Don't know how to handle this
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| Thu, 11-22-2007 - 2:36pm |
Haley (10yr Aspie) was invited to a friend's birthday party. I've never been tremendously fond of this friend because she is very snobby and bossy but she is pretty much Haley's only friend and Haley loves her.
They were on the phone this morning and Haley had it on speaker phone. The friend said that two of the people invited didn't like Haley and that they wouldn't come if they knew she was going to be there. So she was talking about hiding Haley until they arrive and then scaring them when she jumps out.
For me, red flags are going up all over the place but I don't know what to do. Do I let her go and hope for the best? Or do I say no way? I am not on good terms with the mother because she is 1000 times worse than the daughter when it comes to being snobby and bossy. But this whole thing does NOT sound good at all to me. Haley says she's fine with it but I think it is mean and extremely rude to Haley. And yet, I hate to upset Haley by saying she can't go.
What would you do?


Oh, man, I am so glad I don't have girls!
Hi Jill,
Ugh!
Thanks everyone. I will talk to her about it and try to get her to understand what is happening here. That's one thing that can be so hard... the naivety. She can't see when someone is using her or being snobby. And in this case, Bratzilla is her "best friend" so she can do no wrong. The thing is, this kid has a history of being horrible. Last year, for example, Haley was planning to play with a new friend. Bratzilla (my favorite term for this kid) called and wanted Haley to come to her house. Haley said she had plans. First Bratzilla started whining and crying on the phone and then starts screaming her head off at Haley that she would never talk to her again if she didn't come over right that minute. I waited to see what Haley would do before I stepped in. Haley just looked at me with tears running down her face and asked if it was ok to hang up on her. I said absolutely. She spent the rest of the night crying.
They eventually became friends again (against my better judgment) but this year, she is being rotten again... just really, really superior. She knows Haley isn't popular because of her behavioral issues that she's had in the past. But Bratzilla is always quick to point out that the other kids don't like Haley and that Haley should be more like her (Bratzilla) if she wants friends. She should dress more like her, act like her... etc. Haley doesn't see that what this kid is really doing here is insulting her and telling her that she isn't good enough. She's even come into my house and told me bold faced that I'm not feeding my dogs right, giving them the proper treats, doing their nails right, etc. I took all I had not to go off on her.
The mom is a real piece of work. I cannot stand that woman. She doesn't have a clue what goes on between the kids. Haley was playing over there once and came home with a bloody mouth because her younger son (age 4 at the time) kicked her in the face. Never got a call when it happened. Didn't find out til I came to pick her up. She's also left the kids alone in the house while she goes and walks the dog and even left them alone in the car when she ran into a store once... which I never agreed that Haley could go to anyway. This was all two years ago. She hadn't done any of those things since after I yelled at her about it but those concerns are certainly fresh in my mind. And when Bratzilla was screaming at Haley on the phone that time, the mom was 100% clueless. I don't fully trust that woman.
We are going to sit and have a long, long talk. At this point, I have little intention of letting her go but I will try and see if it can become her own decision rather than my own.
Hope you all had a wonderful holiday!
Mom to Erin (19) and Haley (10yo Aspie)
Mom to Erin (19) and Haley (10yo Asp
Hey Tea
There is a book out there called Queen Bees and Wanabees. It is about the dynamics of female relationships in the home, schools and even going into adult hood. I read the 2nd book to this book and it was an eye opener. to say the least. I guess the best question you need to ask yourself is.. Do you want to teach your daughter how to be a WAnnaBee?
Are you so desperate for her and even for herself that you are willing to allow her to go through what she is going through just to have a friend?
Aspie kids are resilent. I kow Josh goes through alot to make friends and i know how he feels but at 12 I think he is starting to figure out who is worth it and who isn't. He chose to change scout troops this year to one where more of the boys in it spoke his language so to speak. It is a smaller troop and so far it has been a good decison for him. One that he made.
There are so many different other avenues you might try and take to allow Haley to try and make other friends. Wether it is going to a pottery club. Girl Scouts etc. Religious youth groups.
Jill,
Thanks Rina and Alexis. We talked yesterday and it didn't go very well. She's furious with me and thinks I'm "attacking" her best friend... which I wasn't. All she kept saying was, "I protect my friends!!" I told her that is an admirable thing but even friends can choose to do the wrong thing and that as her mother, it is my responsibility to protect her.
The interesting thing here is that, whenever I start to bring this subject up, Haley starts to cry. This leads me to believe that there is more going on here than I know about and maybes she realizes that this kid is being hurtful but doesn't want to admit it? I might be wrong but that's the feeling I get.
Rina, I talked about some of the very things you mentioned. That she doesn't have to be like everyone else, that a real friend likes you for who you are... not who they can turn you into. And I tried to get her to understand that just because this kid is her "friend", that doesn't mean she has to accept everything this kid says or does blindly.
I dropped the talk after awhile because I was losing her. She wanted to be alone so I backed off for now but will bring it back up gently.
I will have to look for that book. Definitely sounds interesting. I've always had the same problem with making friends. I never knew how to make friends. Sometimes I wonder if I have AS honestly. Looking at Haley's issues, I see a lot of them in myself... especially when I was younger. I have a big issue with eye contact, lacking in social skills... Although I am better now as an adult, I do still have issues to some extent. I have online friends but no one IRL.
Mom to Erin (19) and Haley (10yo Aspie)
Mom to Erin (19) and Haley (10yo Asp
You did fine. Of course she might be upset because i am sure deep down Haley knows you are right. But