DS saying hurtful things to Daddy
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| Tue, 07-12-2005 - 10:12pm |
Lately Vaughn has been saying some hurtful words to his Dad like "I love Mommy but I don't like Daddy", and "I hate Daddy"...especially when he comes home from work. He wants to be with me all the time (I'm a SAHM) but although DH smiles and tries to deflect it, I know it hurts. When I've tried to tell DS that his words are hurting Daddy's feelings and Daddy loves him, he'll say "All I care about is me and Mommy". DH is a wonderful Dad who tries to spend lots of quality time with Vaughn. He takes him out to play when he gets home from work so I can make dinner, he will take him someplace fun usually one day on the weekend, just the two of them. They have a blast together, but he still says this often.
When I'm home with Vaughn during the day, he will often say to me, "When is Daddy coming home?", "I miss Daddy", "What will Daddy say when he sees what I made in school today" so I know he cares. Any ideas or experiences that you can share with me to get him more respectful of his Dad's feelings or should DH just get a thicker skin?
Shelley
Vaughn (4)

It may be a little bit of a jealousy because Vaughn has you to himself all day
Pat
Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response. --
Shelley,
Nathan has a tendency to be extremely honest. There are times that he will say something to his brother but not usually to me or his dad (he's only done this a couple of times with me and dh). With his dad though, Nathan will "correct" him constantly, and pretty much make him feel incompetent!! LOL Although I find it hilarious when he does this to dh, I do step in and inform Nathan that dad knows what he's doing and that he doesn't need to tell daddy all the time.
I usually take the same approach as Pat had suggested. Nathan flips back and forth, sometimes doing autie things and then other times doing typical 6yr old stuff, as well. He keeps me on my toes!!
I always tell him that what he said hurt his brother's feelings, and that's something that we don't do. And then I always make him apologize. This is something that we have always done with both boys. Nathan does have to be reminded alot, and he slips occasionally. But sometimes when he does say something, he will gasp and cover his mouth....and then apologize. So, he is learning what is nice and what is not so nice. It's a work in progress though!!! He doesn't always know what is appropiate to say to others, so that's where the constant reminding comes in.....it is exhausting!!!
I also ALWAYS address the situation immediately. I don't let things slide. I'm not a real strict mom, (I don't think, LOL). But I have learned, with my boys, that things need to be addressed when they happen.
Vaughn may just not know the actual impact of his words. Do you think that's a possibility? I know I find myself "explaining" things to Nate all the time. He could also be trying to send his dad a message. With dad being at work all day, and not being with him....that could make him upset(this is the age where both of my boys started wanting to be with dad more). This could be something he's not consciously doing of course, but possibly that's how he's expressing himself, and can't find the exact words.
Hope this helps! Good luck.
Michelle
Shelley,
I think what you are seeing has a lot to do with the following:
1) social delay of kids with ASD's, which is making Vaughn act more like a securely attached 2 yr old who naturally prefers his SAHM over Dad
2) general difficulty of ASD children in switching gears
Cassian is 5.5 yrs old now, and in the past year, we have seen him switch over to preferring his Dad, Tim, in a huge way. Most kids are doing this around the age of 3-4, but he was pretty much ignoring his Dad at earlier ages, unless Dad was the only one around that he knew. These days, Cassian goes out with his Dad on an outing, and he comes to me and says, "Mommy, you stay here. Daddy and I are going together." He is 50+ lbs and insists that Daddy carry him when they are outside, and he sits all over his Dad on the couch whenever he sees his Dad watching TV. At restaurants, he doesn't want to sit next to me. It's always Daddy and Cassian on one side and me on the other. He also wants his Dad to take him to the bathroom all the time, not me.
This has been a totally new development. Along with it, I noticed Cassian distinguishing between boys and girls and male and female characters. He would tell me I had to play the girl, and he would play the boy in a story. He just became much more aware of gender this year (another thing that typically happens at age 3-4, but he seemed to come by it later). It's not that Cassian didn't know he was a boy before this time. It just became a much more important issue in his life, and along with this realization, he began following his Dad around much more.
My guess is that in the next year or so, you will see Vaughn doing the same thing. For now, when you are at home, maybe you could try calling his Dad at work when he mentions him at home (in a way, this would let him call the shots about who he interacts with). Also, try planning special events that are just for him and his Dad. Make sure you post these on a calendar or something that Vaughn can see in advance. That way, the event won't sneak up on him and he can transition easier. Try making a memory book of things that Vaughn and his Dad do together too. This can help him solidify positive memories, which he may need to do, since he spends less time with Dad than with you. Also, if he likes dramatic play, you can talk about roles that Dad might play when he gets home. Cassian often casts his Dad in roles, and then when he gets home, he is ready to play a particular scenario (another example of how he is calling the shots, yet bringing Dad into the picture).
I have also found that Cassian says "no" or "I hate it" or some other statement whenever he is asked to transition, but then he moves forward, starts having fun, and forgets his initial rejection of the idea. Make sure DH knows that this is probably what is going on, as well as the developmental thing. Maybe he will feel better knowing this, and knowing that other kids with ASD's took a longer time to warm up to their Dads.
Suzi
I know with both my boys they go through phases where one parent is prefered over the other. They can last a week or 2 and we have had some periods last several months.
Who does your husband first greet when he comes home from work? One that has REALLY helped in loosening the preference of our kids was to have whomever came home greet the children first and then me/him. They get to give their hugs, kisses, and tell whatever without feeling like they have to interupt mommy and daddy and Mommy/Daddy isn't seen as taking away from the other parent, but rather joining in. We are starting to have lots of competition issues between the 2 boys so already having this in place at least removes competion from inbetween the 4 of us.
Shelly,
Hugs to your DH. I am in exactly the same boat with Peter and it hurts like anything. Since he was tiny, Peter has preferred his Dad. At 2yo, when I was home on maternity leave, DH could come in the door to see Peter curled up on my lap with his bottle, blankie and bear, and as soon as Daddy sat down; the little booger would up stakes, gather all his things and stumble over to curl up on Daddy.
As he got older it got worse, with him saying things to me like "I hate you. I wish you were dead and then me, Siobhan and Daddy would be happy together." Lovely words to hear when your standing over the stove. Tears got into the dinner more than once.
Things have started to turn around very recently (Peter turns 7 in two weeks). Two things happened:
DH finally started to take more responsibility for discipline around here (he had the nickname of "Mr Pushover" for a long time).
We started talking to Peter about family, and how important it is to have all the component parts. DH explained to Peter that my mom had died when I was five and I was put in a children's home... blah blah blah. (I didn't know Jim had told him, and Peter surprised me with questions about it one day). He explained how lucky Peter is to have two parents, and I explained how hard it was on me and my sisters to have the experience we did.
So recently Peter has been my buddy. He will hold my hand when we are outside now, instead of crossing over me to get to DH's hand, and he sometimes expresses a preference for sitting beside me. I don't know if this is genuine or an effort on his part, but I am sure to compliment him and tell him I love him ("You don't love me" was a recurring theme), so that even if it is an effort now, the effort is rewarded, and hopefully the behaviour will eventually become second nature.
Vaughn may need more time to mature before he is ready to treat his dad the way Dad deserves. Suzi's point about immaturity certainly hit home with me. Peter is significantly delayed in his development, and I don't think he would have been ready at 4yo for the steps he has recently taken. In the meantime, your DH needs to not take it personally. These aren't Vaughn's true feelings. It's the Autism talking. Things will get better, with time, patience and lots of love.
-Paula
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