evicting my son at age 18
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| Fri, 12-22-2006 - 2:14pm |
My son will be 18 next month. I am so tired of his negative attitude and spoiled behavior. I work like a dog to keep house and home and he is so unappreciative. I don't ask for much but I refuse to be talked to like dirt!
Son was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 15 1/2; he has gone to a minimal of counseling; says he doesn't need it. (You know the type, he knows everything). He has an anti-depression prescription but refuses to take it. I'm the dummy in the family.
I can't take it anymore and am thinking about asking him to leave when he's 18. My husband will freak. He doesn't really acknowledge that anything is wrong. I guess if you're a man and go to work then you've done your job. (Son does have a PT job). But a woman goes to work full time, takes care of the house and tries to take care of everyone in it and then they wonder why we get stressed? I'm tired of being disrespected. My older two children (who are no problem) don't live at home anymore. This aspie son has been putting me through hell for the last 6 years or so. Don't I deserve a break?
Please don't recommend counseling. I'd love it, but you can lead a horse to water but you can't force him to drink or take his depression meds.

Some aspy kids tend to think they know everything when they get older. His attitude #1 is just from being a teen. #2 is from the aspy. Sense he was diagnosed so late, it will be harder for him to understand things like an aspy kid who was diagnosed young would already know. Aspy kids tend to not know how to read clear social signs. (angry, sad, disappointed etc..)
I do not think kicking him out is the solution. I do understand your frustration, but kicking him out will not make it any better. I know you can not force a depression pill down his throat, but you are still his mother and you can make him get in the car and escort him to therapy. Therapy is the best thing for him and it will help.
Well my response is a bit different. I recently have been helping or listening to a local friend with a AS/BP dd who just turned 18 a few months ago and is in a similar situation so my perspective is a little different.
He is going to be an adult. He is going to need to take responsibility for himself (AS or not) and you can't enable him by just letting him stay home and behave badly. It is also not ok for him to treat you badly. However, he likely doesn't have the skills to make it on his own.
So my thought is basically setting down some limits for him. ie, you can continue to live here only if you follow this agreement 1) you take your meds, 2) you treat us with respect and 3) you hold up your adult end of the living situation (what ever that is you need to decide. Whether it is chores, rent, etc make it consistent with his ability to do so, or in other words don't set him up for failure expecting him to do things he doesn't have the skills for yet. He is still AS)
If he doesn't follow the agreement then out he goes. If he fails out on his own and wants to come home, he can IF he follows the house rules.
To get tough on him and send him on his own is not only going to help you but him. You are down to the wire on preparing him for adulthood at this point and unfortunately you can't coddle him when this is his attitude. You can provide him with appropriate supports but that doesn't make it ok for him to be rude.
Even a person with AS will be arrested if they break the law. They will also be fired from jobs for being disrespectful. There for it isn't a matter of understanding his disability at this point. It is a matter of teaching him the appropriate behavior while being mindful of his challenges in a way that is mindful of his challenges. ie being extremely concrete and routine about it.
HTH
Renee
Ditto to what rbear says. The unfortunate reality is that you must accomodate to the world. The world does not accomodate to you. The more a child expects, the more disappointed they are as adults. The more a child is grateful, the happier they are as adults.
Nice parents raise mean kids. Mean parents raise nice kids.
I wouldn't just throw him out to the wolves tho without warning. Give him some prep best as you can. I do sympathize with how you feel. It is hard.
I just want to send some hugs your way, esp. as you sound so tired and sad. And I want to say that you have really been in a hard spot, finding out so late, and dealing with everything all by yourself and with an older, rebellious child.
But I also want to say that your son is in a VERY difficult situation himself, as he has a serious disability that has gone unrecognized and untreated for so long. The anger and disrespect you are now experiencing from him is coming both from his disability and the lack of treatment of that disability. He does not have the tools to be able to better behave. Remember he is delayed in social and emotional development. Getting treatment is really going to be important to him, and yet now that he is so close to legally being an adult (but likely NOWHERE near actually being one...), this will be much harder.
