ds is lying

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
ds is lying
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 8:38pm

A note home from the teacher today says that during lunch recess an IA was playing ball with my ds8 and another student.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 9:09pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 10:15pm

We have this situation too.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Wed, 05-26-2010 - 5:50am

It might help to remember that lying is good, actually. It's a very important social skill and one that is incredibly hard for ASD kids to learn. And also, it's very confusing when you don't assign the same weight to things as everyone else (why is biting worse than stealing or putting your hands over someone else's eyes? to us, it's clear, to an ASD kid, it isn't at all).

I do agree with your therapist that things at school stay at school. I'd go even further and say that for ASD kids, things within an hour have to stay within that hour. They just can't make the connections and learn from their behaviour otherwise. He will not understand any punishments that happen at home and won't connect them to something he did at school - he won't even connect them to things he did at home, come to that, unless you really break down the links and consequences for him explicitly. Why should biting someone result in loss of computer time? he didn't bite the computer...and if he did, the computer wouldn't care. Imposing the punishments makes the rest of the NT world feel better, but it doesn't actually teach the ASD kid anything useful.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Wed, 05-26-2010 - 11:49am

Wow...you do have a ton of stuff going on right now. I would be super stressed too. That could be why this seems like a big deal right now. If it was just a normal day, then maybe this wouldn't seem so bad.

I don't know if he was lying or not. I would be kind of proud if my daughter flat out lied about something. It is a bit weird to think of it that way, but NT kids lie. My 3 year old NT child bit a kid recently and denied it. I was shocked. My PDD daughter would not only admit to it, but also let me know if she accomplished the damage she was going for. Trust me she does get in trouble for it but as a pp mentioned, it is not always effective. She knows that if she "causes damage" (her phrase) to anyone that when she gets home from school she eats dinner, does homework, has a bath, and straight to bed with no play time. It doesn't stop her all of the time, but if her teacher catches her when she is getting to that point and reminds her, it will stop her.

I guess our children just don't have a good grasp on cause and effect. Well most young children don't. Aria can tell me that if she throws her toy she will lose the toy for a day, but it doesn't stop her from throwing the toy. We do try to make our discipline match as much as possible with the offending act, but that is really hard when it comes to physical stuff. I wouldn't bite my daughter because she bit someone, you know. As for lying, if he really believes his story, then in his mind, he is not lying. There really isn't anything that can change that. You can't force him to really believe the adult's story. That is a difficult one. However, if it is just this one instance, it is really not a big deal. He may be learning to lie from his peers, and that is actually a good thing. There is also the possibility that this child did at one time put his hands over his eyes and he may not get that people usually react to the current and not the past. In his mind, the fact that the other child put his hands over his eyes 3 months ago may just excuse the crime of the present. Kind of a hard concept for me to wrap my head around but it may just make sense to him and justify his actions.

Now that I am thinking about it my daughter hit a girl in her gymnastics class once and when I asked why she said that the girl had growled at her and scared her. I know that the growling was a few weeks prior to my daughter hitting her, but to her it made sense.

HTH and many hugs for everything that you have going on now.