Frustrated

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Frustrated
10
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 9:54am

I am so tired of fighting with the school and getting no where and then my son falling apart. I was told in Sept by his teacher he was ODD not PDD, yes I know he can be very controling and defiant and the whole 9 yards but we have decided those are tendencies but of course being a teacher for 25yrs and having a dad a dr and a sister a psych she knows more than me. I called an IEP meeting and his advocate set up an observation but of course the teacher knowing people are going to be watching changed something and don't get me wrong he is doing well now for the last couple weeks but everyone did not get to see the regular behavior. Had the IEP progress meeting tues and teacher lied threw her teeth and said he is doing wonderfully, no problems whatso ever and if I would take inititive he would be potty trained. Everyone said how "typical" he is in his behavior dismissing all his SID issues and oppositional issues except me. Basically nothing got accomplished except the teacher sending a note home every day now saying he was dry and got his work done, set up very condesendingly but I don't care. He has his 3 year re eval IEP meeting on Nov 15th so basically he will get dropped since everyone but me says he is doing well. His IEP right now is under DD and he will be 6 on Nov 23. On to the last 2 days. Yesterday he didn't want to go to school, new thing for him as he has always loved school and was reluctant to walk himself to class really looked for reassurance. According to teacher did well(like I can almost believe her), but whatever. Today he said again he wasn't going, I like normal walked him to the door with alot of physical redirection and told him to go to class. He stepped inside the door and wouldn't move. Whenever I walked away he fell to the ground and started sobbing. I finally gave in and went into the school and basically had to drag him to his classroom door. I motioned for the teacher to come out of class and had to hand him off in the doorway with him dragging his feet basically having to be dragged/pushed into class fighting the teacher. She says come on Noah you had such a good day yesterday don't do this for you mom. Basically saying he is doing it because of me. He did this almost every day last year in preK but taht was normal then to according to them. I am just so frustrated and tired of fighting and getting nowhere and tired of watching this child go down the tubes socially/emotionally. Thankfully he is above his class(reg ed) or at the top of his class acedemically so he isn't even being challenged yet. I am seriously considering pulling him out of school if they drop his IEP in a few weeks which is very likely. K is not mandatory in IL and I don't know how much more I can watch this child take plus I can homeschool K if nothing else. Calling his advocate is a waste of time because she thought the progress meeting went well which is a bunch of bull and still hasn't returned my call from tuesday afternoon after the meeting. Any advice would be appreciated, but basically thanks for letting me vent to people who understand.

Jenny and Noah(almost 6 diagnosed PDD-NOS this march)in northern IL

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
In reply to: arichmykal
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 10:19am

Jenny,

I'm sorry things are going badly. I'd suggest heading over to the IEP board. Steph has helped me so much. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppiep
What I've learned working with the school is to document everything in writing.

Samantha

Samantha
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
In reply to: arichmykal
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 10:30am

Jenny,

Welsome to the board and ((((((hugs))))))) to you. This must be so difficult for you. I had a similar situation happen in K. My son was in a special ed class, and meing moved to another special ed class in his home school. I sat at a table surrounded by about 12 professionals, all of who said my boy was doing Mahhhh-vellously, and yet he was coming completely unglued at home.

Two things which helped me:

1. Magic word: regression. I brought the whole party to a standstill with one question: "Why has he regressed in the past year?"

2. I was lucky. I was able to *prove* the regression to them using their own paperwork. On his quarterly report cards, they have sections for behaviour/classroom functioning type stuff. For the first quarter, he got mostly 3s (good) or 4s (great) and the following quarters, his markings were 1s, 2s, and 3s. So they couldn't then look me in the eye and tell me they noticed "no change" at school.

I know it is early in the year, and you may not have that documentation yet, but is there any notebook or notes you have kept, which may prove this, or is that teacher too wily for that?

You mentioned his 3yr eval is upcoming. Do you mean his Triennial evaluation, per IDEA? I thought the Triennials weren't until 2nd grade: i.e. the third year in school. Find out from your advocate if this is legal (and are you *paying* that advocate? If so, save your money. She sounds rubbish). WHat kind of evaluation did they do for his K placement?

You may want to check out the Special Education board for more advice. I think your district is out of compliance here, but I don't know enough to say for sure.

HTH and Good luck.

