Great services, but the boy won't go
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 07-21-2005 - 6:04pm |
Oh, what to do, what to do.
For the 2nd or 3rd time in a row we have come up with a great idea for Mike through regional center that he qualifies for. And for the 2nd or 3rd time in a row, even the thought of going raises his anxiety level attrotiously and we never even start.
Last time is was a social skills program and this time it is a camp kind of thing.
Mike got approved for out of home respite at this place that would be like going to camp. But he won't even go down with me to observe. Everytime I mention it he gets very anxious, angry and just flat out refuses. I could coerce him to get there, but I know the instant anyone there started to talk to him he would say awful things and possibly melt down. It would take melting down a few times, then if it was a good place and he liked it he would go.
Thing is, I hate doing it. I hate the behavior and other people seeing that. I hate pushing him to meltdown. Plus if it is stressful at all or he ends up with Staff that are less than understanding, then it could backfire and do more harm than good. Although this is a place that specializes in special needs kids, sometimes they are even worse at understanding Mike. Because to some of them he doesn't "look" special needs enough they consider the behavior just being bad.
So my decision is do we nix yet another service that may be a good thing in the long run or push it.
Grrr, I hate decisions.
Renee


Renee,
I think you have to do the best you can, and our best varies. Sometimes you have the energy for a battle that might have a productive result and other times you are too battle weary. Think about where you are right now. If you can summon the strength and energy to help your son through it, then it will probably be beneficial to him. But if you can't take it on right now, you shouldn't feel guilty. Your best is all you can do. You have to keep the health/sanity of the whole family in mind.
Chrissy
So my decision is do we nix yet another service that may be a good thing in the long run or push it.
I understand what a tough decision that is.
Pat
Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response. --
You are right Pat. That is usually how I make my decision on it.
This was mostly for Mike's benefit. As a matter of fact I think the reason I am really holding back to is I don't want to send him for my own reasons. I am funny about my kids. I hate when they go back to school in the fall. I want them with me all the time. I send them too school because it is what they need and with thier variety of needs and my lack of attending skills, well, homeschooling doesn't work.
We had gotten this initially because Mike needs to maintain a regular schedule over the summer and at the time there wasn't an appropriate summer school program available. We were being creative. He ended up in a summer program that lasted 3 weeks, then vacation bible school with me. This was hopefully to have some sort of routing for the end of the summer, and work on social skills. I was hoping he would get to do horsebackriding too, but that would cost me extra.
Plus during the school year he could go a couple afternoons a week for fun social activities with supports. It is an integrative program with NT and a variety of disabled peers. He could go days when I have appointments for Cait all afternoon and that can be stressful for him.
But the thing is, often these things are not fun for Mike. But also he hasn't been able to do anything away from me for nearly 2 years other than school and even that was dicey for a while but he has an amazing teacher. On the one hand it would be great to try to get him to do things like this again in a safe environment. On the other hand it may be to stressful for him.
Thanks,
Renee
Hi Renee,
My ds Rodney - the bi-polar 14 y/o one, has some pretty severe anxiety issues. He has come up with a list of things that trigger his anxiety and a list of things that he feels can help him calm himself down. This way he always feels that he has the ability to handle his stressful situations. So - if we are trying to get him to go to a camp we would discuss it completely before we even attempted to get him there. Saying things like I know this is going to cause you some serious anxiety and how do you want to deal with it. We would come up with a couple of plans to get him through the anxiety. Alot of time Rod doesn't get the benefit he should from activities like camp, but he does benefit in that he has learned something about himself and been successful at calming himself down. We have been to a variety of relaxation workshops, yoga and deep breathing classes and he picks something from what he has learned that helps him cope. I think a big part of it all is giving him the control, he decides what makes him anxious and what he thinks will work for him. Most of it is just him believing that if he breathes deeply 5 times then the whole world will be ok. Unfortunately, we still have to do this with just about every situation he encounters - you would think at some point he would be able to manage this on his own but it hasn't happened yet. We also have an escape plan for everything, we agree before hand how he can get away from a situation safely before we get there ie - if we are out to dinner and he can't handle the noise he will plan to go sit in the car by himself until he gets control back or we are ready to leave, if he is at school and it just too much he can go to the resource room or call home to get picked up. If he knows how to handle the worst case scenario he usually handles the stress better.
If this activity is going to cause stress that Mike can't cope with then it probably wouldn't be a good idea to send him. Whenever I make decisions like this I try to look at the big picture, is whether he goes to this camp or not going to change the course of his life or matter 3 months from now? If it isn't life changing then it usually isn't important enough for me to push.
Beverly
I know it seems tough, but, perhaps Mike is making the right decision for him based upon his experience. You said that often if the staff gets stressed, even if they are professionals, they have a hard time dealing with him. Maybe he knows this too, and knows he's going to be too stressed?
Colin is in a group this summer. It seems to be a good thing for him, and it seems to be a pleasant thing. BUT, he has pretty high anxiety about it. What if he doesn't behave? (because sometimes he can't) What if the other boys don't like him?
I've had to assure him - fully knowing these were promises made on nothing but hope - that the staff is going to help him, be kind to him, not let anyone be mean to him, etc. I have to say that 1/2 way into it, I'm finally breathing a sigh of relief because I see that the therpasist actually handle Colin very well when he is being really impossible. Now that he has experienced this 1st hand, it's getting easier for us BOTH to trust them and his anxiety level is going down just a touch.
Colin is so over-sensitive to other's emotions that even if a grown-up is not openly saying something angry or tense to him, he sees it in their body and senses it in their tone. He then simply FREAKS out. Because he can be quite challenging in the 1st place, it's not unusual for adults dealing with him to get "fed up." This then just makes the cycle worse.....
So, maybe Mike has had some basis for his anxiety. I have had to learn not to dismiss Colin's. I agree it is very hard to know when you should push, and when to back off.
Jackie
We had gotten this initially because Mike needs to maintain a regular schedule over the summer and at the time there wasn't an appropriate summer school program available.
Jake really does too and at this point the school district trys to work with me to create a summer program for him that
Pat
Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response. --
Hmmmm. Toughie.
I agree with a lot of the advice which was given already. ITA with Chrissy, that you have to take the whole picture into consideration. If this process is going to wear you down, then that will impact Mike and the entire fanily.
Also the point of doing things Mike likes is well taken. Do you think this issue is a transition thing or something more profound?
If it is transition, there may be some strategies you can try to ease it for him. Perhaps you can have one fo the councellers or therapists visit ou in your environment, explain the routine and bring some photos etc, in the hope that Mike will warm gradually to the idea? I know that is asking a lot of the counceller, but I'm thinking of mixing custard, you have to add a little of the hot milk to the eggs, before you put the eggs into the custard. If you throw the eggs straight in, it will curdle.
If the issue goes beyond transition, then maybe this is not the best idea for Mike at this time.
I wish you the very best whatever you decide. I feel your pain, believe me.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Boy, do I know how you feel. I have to say, I really agree with Pat. Those wise words from the therapist about what makes him happy say alot. I spend so much time trying to figure out from Vaughn's reactions and words what he is truly anxious about and what is just transitional or rigidness. I also completely sympathize with you on the meltdown thing. I am SO TIRED of trying to tune out the stares and whispers while Vaughn completely FREAKS about some things. Screaming NO...YOU"RE STUPID! in the middle of Target while I try to calmly compose him is mortifying and you NEVER get used to it...thick skin or not. If you've fought your share of battles lately, give yourself a break. But some of the transitional ideas someone posted might be worth a try if you really think Mike will benefit from the program.
Good luck,
Shelley