Forcing playdates??

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Registered: 02-24-2004
Forcing playdates??
9
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 4:15pm

I'm just not real sure on this one. I have this mom I talk too. She has 2 boys too and they also go to the same school as my boys do. Her youngest is in kindy and also dx'd HFA. Nathan and this little boy also have their social skills class together.

She emailed me, wanting to get the kids together. I had suggested this last year, but she never said anything. She talks alot about setting up playdates for her son, so I assumed that she already had enough playdates for him.

Well, I told Nathan that C's mom wanted to bring him over to play...and wouldn't that be fun? He adamantly said, "NO!" I've discussed this with him a few times, but he still says no. He doesn't want anyone messing with his toys. He is completely content not having kids over to the house.

So, do I listen to Nathan and not have the playdate, or do I have this little boy come over anyway? His mom would definitely stay, and I'm sure she would bring her other son too (he's in 2nd grade).

I've spoken to some aspie adults, and they say not to push him. Social interaction is important to help gain the skills that he will need as an adult, but don't force interaction if he doesn't want too (such as playdates). I explained that he is just exhausted after being at school all day, around all those kids. That when he's not at school, he wants to relax..by himself. They said that this was totally understandable.

So ...what should I do?

michelle

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Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 5:16pm

Just curious -- is Nathan opposed to playing with this boy, or is he just opposed to having someone come over to his house? I know that Sylvia always tends to do better around other kids when we're at someone else's house, because she's not so possessive of the toys (and of her space). Perhaps you could suggest meeting at the other boy's house? Or in a completely neutral space, like the library or a museum or something like that?

Just a thought...

Jennifer

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Registered: 02-20-2001
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 7:26pm
What if you went to their house.

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 7:27pm

Jennifer,

Actually, he didn't want to go over to his house either! He never really minded so much when he was younger. Although, he was pretty spacey when he was younger! Things seem to bother him more these days, than they used too. Or it could be that now he's actually ABLE to speak his mind!!!

michelle

Avatar for betz67
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 8:07pm

I was going to suggest a neutral place as well. Weston does much better if we meet a friend at the park or at the pool or outside someplace. Then he doesn't have to be in a strange house, noone is coming into 'his' space and he gets to do something he likes (play at the park and swing or climb and slide, or play at McDonalds in the ball pit), and interaction isn't quite to intimidating.

I don't know about forcing it. Weston doesn't have many play dates and he's usually the one asking for them. (maybe once every 2 weeks or so).

Betsy

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 8:54pm

I would start small but still push it slowly helping him be more ok with his things being touched. It is likely one thing he is going to have to learn to deal with on some level. But I wouldn't make it too stressful.

Perhaps plan it so there is a definite schedule of activities and keep the time in the house short. Then perhaps take the date out to somewhere that Nathan has alot of success and is comfortable. I don't know how he does in places like McD's but if it is really reinforcing that can culminate the date (not that I am promoting McD's but you get the idea).

I would keep the first play date to things outside Nathans room. I would ask the other mom to explain to her son that it is upsetting to nathan to have his things touched and on the first trip they are going to do x,y and z.

Some possible activities are like 30 minutes of video games, or a game like candy land, Maybe watch a star wars clone wars episode (I know Nathan likes Star Wars). I know that isn't terribly interactive but it would be taking slow steps. What ever activities you think he would be successful at that don't involve his room or toys even if it is a parrallel activity. Be very welcoming to the boy yourself as you know Nathan may not be, and that will hopefully help the boy want to come back again. In other words, have the good snacks available. LOL.

Then after the set activities at home go to something preset like McD's or some other place where Nathan has good success. Perhaps even a movie together and then they separate after that outside event.

Then the next date you can plan at the friends house and then your house and slowly work it until he can take a group of treasured toys from his room for monitored play, etc.

You may never be able to let another child just have free reign of Nathan's room and that is ok. It should be his safe haven and the one place he can be himself and have his things safe, but he can learn to share some things in a controlled way. There are certain toys of Mike's that don't get shared with other friends that come over and I understand as he has had things broken by visitors in the past.