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: arichmykal
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 10:43am

Yes it is his trienniel(sp?) I am pretty sure because it is the 3rd yr of his IEP. He got it at the age of 3 so they have to do reevals now. There was NO testing for K. We had an IEP meeting and everyone said he was fine and the only reason they gave him teh IEP meeting at 3 was to make mom feel better. He only aged out of EI getting alot of services which were documented via reports. Yes I am writing everything down in a notebook. I ask him how his day was good and bad. He tells me if he has a tantrum or had to sit out or missed centers so I write that down. I also right down if he had a good day so they cannot say I am only focusing on the bad. I had a report from his private child psychiatrist and social worker documenting his diagnoses, what criteria he meets for his diagnosis and the goals they have for him in play therapy. I had documentation from a behavioral psychologist of his behaviors and he is at risk for a LD due to test scores and probably has an auditory processing disorder. I had documentation from his private OT stating how much of a sensory kid he is and how delayed he is fine motor wise. They told me all of this was parental heresay, that basically I made them say it. They are however taking the behavioral psychologists report he is doing in the next couple of weeks and using it in his reeval instead of the school psych doing her own. No I am not paying the advocate thankfully but we have very limited options for advocacy here. I cannot even imagine what is going to happen if/when they drop his IEP in a few weeks. Yes I think he belongs mainstreamed because he is intellegent as I know most of these kids are but he does need some assistence even if that is stupid little things or a classroom aide vs a 1 on 1 aide. I don't really know anymore but I am tired of the kid getting the crap end of the deal. I have a 9yo and a 2yo who are NT so they cannot say it is me plus my 9yo had the same K teacher. Thanks for you help.

Jenny and Noah

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
In reply to: arichmykal
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 11:21am

Hmm.

Both my kids have IEPS and both have been in the school system since 3yo (they are both on the spectrum), but my SD does things very differently.

For entry into K, both had evaluations and full IEP meetings to go over findings from SLP, OTs, school peychs (my DS was in a special preschool, DD was not). Then K was counted as year 1, even though they had already been in the SD for two years. I guess my districts draws a big division between preschool and *school* and yours does not. Also the triennial (HTH do you spell it anyway?) would never be preformed this early in the school year. It goes school year -shcool year, so DS (2nd grade) will start his testing in the Spring. DD (K, mainstreamed with an aide and other supports) is just on year 1, but is still being screened and by the teachers, SLP OT and PT, along with all of the kids to ensure her plan is correct and working for her.

Your district sounds all wrong to me. I cannot believe it is legal to do this testing *now*. Check the special ed board. Also wrightslaw dot com or ideapractices dot org. If they try to remove his IEP, you can fight it, but I know you don't want to get to that point.

You may want to think about finding a lawyer, too.

((((hugs))))

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: arichmykal
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 11:26am

Thanks, I think our school district is backwards also. I do have the name of a lawyer who actually used to be a sped teacher saw all the crap so went to law school. I have not contacted her yet because of the cost but know it is a very legitamate option. thanks

Jenny and Noah

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
In reply to: arichmykal
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 4:10pm

Actually, I'm in central Illinois and I did pull my oldest out of his "second" year of kingergarten. We were in the process of getting him Dx'd when it came time to decide whether to advance him to 1st or make him repeat K. Although academically he was extremely successful, the school insisted he was "immature". My question was, what are you going to do when the rest of the class is learning things he already knows? The response I got was, "Well he can always sit and read quitely." That was the red flag that caused me to make my decision...and it was the best decision I ever made. It gave me the chance to personally figure out what worked for Noah and what didn't- then I was able to "arm" his 1st grade teacher(s) with great information about how to handle DS's Dx. I should note, however, that this took place in a very small town, where nobody had ever heard of Asperger's Syndrome or PDD-NOS. We've sinced moved.

My initial reaction to your post is that you're obviously very upset, and feel as if the school district/teacher/advocate are out to "get you"- and while I can understand your feeling that way, I highly doubt that is the case. Even if it were the case, the best thing you can do is keep your cool and see what the next few weeks bring. Your son, no doubt, senses that you're upset- and that's not going to help your situation.

The first thing I would do is to return to whoever it was that provided the PDD-NOS diagnosis and seek advice for the situation. You obviously aren't comfortable with the support you're getting from the advocate, so maybe you need to look into finding somebody else.

Legally, they can't just "drop" your child's IEP- it's not as simple as that. Even if they tried, you can go to mediation. The fact that he's not potty trained is, in and of itself, a delay. (On a side note- our youngest daughter is currently in K and she didn't potty train until this past summer. Her problem was an extreme fear of the toilet and the associated noises. She went to K wearing Pull-Ups. She still won't go in public restrooms.)

Are you familiar with any of the state wide autism services? I know that Illinois is way behind the times when it comes to treating autism, but you might be able to get some help from the Autism Society of Illinois.

Good Luck~

Amy W.

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
In reply to: arichmykal
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 4:24pm

More questions...sorry.