You have only known about his dx for 2 and a half years and you say he has put you through 6 years of hell. His disrespect comes from not really being able to see you as a separate person, partly as a totally self-centered teen, badly compounded by the sensory self-focus of an AS person unable to do much more than just trying to get by moment-to-moment. Therefore, he only sees you in regards to his own perceived needs...
That being said, Renee does has a great approach, tough love. I basically do agree with her, that you will have to be firm about therapy, trying and sticking with medication (if it helps, doesn't always with AS), learning to be responsible, treating you with respect, etc. If he stays, he gets to work on learning what he will need to know, mostly about himself, also about the world around him.
Has your son done reading on AS? There are so many good books out there, some written by teenagers with AS about their disorder, very helpful. Has he been in a mainstream school situation without support, esp. socially? Does he have friends? Does he do any independent activities outside of attending school? Has he managed to be successful anywhere in his life?
My own son is 9, half a life more until he is your son's age. We are seeing the stirrings of teenager-ness, I know we will be in for some rough hormone-based rides. But I do imagine, from your post, that you have had a particularly terrible time of it and you must really need to take care of yourself now as well. And as I also struggle with not taking good enough care of myself all the time, I just want to say that I relate. But taking care of yourself first will help keep your son's difficulties in better perspective. Is there a relative your son could stay with for awhile, give you a break?
We all do understand these troubles. (((((HUGS))))) and welcome to the boards. I hope you will stick around, let us support you as best we can, "listening". Maybe we can be helpful in more ideas for you to deal with him, many here have older teens as well...
yours,
Sara
ilovemalcolm
I just keep looking at your post and thinking of my mother. She has two 'mid twenties' boys that she had a hard time getting out of the nest. The younger one (now 22yrs) is ADHD and still at home. The older one (now 26yrs) moved out several months *after* he got married and moved his wife in as well... I think they've been out for about 5-6 yrs. He doesn't have any dxs... but for all I know he could be considered an Aspie.
Anyway... my sister and I have *begged* my mom for years to treat them as she would have treated us if *we* had been rude to her and tried to sponge off her! Back then she was a much stronger woman... not perfect... but stronger. She's let the boys (and my verbally abusive?? stepdad) wear her down to the point that she just doesn't know how to make the little birdies fly! My stepdad swears he wants my brother out... but doesn't support her in things and she just can't take the step alone.
She's let it get to her so bad that she has been seriously depressed for years... on and off meds when she had the money/insurance for them... and went through crazy ebay buying sprees trying to 'buy happy' to the point that she lost her home of 30+ years! And yet when they moved out... they took my brother (and sometimes even a girlfriend) with them to the rental house. My uncle bought her house back and is fixing it up to rent to her... but *only* if my brother doesn't come/pays his own rent... (like mom won't just give the $$ to him and have him give it to my uncle). It's all so depressing even to those of us *not* stuck living with him!... I can't even imagine what it is like for mom.
In other (much shorter) words...... I'm with Renee. Set the ground rules *now* and if he doesn't stand by them *don't* keep setting new rules and giving him 'another chance' (that's my mom's game these days)... send him on his way for a real life lesson. Don't wait till he's worn *you* and your household down to nothing. It's possible that he will make a real change when he sees what the real world *is* like... at that point I might give him a second chance at a hand-up to become a part of it... but right now the birdie needs to either accept flying lessons on *your* terms... or go ahead and fly. (And honestly... I don't think he'll live up to your terms... but I think it *is* only fair to give him a 'last chance' so he knows *why* he's being shown the door in no uncertain terms.)
(My only hope/dream now is to try and get my mom to come 'help' me out in May/June when my next baby is born... so she can get a break from it all. But she won't leave... she's afraid my brother will destroy the house/her things in 'protest' if she isn't there to care for his every 'need'. I say *let him*... then let them *charge* him and let him spend a few nights in jail... or longer! Quit bailing him out of his actions! ADHD or any other dx is not a 'licence to kill'... if he doesn't figure that out soon he will be in some serious trouble someday.)
Kristy