem. If your child is raging out of their head with a fever, you treat the fever, not the ravings. Remember that we and the many therapists are working with them on the core deficits, the sensory system, language reception and usage, attending, withstanding suspence, flexibility, self-regulation and self-calming.
Recently, he was reading to me from a "Junie B. Jones" book, and the main character age 6 often mixes up her words and phrases in a very cute way. Malcolm says "Hey, Mom, Junie B. needs speech therapy, doesn't she?"
yours,
Sara
ilovemalcolm
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