Renee

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 9:01pm

Also, do social stories with Nathan in advance and maybe even set up some sort of reinforcer for doing it.

Don't look at it as "fun" for nathan on this outing. It may take a while before friendships and playdates are fun. Look at it as a learning opportunity.

We don't have much opportunity for playdates for Mike typically. Mike does want them but he wants to be in charge or ignores the child when they are here. He doesn't have enough opportunity to really work on the skill as playdates are very very rare for him. Recently Mike started taking one "friend" with him to the therapist to work on play skills. When that boy comes here (which is fairly rare with our schedules) Mike tends to withdraw and The boy will play with Dave or the other kids. Mike will sometimes play with his BP brother though. It just isn't often enough to really make a difference but he is getting better working on it at the therapists office.

Renee

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Registered: 08-26-2005
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 1:46pm
Michelle,
We just started a playdate every monday morning with another child in E.I who shares the same speech therapist as Jake. To be honest I feel the same way as you because Jake tells me he really dosen't want to go and when I finally get around him to get him into the car he's fine when he gets there but he totally ignores the other child unless he's instructed what to say. One of the problems is that this kid is too low key for Jake because I noticed Jake response better to kids who have a lot of energy and enjoys games with lots of movement.Jake also does better when the other child takes the lead.What is Nathans play style when he does play with other kids?Do you think the other child is a good match for him?
Teresa
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Registered: 02-24-2004
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 4:25pm

I spoke with this little boy's mom today. Her son is a little anxious as well. I'm not sure if they're a good match or not. They both like Star Wars, but I'm not sure how well they will play together. She's talking to him, and I'll talk to Nathan some more. I'll see her tomorrow at school, so we'll probably come up with a date and time.

I think I'll probably just do as you all suggested.....take it slow, step by step. I won't know until I try it. I think you're right, Renee, about no one going into his room or touching certain toys. We do this with his younger cousins, when they come over. Nathan can't play games real well...he was doing ok, but isn't anymore! What he usually does, is stand around guarding things...while the other kids play!!

My biggest problem I think, is that so many kids that are Nathan's age....are just more active and talkative. Whether they are on the spectrum or not. He spends more time being nervous and worried. He reminds me of "Monk"!! LOL Worried about things getting broken, dirty, misplaced, etc....everyone's wrong, he's right! He really just doesn't seem to enjoy having kids around. He told me he's fine with adults, they're ok. LOL

Kids don't seem to bother him so much at school. Although, he's probably just "tolerating" them! LOL

Thanks for all your responses!

michelle

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Registered: 10-03-2004
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 9:41pm

Well, Malcolm had to be taught how to have playdates, and even now there are times when I step in and redirect. I agree with everyone that you should take it slow. But I also do feel that Nathan's natural boundaries could be a little "pushed" gradually, over time and with great care and respect. Malcolm does very well on one-on-one playdates and now on bigger playdates where he really knows all the kids, but it has taken 5 years of training and practise and there is always a ways more to go. He loves playdates, but that doesn't extend to children he doesn't know and/or is not comfortable with.

Outside activities have been a great way to start playdates and new friendships, such as going to see movies, playground, mini-golf, bike riding, iceskating, swimming, zoos, museums with interactive exhibits VERY popular in NYC, then out for a treat. Going to other kid's houses is also a treat for Malcolm, as he loves to see how others live. I think if this were me, I would big-time bribe Nathan if he doesn't want to go. Allow the kids to parallel play with enjoyable activities alongside both you moms. What does he LOVE to do? ... do that with the kid and mom. Don't assume he is going to enjoy it at first, but approach this more like taking medicine, regular exercise or brushing teeth at first, necessary for well-being and must be practised and gotten used to!

Our constant playdates (sometimes 3 or 4 a weekend!) have sometimes been very hard work for Mom, esp. when with a new kid, but the outcome is that Malcolm has become very good at playdates and craves them now! His friends are very important to him, in some ways even more than his dad and me...

Sara
ilovemalcolm