Furious!!!!!!!
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Furious!!!!!!!
| Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:00pm |
Hi all, Sorry I haven't been around much lately but I'm up tp my eyes right now with moving stuff. I just had to come here to vent. DH has been seeing a therapist for a while now and had a session yesterday. When I asked how it went I was shocked to hear him say they had talked about Jake and his diagnosis because DH has never brought this issue up to his therapist before. I took this to mean that DH was finally ready to start coming to terms with it all. I was WRONG! He proceeded to tell me that his therapist suggested to him that because I am so worried about Jakes future and openly discuss it that it sounded a lot like munchousen bi proxy(spelled wrong I know). Is this guy for real?????Yeah sure this is all for some kind of attention. Give me a break! He said that because Jake was affectionate and intelligent he doubted the diagnosis and would bring him to another hospital to have him reevaluated by a hospital who had nothing monetary to gain!!! Shows how much he knows about Autism!!!! My DH continues to believe everything is honky dorey and quite frankly I am sick to death of giving him time to come to terms with it.Who gave me time to come to terms with it? I could probably have learned to deal with the fact I'm doing this on my own but listening to my DH describe his session makes me realize he will never come to terms with it and worse still thinks this is just something I have made up. Talk about Denial. I honestly can't see my marriage working if his attitude continues to stay the same.I've looked for books for dads with autistic children but couldn't find one that dealt with denial. Have any of you had similar experiences with your DH's?
Teresa
Teresa

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I'm really sorry you're going through all of that. We have just started on our diagnostic journey but I can tell you that I'm not enjoying things with my DH either. Only difference is that he isn't denying the problem. He just refuses to get involved period. So like you, I'm finding myself handling it all on my own and I don't like how that feels.
I hope your dh will come around so that things will be easier on you.
Mom to Erin (19) and Haley (10yo Asp
I would be furious too. I would have it out with DH and tell him that this guy can't even suggest a diagnosis for you or Jake without ever meeting you.
There are tons and tons of things out there about autism and about kids with autism being affectionate but the fact of the matter is that if he has to accept this and we all choose what we want to accept.
I would sit him down and tell him that regardless of whether or not he is willing to accept Jake's differences you need his support as his wife. I would insist that he start coming to appointments with Jake and IEP meetings so he can see what the professionals who work with and see Jake on a regular basis say of him. That if he isn't invested enough to at least make the effort to see what is going on with Jake then he shouldn't be making judgements based on the information he has. If he can't come to terms and accept the autism diagnosis then he needs to find another way to be supportive.
Did he ACTUALLY BELIEVE THE MUNCHOUSINS?????? Do you know how many parents have had to deal with that oppinion by idiots. I can't ever imagine having my own husband believing it. I swear I think I would tell him to crap or get off the pot. Either get on board and help me out or get the hell out. Ok, that might be extreme but I am PISSED for you. My husband has said and done some pretty crappy things but this takes the cake.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr
If I am not mistaken Jake is on an IEP right? So it isn't just the hospital with a financial interest right? Oh, and this therapist, doesn't he have a financial interest? How is it any different how the therapist treats your DH and how the hospital evaluated Jake. All of them have a financial interest. They are infact paid for thier services.
Ok, I am going to stop joining your rant now. Tell you husband for me that he is being an idiot.
Renee
I am sorry you have to go through this. It is hard enough to deal with autism and then not to have the help of your dh-- in fact to have the opposite of help. Obviously the therapist is very messed up and hopefully he won't mess up your dh!
I knew from the time my AS ds was 18 months that there was something off, and by the time he was 2.5 I was having real concerns. Dh never listened until ds was about 5 and the preschool teacher recommended that ds is seen by a doc before K. We didn't get a dx until ds was 7, so I worry about all the time we wasted by dh and my family and friends not listening to me. Dh even told me that it wasn't my son-- it was that I couldn't handle being a mother. Then after the dx, dh could hardly believe that offspring of his could have such a dx. Why is it so hard for men to deal with these issues? I think that women want to nuture and help and men want to fix--- and when it is something they can't fix they deny there is a problem.
Sending you best wishes-- K.
Dear Teresa,
I am so sorry to hear this. I just also want to say, that yes the therapist is way out of line, but he is only responding to what your husband is giving him in information, and your dh is WAY in denial. But that is no excuse for the therapist to say such things as to suggest Munchausen (ridiculous!) and going for another dx. WHAT?!?!?!?!?
