Feeling resentful of my sister

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Feeling resentful of my sister
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Mon, 02-13-2006 - 11:51pm

I posted this on the autism board but would love some more advice. This is really bothering me a lot, Thanks!

Hello, my son Jacob is 28 months old and was diagnosed with autsim 9/22/05...My sister has a 14 month old son who is perfectly normal and it seems that every single chance she gets, she's calling me and telling me EVERY new word he is saying...my son Jacob is nonverbal. I'm having such a hard time with her bragging and I feel she does it on purpose...I am a stay at home mom and she works 9 hours a day with her kids in daycare that long...my mom says she feels guilty that she's not home with them so she feels the need to talk about them all the time. I just can't believe she's never thought how I would feel listening to her brag about him. I'm very hurt about and am afraid that if I talk with her about it, she would be very offended and it would blow out of control...everytime she calls me it's always something about her kids! It's not all about the talking thing but it's what he eats at meals, how much he eats, how he acts, how much fun he is...I honestly don't care what he does everyday! I don't tell her about our daily lives. I know what a 14 month old does and what they say because I also have a 5 year old dd and Jacob has twins sister who does it all also....I'm sorry to vent but this is making me SO upset...I get this pit in my stomach like I just want to blow up at her and she just does not understand...she always says to me "why don't you talk with me about things"...well if I do, she just blows it off...Jacob is into this screaming very loudly thing when he gets in trouble or can't communicate if she hears it she just is like "oh!" that's loud....she's a very selfish person and always has been. Now the more I talk about her I'm getting more mad!!!

Any advise would be greatly appreciated!!!!

Keri

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 8:57am

Wow...that's a tough one! I think that the only thing that you can do is tell her how you really feel!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 8:59am
No advise, just hugs. It's hard. I feel the same way. My parents are always saying my Jacob is just slow, but I know better. It's especially hard b/c I am a special ed teacher. How's that for ironic.
Anyhow, your only options are to ignore her or tell her how you feel (over and over again until she gets it)
Here's a bottle of cyber wine!
Good luck!
Sonya
Avatar for littleroses
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 11:04am

delete




Edited 4/1/2006 10:31 am ET by littleroses
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 12:59pm

Keri,

I have a sister who is almost 2yrs older than me. We don't have any problems regarding Nathan though, she teaches autistic children....so it's easy to talk to her about his issues.

I do understand about bringing up subjects that can start "something"!!! My sister has a temper and can get very upset VERY easily!! I've learned to word things differently....to get my point across, without directly upsetting her. I don't go to our mom for help, basically because she IS no help!! (but that's another story!)

It is difficult when it's a family member...especially a sibling. I can't imagine that she is directly trying to cause you any pain. But may need to be reminded about things that she doesn't deal with on a day to day basis.

HTH,
michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 2:09pm
Keri,
I could have posted this myself. My sister is my best friend but ever since my son Jake was diagnosed last year I feel myself getting more and more resentful of her. She recently called me and was complaining about the fact she thinks it's unfair that kids who go to public school get to have religion classes for free in catholic school. I can't tell you how much I wanted to scream down the phone at her because I just went through the horrible process of trying to get Jake into a Catholic school none of which seemed at all interested in taking him. We have since decided to send him to public school. I wanted to say so badly to her about how lucky she was just to be able to decide on a school to send her daughter to and about how nobody had ever asked her to take her daughter to meet the principal in person before they decided she was accepted. I really get angry with her over things we probably both moaned about before Jakes diagnosis. I know it's probably because I feel her problems are trivial compared to mine but I just don't know what to do about it. I know I need to say something to her because I noticed that I don't call her or see her as much as I used to and I feel guilty about it.We always tell each other everything and she really has been there for me to talk to so I almost feel bad for complaining about her.I'm interested to see what others who have been through a similar situation have done.Sorry, I haven't exactly been helpful to you!
Teresa
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 2:41pm

Teresa, you sound exactly like me!!! She is my best friend as well but like you said, I feel better not talking with her anymore..it just makes me SO extrememly upset. Wow, I'm so glad someone else is feelign the same thing. We both have "typical" daughters 6 weeks apart and there has always been competition...thank you so much! It will be great talking with you more in the future!!

