Foster Son with Aspergers

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Foster Son with Aspergers
6
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 1:56pm

We have a foster son with Aspergers, ADHD and an anxiety disorder. He moved in with us in August and we have had our ups and downs. I completely immersed myself in learning about the disorder. Books, web-sites, support groups, conferences. I was confident that I would be able to connect with his and be his mom.

However, our foster son (8 years old) exhibits violent and destructive behavior. Nothing I have read really explains this and I am concerned about him, the safety of the other children in the house and the future. I have read about a disorder that is sometimes associated with Asperger children, ODD. And that seems to explain it, but I can’t get the doctor to call me back to discuss it.

He has threaten to kill his brothers, who also live with us. And not just saying he is going to kill them, but describing in detail how. “I am going to kill him by taking a knife, stabbing him in the heart, twisting the knife until his heart breaks and dies.” For his other brother he said he was going to bang his head against the wall over and over again until his brothers brains ooze out of his head. Two days later, he took that brother (age 5) and banged his head against an end table.

Friday he got angry at me for punishing him ( a time-out) for mis-behavior. He said very straight forward “Well, I guess I am going to have destroy your house then.” I talked to him about it, why that was hurtful and wrong. I thought we were good. Last night when he was taking a shower, he took the shower curtain out of the tub and ran the shower for 30 minutes causing a flood in the room and some damage to the floor, wall and the ceiling on a lower floor.

He has strangled, hit, kick, bit, pulled hair, pinched other kids. Mostly his siblings but sometimes other children at school or the Boys and Girls Club. He has tried to hurt himself by banging his head against glass, walls, and brick. He has destroyed several items in the house. His own possessions, his siblings toys, our items. Examples include writing with permanent marker on my kitchen table, breaking my daughters necklace, ripping holes in a new blanket we had bought for him, ripping a ball apart that belonged to my son.

He has lied to his Dad and authorities about things we have done. Once he told everyone that we put pepper on his mouth as punishment. When I asked him why he said we had done that, when we hadn’t, his response was “Well you could have.”

We are almost at the end of our rope in dealing with him. This was suppose to be a pre-adoptive placement, but we are now concerned for the safety of the other children in the house, we have 2 bio children, foster son and his 3 siblings. We our so torn because we feel like we made a commitment to this sibling group, but we just don’t know what to do. We’re almost ready to ask for him to be removed. I have tried to take into consideration that he has been through a lot in his life. He was removed from his home for physical abuse, neglect and emotional abuse. His father has threatened to kill him, so there is definitely a source for his anger. But he has been with us for almost six months (out of Dad's house for 2 years) and the violence just doesn’t go away. He has gotten better – but every time I think we have broken through to him – he pulls something else. Any advice would be welcome! We want to make this work – but right now I don’t see how…

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2005
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 2:15pm

((((Hey))) excuse the lower case, i am one handed today.


first of all many asd and aspies can be aggessive although many are not.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 5:12pm

I agree with Dee.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 5:19pm

Welcome to the group.

You and your son have been through a lot. Are you guys in any therapy for the anxiety or for the Asperger's? Does he have supports in place at school? When my son is stressed out he can become destructive or self abusive. Let us know what your doing now and then we can give you idea's of other things to try. Hang in there.

Samantha

Samantha
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 11:59pm

Welcome to the board.


You've gotten some great advice from people who know more about that than I do, but I wanted to offer my best welcome to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 8:42am

Thanks for all of the advice!

After 2 weeks - I spoke to the doctors assistant, so at least the ball is rolling. They were unaware of the entire history. It seems that Dad had been at the first appointment with the previous foster mom and had presented a very one-sided story. In addition, they have notes of psychiatric disorders in the family ��� which DCYF never told us about.

I updated them on what I knew and they will consult among themselves and get back to me. Although the assistant couldn’t make any commitments, she thinks they will recommend a full psych-evaluation. I mentioned the ODD and the Bi-Polar, but emphasized, I don’t know what it is – BUT SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT!

Thank God! I finally feel like someone is listening and it is being addressed. Funny part – he was perfectly well behaved yesterday. No issues. And this is how it is normally. But when he gets bad – it’s not just a little bad it’s horrendous.

We have such a long road ahead of us on him. We were wondering if we should hide or lock up all the knives and other items that could be used as a weapon. How have people handled this kind of violence? We just don’t want to have an issue and then say “oops, we should have done that.” My husband is still over the edge on this. He is very concerned about everyone’s safety. He would like to ask for FS to be removed. I feel like this would devastate him. I understand DH point – but I think it would be a final blow to FS. Ugh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 10:53am

Hi,

I can't give you anymore advice than you have gottten. It is a long road. I have a son with significant behavior issues related to his ASD as well. He does not have a mood disorder and medication did not work for him but he is much better than he was in 2nd and 3rd grade. It is a slow process using diet, supplements and behavioral techniques.

I do know that about 21% of kids with ASD also have a comorbid mood disorder and do respond to medication. My son is an inigma in that regard so you have a good chance. I commend you for your continued effort. It is hard when this kind of landed on you and you didn't have the whole infancy to kind of grow into it.

However, one thing I did want to comment on and I want you to tell your husband this as well. Not only will having him removed devastate the child with AS, think what it will do to his biological sibs and even your own sibs. In particular I think it is highly possible that if their bio brother is removed the message will be sent to them that if they are bad they will be removed. That your house will no longer be a permanent or even totally safe place.

Just a thought to consider. They may be getting some tough behavior now but the way you deal with it and your behavior will have a huge affect on how it affects them. If they realize that the child has a significant disability and it is taking him longer than other kids to learn appropriate behavior but you are all trying, then that will go a really long way.

And yes, lock up the knives. I have a friend wiht a severe BP son and she has woken up to him over them with a knife when he was as little as 3-4yo. He is much better now but just incase he hits a bad cycle they still have thier knives locked up. Better safe than sorry if it is an issue at all.

Mine aren't locked because son never puts that much forthought into aggression. His rule-ness takes over and hurting someone on purpose is WRONG! His agression is fight or flight. No thought involved.

Renee

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