Good/Bad Choice
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| Thu, 09-06-2007 - 12:34pm |
At my son's school the teacher uses the terms "good choice" and "bad choice." He is in kinder. He has been having a really hard time in school and most of the time comes home saying " I made bad choices." About half the time he doesn't really know what he did though.
Anyway so since then he now spends all day asking me if EVERYTHING he does is a "good choice" or "bad choice." Like "moms is it a good choice or bad choice to put on my shoes ? " Its seems like he spends so much time asking and then if I say "bad choice," he will ask "why not," ( instead of "why" LOL) and then I try to explain, but then we just go in a circle so to speak and don't really get anywhere.
He seems so focused on the whole thing.
And then with school, he still makes what the teacher calls "bad choices." Also like yesterday when I asked him what the bad choice he made at school was,he said "hugging matt." I felt kinda sad. I mean he is very affectionate, but he does not know the whole social cues of "personal space." He just views it as trying to be friends, but he probably was all over the kid, up in his face. So I guess the teacher must have said something.
I just don't really know if the whole good/bad choice is good for him or not ? I feel sorta bad, like he is unsure of anything he does now and how he asks me all day if everything he does is ok. Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way though.
I don't know so I guess my question is can anyone relate ? Is that an aspie thing ? A 5 year old thing ?
I apologize if my post is a little "all over the place." I have so much on my mind and its hard for me to get out on paper. BTW we are just starting the whole process to an IEP. We have our child team meeting on Tuesday.
Thanks
Janine


Hi Janine,
My ds is the same way. He is 5 just started kindy too. He is very affectionate. While holding hands with other kids he kisses their hands. He hugs too and gets in others personal space. The personal space issue is in his IEP. The speech therapist is supposed to work with his pragmatic speech in a group. They remind him to keep a bubble between himself and others.
We started kindy last Wednesday. He was so happy and excited to start. Now this week he doesn't want to go:( He tells me the teacher makes him do too much:( I'm bummed.
Molly
Hey ccmommyforever,
I'm with you with the good/bad choice issue. My son is also 5 and in Kinder & he is also extremely affectionate. Therefore, we get the notes home stating "XXXXX had a hard time keeping his hands/feet to himself." What don't you call the school and schedule a conference with the teacher and just let her know your concerns with the terminology. Maybe you can come up with some other phrase, verbal cue or nonverbal cue,that will serve the same purpose but not make your son question every decision he makes. Is she aware of his AU? Has she had any training in working with special needs kids? I took the initiative before the school year started and met with the teacher and principal to discuss my son's condition. Thankfully, both have worked with PDD kiddos before but I wanted to let them know what my son's particular quirks are before he gets reprimanded in front of his peers. So far, only 2 major incidences have been reported to me. Also, I am in daily contact with his teacher., Not obtrusive but "Anything special/serious I need to be made aware of?" Even with this, I still say a (long) prayer before I drop him off @ school each morning.
Janine,
I can see where the teacher is coming from with this, but I can also see how it could confuse any 5yo.
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You know, our school does this good choice/bad choice cr*p too and it makes me batty! Yes, I understand the theory behind the language (wanting the child to learn that the choice was good or bad, but that the he or she is not bad for making the choice) but I really think it's asking a lot of the younger students, and the older students are savvy enough to read right through it!
I'd discuss it with his teacher, bring it up in the IEP and just tell that while you understand the methodology it's causing your child to be anxious all the time and, at the end of the day, he's still not able to tell you what actually constitutes a good choice vs. bad choice.
Hang in there. I can't promise that it'll get better, but the deeper you get into this world, the more you'll learn, and the better equipped you'll be.
Amy
Blech! I like the concept of helping children identify choices, but I severely dislike the term "bad choice." IMHO children hear "bad choice" as "bad child." I especially don't like hearing "bad choice" in relation to things like hugging a child. It is not bad to hug other children. It might not have been what the other child liked, but that doesn't mean it's bad to hug.
It also sounds like the teacher doesn't help explain WHY choices are good or bad. If a child doesn't know WHY a choice is good or bad, how are they supposed to learn how to make correct choices? No wonder your poor guy is confused and worried. I'm sure it all seems so arbitrary to him.
You might explain to the teacher that the phrase "bad choice" is making your ds anxious since he's hearing "bad child" and doesn't know what/why/how to make a different choice. You might explain that your ds needs concrete rules like "we only hug children who want to be hugged; first ask if the other child wants a hug" rather than saying "bad choice" which he sees as arbitrary and confusing. Does the teacher already know that your ds has a dx and is getting an IEP in place? (I'd put avoidance of the phrase "bad choice" in the IEP!)
A little update on what happend with hugging the boy. I got a different story from the teachers. They say Chad was repeating the rules to another child loudly, but they said the odd thing was they were at group time, but he was repeating the rules for "study centers," or whatever it is called. Chad told me the "bad choice" was hugging the boy. So now I am confused. He is very good at remembering things accurately. I am wodnering if they are talking about two different situations, but Chad does't realize he was being bad then, he just remembers hugging the boy and that, that was a "bad choice."
I told the teachers that to me it would not seem unusual for a child with Aspergers to be focused on rules and repeat them at another time( echolalia). They were puzzled by his behavior and had no idea why he would do that. I was kinda pissed because I had already given them paperwork describing Aspie traits.
Ok sorry if this was a little confusing, I am a bit confused myself, since I was not there.
Either way to me it shows he doesn't understand when he does something "bad" socially, so they need to take another approach or he is going to start thinking he is a BAD KID. Does that make sense ?
Thank you everyone for your previous responses. I really appreciate it. :)