Keri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2005
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 2:53pm

Hi Keri,

I may not have the best advice, but I wanted to tell you I sympathize. I have been through similar situations with relatives (mostly in-laws) on two counts. The first was when I was suffering infertility. My SIL had an easy time getting pregnant, had easy pregnancies and wanted to share every detail. I had a hard time getting pg and 8 miscarriages in 10 yrs. I knew she was just excited, and after awhile she did understand, but at that time everything that caused her joy caused me pain.

But I guess I learned something from that experience, which was, my feelings count too. My SIL also learned how to be more supportive. Now that I have an ASD son I also feel resentful at times at how easily her children develop and learn things, with seemingly no effort. My SIL does listen and truly is supportive now, but she and the in-laws tend to try to tell me things my son does are "just a phase" or "he'll outgrow it." They mean well.

So, what have we done? I've learned that caller ID can be useful. If I am not in the mood to chat. I don't. If I am feeling emotionally strong, I do. I still have this gosh-darned need to try to educate my family about autism. But I never could educate them about infertility either, even though I tried. "Just relaxing" was not the solution to infertility. "He just needs more discipline" is not the solution to autism. I seek support at places outside my family network for ASD-related things. Don't get me wrong, I still love my family, and my own parents are actually very understanding and are great listeners, but I live in the same town as the in-laws, so I deal with them more. To their credit my in-laws have come a long way in trying to understand our son. I know it has been hard for them too, to an extent, I think they've been "putting on a happy face" for us. I don't blame them.

I also use the "need to know basis" in my conversations with family. Does my MIL "need to know" that my son will go into a screaming tantrum bc I took a different road to OT than I usually do? No. If I told her, she would probably say something like "he's pushing your buttons, all kids tantrum, etc." I don't get anything from telling her except upset by her advice. There are times when family does need to know, but for the daily struggle part, I come here or to a few good mom friends who live near me with ASD kids.

I don't mean to sound cynical, and I certainly don't know your sister, butif you can't talk this over with her and it goes on too long and you just feel worse after your conversations with your sister, I'd say get caller id and use it. If you are feeling good, go ahead and talk. If not, just let the phone ring.

Plus, I hate that I am so jealous of my SIL, but I also know it's ok that I feel this way as long as I don't get into a downward negative spiral.

Wish I had something more upbeat to say, but you really are not alone, as you can see. It's really ok to take care of yourself too.

Katherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 4:12pm

Wow, thanks a lot Katherine, I really do appreciate your advise and you are not critical at all...everything you said makes perfect sense and I do have caller id but I surely need to use it more. My parents are awesome about everything, they don't know too much about autism, but enough to know what they need to know. Actually the day we found out I was a basketcase and my mom told me, "Sometimes the special ones are loved even more"...Just thinking of that makes my eyes water...I seem to cry a lot more ofen too...even just not with my own family but on movies, tv shows, books...I'm so emotional!

Thanks again for all your advise and help! I truely do appreciate it!

Keri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 10:29pm

Keri,

Perhaps you could write her a letter about how you feel. That way you can take your time with writing it to make sure that it conveys exactly what you want it to say and you can try to control the tone. Also, with a letter you get the benefit of not letting her interrupt you until you get your whole point across.

Again, I would try to not make it angry or nasty, or try to make her feel anything. I would try to make it as forthright and honest as I could and not point blame or anger, but instead just try to explain how her behavior affects you and makes you feel. If nothing else, you will get this monkey off your back. You can't control her behavior, but you can control yours and I bet that if you get this off your chest that you will have an easier time getting those jealous thoughts out the door.

I'm so sorry that your sis is such an unfeeling lout. Perhaps a letter would help her understand, but in all likelihood it won't and that's okay. At least you will feel better.

{{{{{Keri}}}}}}
Good luck,
Gemma

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 5:49pm
Maybe you could have your sister read a book to better understand the dx. Maybe she is in denial about your child. Everyone comes to things in their own way and time. If you aren't comfortable telling her how you feel, maybe a family member can.
Chrissy

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