Does your dh ever spend any time with Jake in public by himself? Do you handle everything? I might start arranging a lot of excursions for the 2 of them to take together for a little potential eye-opening...
Anyways, (((((HUGS))))) to you. My dh is only in mild denial about the possibility that HE might have an ASD dx, should he be thoroughly evaluated. I still am in charge of making all arrangements, though. But that's my job is this family anyways, and frankly I am the only one who is any good at it!!!
I'm trying to think what I would do if I were in your shoes, and I think the big talking to would definitely happen, also I would maybe demand marriage counceling as well if he has any interest in staying married. Sending you more ((((HUGS)))). I sure know what it is like to want to do something sorta violent to your dh LOL...
yours,
Sara
Teresa,
I am outraged on your behalf. And actually, I know how you feel to an extent. I have had a similar experience, but not related to Autism. I don't want to post it here (some things actually are off limits; -believe it or not!) Is your e-mail addy still the same?
I think the hardest thing to handle in a situation like that is the sense of betrayal. That someone you have loved and lived with and who should know you so well would actually *think* something like that of you! It is the hardest kick in the teeth. Even worse than the unprofessionalism of the ufásach slibhín therapist amadach (sorry Americans -it's way more eloquent in Irish).
I agree with Renee. I think you need to sit your DH down and point out how illogical and hurtful is that whole scenario. I also agree with Sara. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms to start researching and boning up on this stuff. He needs to talk to the professionals people who deal with *Jake*, and start taking more of an active part in his child's life and education.
(((((hugs)))))
I will e-mail you.
-Paula
OK it's 45 mins later and I DID e-mail you.
-P (who had better do some actual work now...)
Edited 6/2/2006 8:29 am ET by specialmomx2
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
OMG! I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. What a quack!!
We are still in the "getting a dx process", so I don't know if my 2 cents will be helpful at all or not.
I agree with everyone's input. There are so many possibilities as to why your dh is in denial, but I haven't seen anyone post anything similar to why my hubby was in denial. So....here's another thought. Forgive the story telling here, but I think that is the best way to get the picture of hubby's denial across.
We recently had Josh's initial behavioral psych appt. My dh had, in my opinion, been fighting me the whole way with "he is fine" etc. Dh went with us to the appt (which was about an hour and a half) and after the psych spent 45 mins alone with Josh (while we were filling out the lovely questionairres, and after we expressed our concerns to the Dr.) we were brought back into his office while Josh waited outside. It would be soon that I understood why my husband was in denial and still won't talk about it.
The Doctor immediatley said "I'm sure you know your son is VERY verbal" (we laughed...uh...ya think) and then said "I would like him to come back for extensive evaluations because he does show some classic signs of Asperger's". It was then that the missing piece of the puzzle was found. My husband pre-empted by saying "my wife doesn't think I see what she sees, but I do. I just don't want someone to give him a pill and say it will fix him." We assured dh that that wasn't why we were there. He then continued to say "I just don't want Josh to have the same problems that I had growing up and in school".
WHAT! Rewind please! The Dr. just calmly said "tell me more". I was stunned.
Long story short, and in my husbands words......"I see me in Josh, a lot".
I don't know your dh or your son, but for mine it was the simple thought that if there is something "wrong" with his son then that means that there is something "wrong" with him. Enter...denial, not wanting to talk about it, trying to find a different answer etc.
I hope that something someone has posted here will help you with your dh.
Lots of hugs,
Heather mom to Josh (6 still getting dx) and Justin (2 nt)
((((((Teresa))))) A therapist who would say something like that abotu a child he has NEVER met sounds very unethical!!!!
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OMG Teresa, I'm furious for you. That therapist sounds like a complete idiot and I'd like to wring his neck. Your dh too for that matter. I'm so sorry.
Samantha
Teresa,
I'm just sending some cyber (((HUGS))). I'm just so upset that a therapist would say such things about you and your son! therapy is not supposed to push your DH further away! it's supposed to work through what's going on w/ him to HELP in his relationships!
It took a lot of time for my DH to come around to Weston's Dx. We didn't get a definiative Dx until he was 8. I think in some ways it was easier to get bits and pieces at a time and then finally settle on the HFA Dx, because it gave him lots of time to read up on ASDs and for me to work on the IEP. I think it also helped him to understand that having a Dx made getting help for our son easier. W/ good therapy our son is EXCELLING and that's what we all want regardless of the Dx.
Betsy
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