force it or not?
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 03-15-2007 - 8:42am |
Weston (age 10, 5th grade, ASD) has given up all outside activities. He loves football but can't handle the coach yelling (he's shouting instructions not yelling at the child), he gave up basketball because of the bouncing and loudness of the gym (but then went to all Warren's games and was so up after his brother's tourney that he wants to play in that more competitive league next year), He tried a science class but couldn't stand going to school the extra hour, he quit the yo-yo club because watching the yo-yo made him sick, he quit the chess club because he didn't like people talking while he played (he LOVES chess and will play his sibs and DH for hours).
The only activity left is children's choir at church. The directors are educators w/ experience w/ ASD (a grandson w/ asd, son w/ significant ADHD and other issues and teaching experience w/ asd kids). They came to me and said Weston is having difficulty w/ doing the children's cantata that they'll be performing in 2 wks. How would I like them to handle it? so I talked to Weston and observed him. He keeps saying "it makes my head ache so much and all the music is so loud". He had a very bad experienc w/ stage fright last year (got sick and couldn't continue and didn't do his lines or finish singing). We decided he could just stand up there and sing-- wouldn't have to dance or do a part or anything except be on stage and sing. He's fighting us even on this. He's laying down on stage, won't sing, complains loudly to me that he's sick, walked off in the middle of rehearsal last night. He's at least communicating that he can't handle it, but I don't want him to stop doing the last social thing he has. He wants to stay home all the time. I don't want to push him into a behavioral episode (when pushed too far he'll have a very loud, kicking and screaming meltdown, which then leaves him in checked out mode for a couple of days) but I want him to learn to work through his discomfort and find that he CAN do these things.
Betsy

Betsy,
It sound like stage fright is his big thing, so if you can find a way to remove the stage part of it for him,
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Wish I could be of help but I had no ideas (though I like Paula's! There I go agreeing with her again! Great minds and all that)
Would you be able to discuss with him some problem solving, some things he may like to do?
With Cait she has done well with volunteering at REINS. It helps that animals are her special interest and they get differences there. She has really come out of her shell there and socializes with the other volunteers/staff and loves the kids. She also is really enjoying youth group. Both of these for her are way low pressure with lots of understanding folk. Sports are SOOOOO not her thing, lol.
With Mike we have pretty much had no luck in this arena. Put him into Special Olympics and it was a big relief for him but it is still weird because he can appear to be the highest functioning in our area. Most of the athletes are pretty significantly impaired or obvious (like down's syndrome) That great inbetween kid that doesn't fit anywhere.
Individual stuff like karate and swimming have for the most part worked out better. Though Karate last night was....well.....I was gonna post that one separate. However, it took 3 different tries before we found one where he was successful and then only because the instructors wife is disabled so he is usually more understanding.
Good luck.
Renee
Betsy,
I, too, have no good answers. But I want to reiterate that you're not alone! Alex will be 10 next month, and it's been a real struggle getting him involved in anything. He seems happiest playing in "his" basement playroom, drawing cars and maps, and reading his car magazines. I actually gave up on sports years ago (although, I would like him to try karate or tae kwon do - Renee, maybe you can advise on that!). He is involved in Cub Scouts (I didn't give him a choice three years ago, I just made it seem like a must-do, just like school). He does well there and I'm so thankful he has that. We have started going to a VERY small church near us (we just moved to our area a year and a half ago); they are very accepting of him, so he's gotten involved in their Sunday school and childrens' choir. We've had our moments of embarrassment in church, though. Fortunately, these people are SO understanding and caring.
Okay, I've blabbed on and on here. I just want you to know you're not alone. A part of me says not to push him too much. We have to remember that our special kids have special needs. That means sometimes following their schedules. (sometimes!!!...)
Laurie
Laurie
Dear Betsy,
I can relate to this, too. When Malcolm was younger, we had so much more success with him participating with group activities, but there have always been moments of difficulties. Now that he is 9, he is starting to dislike more and more ANY group activity where he does not have personal connections, close friends with whom he can SHARE the activity. And he still needs monitoring in case he gets in trouble, we just try to do it very unobtrusively. Now he has pulled out of lots of them. Also, as you all know, we pulled him from school and he has quite a battery of therapies, etc., AND is away from kids all day long, so all he wants to do afterschool is get together with his pals, NO organized activities during week right now except his social skills group. Which he loves.
We have Malcolm working on basketball with a coach one-on-one (or sometimes adding parents and/or ONE other friend). This keeps him physical and hopefully will help his skills if and when he is better able to tolerate group games. He CAN play pickup games with friends and parents, with help. We do Tae Kwondo with 2 other boys only, small group. Chess club was OK until his best friend quit. I am hoping I can arrange for Malcolm to do Little League again, he did so well last year, but with his 2 pals on the team having moved away ... I am looking to get him on a team up in the Bronx with another friend, crossing fingers.
The reasons you describe for Weston's quitting his other activities sound like they are all valid reasons at this point. Social situations are so very hard for our kids. But I always remember what a terrible time I had as a kid in group activities, and I am a reasonably sucessful adult now and can even play nicely in groups, even sports. Most days, that is. So there's hope.
Maybe he needs a break from these kinds of activities and in a few years, he'll be more mature and want to follow an interest again, try a club or a sport..
I would pick your battles. The church group sounds great. And Weston is in school, that's a social activity of sorts, if what you mean is opportunity to be in groups of kids? One-on-one or two or three is still the best way for our kids to actually make friends. Most group activities don't really provide opportunity to make friends, to really connect...
Sara
Victor is the same way. He will be 11 in Aug and just this year decided to give BMX a try. We thought it would be a great idea because even the kids that come in last place in tournaments get 1 point if they even compete. Another great thing about BMX is they can go to the track and just run the track without ever having to compete so therefore it takes out the anxiety factor. My girlfriend in Ky is going to look up horseback riding there and has already scouted out us a martial arts instructor who does have a degree in special education because he wanted to know more about how special needs kids think in order to teach them better. This plus Victor getting back with his best friend from up there I hope will bring him out of his shell.
Best advice I can give is to find something that is competitive yet solitary like swimming or BMX and give it a shot. (Least that's what the neurologist is telling me).
Alexis