I'm in what is documented to be one of the worst school districts in the state. (We don't even HAVE advocates in this area.) Where are you? You said "Northern Illinois" but it must be an extremely small town. I know for a fact that the Chicago and Chicago Burb districts have relatively good programs (relative for the state of Illinois, I should say).

Legally, you can have anybody you want attend an IEP, so if you need to bring in the outside service people, do it. OT, psych., anybody you want. We've done it and there's not a darn thing the school district can do about it. (You just have to inform them ahead of time who will be attending with you.)

We were so disappointed in our home school that we recently had all three of our kids moved to a different school. In fact, it's an Edison school (not managed by the district). Is this an option for you? The change has been remarkable for our entire family.

Also, they shouldn't have classified it as an IEP when he was in Early Intervention. Early Intervention is a completely separate program. Both of my "spectrum kiddos" (and this is in two different districts) started their actual IEP's when they were starting K.

Amy W.




Edited 10/21/2005 4:26 pm ET by manec93

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: arichmykal
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 7:58pm

I am sorry. This is so frustrating.

I wanted to respond to this all day but everytime I sat down something else came up.

I just wanted to say my dd went through the same thing around that age particularly, right down to the triennial. I hope I have learned a bit from past mistakes and hope I can help. However, again I have to run. I will try to respond again later when the kids are in bed.

Renee

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
In reply to: arichmykal
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 9:10pm

Dearest Jenny,

Whoa! That is just awful, and I am completely with you on not letting your child suffer. I am glad you are documenting, have you run by the IEP board here at iVillage for a thorough lesson from Steph on how to document and fight your school district?

I agree that you should consider homeschooling for awhile. But that should not mean you stop fighting! The only problem is, this school may be one where you should NOT send your child under any circumstances... Maybe there is a different school choice where you can work with the staff better? I also agree that you really may need to contact that lawyer, as soon as the school district thinks you may really fight them, they may start changing their tune. Maybe a letter or 2 from a lawyer will be enough, you never know...

This teacher is a real problem, willing to let your son go down for being "right", by the sound of it. Maybe your child will have a better teacher next year, but waiting until your son comes completely unglued so you can prove to school district that he needs supports for SID, other issues, is not something that any parent would ever be able to do intentionally, I can't believe. The pain our children go through when confused and out of their element is just too painful to be born.

I can't speak from experience here, as others on this board can and have. We have never had the option of mainstreaming, with an out-of-control school district with poor services providers, overcrowding, etc. so we have always had our son in private schools (paid for by the school district). All I know is that when our children are in hell, they must be taken out, or hell must be changed!!! It is not alright for our children to be educated in a place that at best they can maybe tolerate!!!

yours,

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: arichmykal
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 9:48pm

What really bothered me about your post is his refusing to go to school because that happened to us.

His behavior is communicating with you. The teachers may not want to hear the communication, but you still can. Cait to began to refuse to go to school. Her teachermade comments about it being all my fault. If only she had consistency at home. It got so bad that one day Cait had to be physically escorted into school by the asst. principal and the couselor. That was the end. After that I kept her home and told them we were never doing that again. It was near the end of the year so I homeschooled her but hindsight 20/20 I would have switched classes earlier and not tried to work with this woman.

Also, Cait had also made significant progress and they tested her as not needing an IEP. That was at the end of Kindie and before this big fiasco. She actually was put back on an IEP during this fiasco. Again, hindsight 20/20 I wouldn't have let her go off and IEP. There are things you can do to go about that.

For us, Cait had a lot of scatter with some really low scores and some really high scores. As such they averaged out to be within normal limits. I would have fought harder with those lower scores.

I also would likely have asked for an IEE (Independent educational assessment) As well as documenting all the signs of stress he is having around school. That shows that he is not successful in school even if they are not seeing it.

Last, this is what we are doing for Cait now, per our therapist. Stop trying so hard to fix it for him and make him successful. Let him fail. I am betting you are doing loads of things for him to make sure everything goes ok in school. Mostly so it is better for him and some so that you don't look like the bad parent. That is what I did. For instance, making him go to school. Perhaps even big fights over homework? packing his bag for him, etc. We do it because our kids can't. BUt what happens is that we are doing so much for them that the school never sees the need and they arent going to unless the child unfortunately fails. Do regular parent stuff. Don't move mountains to try to make things work out for him.

This is an issue with Cait. Take her spelling. A's up to 2 weeks ago because she spells well. I helped with homework. I repacked her binder with the spelling in the right folder, etc. Well, I have backed off the last 2 weeks and suddenly she is not turning in her homework and got strikes and F's on homework (that was done and in backpack but not turned in). SUDDENLY she needs help with organizational skills. It doesn't matter that I have been saying forever that she does. Now they see it.

Oh, and ditto what everyone else said.

Renee

Photobucket