Gripe about in-laws sending "gifts"

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Registered: 03-31-2003
Gripe about in-laws sending "gifts"
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Thu, 06-29-2006 - 10:26pm

My in-laws live across the Atlantic, and like to show that they care by sending gifts. (Of course, they also have a lot to say about how kids are too materialistic these days.) They are very sweet people, and I'm just awful to complain, but I've just got to get this out of my system.

About every month or two, a package arrives for the boys. I hate to look a gift horse in the mouth, but nearly every time it's something that has zero play value, like little party-favor quality plastic farm animals that can't stand up by themselves, but still need to be stored. Another thing they send is kids' DVDs that come free with some newspaper subscription. DH has told his parents a MILLION times, that our kids hardly ever watch TV, are NOT interested in the DVDs, and we can't even watch British DVDs without hooking up the computer in some weird way, because of the region encoding. DH, who is much more tactful than I am, has tried to make them understand that books are an ideal gift. He finally got through. So now we've got a whole box full of these horrible comic books full of 1950's British classist, racist humor, because that's what FIL remembers fondly from his own childhood.

Well, yesterday, the mailman delivered a package, and Nathan was all excited. It turned out to be a package of little plastic European road signs (AGAIN) with a couple of cars with wheels that don't turn. AND a huge book called, "501 TV-Free Activities for Kids." Did I mention that my kids almost never watch TV, and manage to keep busy and entertained with their own imaginations and creativity--with the occasional help from parents? Apparently the in-laws haven't gotten the message. I don't want to raise a snob (I'm sure I must sound like one!), so I told Nathan all about how his grandparents wish they could be with him, and like to send toys and things to show they care. But I can't help but think that it just shows that they don't pay attention. A recurring theme in our conversations is that we are very pleased that our boys are creative and imaginative, and aren't TV Zombies (although that Lego website is getting to be a problem lately.)

I was looking through the book, and it's full of stuff like gluing leaves to sticks, making herbed vinegar from herbs in "the garden". Throughout the book it's assumed that everyone has a garden with trees, vegetables, flowers, paths, and a pond. Sorry...I live in the SF Bay Area, and didn't have $800k for that house! We've got a patio. The in-laws KNOW that. According to the book, all children love to make cheesy-oat balls, and they will eat them if they have little raisin faces on them. Ugh! I know, this is awful of me, and maybe other people's kids really do delight in making meatballs with their parents or making puppets out of old custard powder tins.

Sigh! They mean well. It wouldn't bother me so much, but we are REALLY limited in the amount of space we have. Our little house is cluttered with stuff we use, and there is NO space for crappola.

What a snob I am. Oh well. Thanks for "listening".

Evelyn

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Registered: 10-03-2004
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 11:07pm

I do understand the gripe. My in-laws also senf gifts, not so often as yours, though. MIL does pretty good, but FIL sends -- bug kit for kid who hates bugs, books for much younger kid (ds is also an advanced reader) BUT they hardly ever see him so that must be excused. I also know they mean well and want to be remembered. I need to get ds cracking on some thank you notes, actually.

If that were me, I'd be putting the junky stuff into a box to send my sister who's a school teacher, she uses junky toys in a classroom store!! I fill box after box from birthday party gift bags and other junky toys people give ds and he never looks at again. I also send toys he has just plain old outgrown. My sister's kids LOVE the junky toys, they are also kids from a very poor area, so these toys are a real treat as well. Win-win.

Hey! I remember those comic books, I think, cuz we got them sent to us by distant relatrives who lived in England. But I remember them having some good stories in them, adventures, classics. not the same ones? We loved them when we were kids.

Anyways, why not get rid of the crappola, noone will know the difference...

Just my thoughts,

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 11:44pm

I know EXACTLY where you're coming from! And what timing on your post too!

My DGM and sister (wo live together) are coming tomorrow, supposedly with what was supposed to be 'a few hand-me-dows' for my girls. WELL, 'a few' turned into a U-Haul trailer load somewhere between Tuesady and today (Thursday). I kid you not, they have already packed the trailer and are driving it out in the morning!

Now, my sister used to do this to me all the time. When I lived in NCA our uncle, who lived near her, would come up to my neck-of-the-woods on business about once a month. Every month she'd have his pick-up truck loaded down with Crappola that I was supposed to be 'delighted' to get. We're not just talking cheapo toys (although those were in there too) but clothing that Goodwill wouldn't take because it was in such bad repair. We even found real trash, as in crumpled papers and sticky icky candy wrappers, on more then one occasion. No matter how many times we told her we REALLY didn't want this stuff she'd send it anyway, and be upset when weren't 'thrilled' to get it.

Well, after a particularly bad blow-up (over somthing else) my sister and I stopped talking. The monthly trash loads to our garage stopped. It took us 3 years to get rid of all the crap she sent us. NOW she thinks it's time to start it again.

When I asked my grandmother why they didn't just take all that junk to their local thrift store she actually replied "Oh, well we don't know where there is one around here." They live in San Diego! There's litterlally HUNDREDS of thrift stores and charities in SD that will take this stuff! But noooooo, they want to pay $300 to rent a trailer so they can drive 500 miles to drop it on my doorstep instead, even after I told them not too.

Count me as a member of the Snob Club. Our houses are not dumps or landfills for other people to ship their junk. We have enough of our own junk to deal with, we don't need theirs.

Okay, I feel better now. Maybe with enough mind altering substances I can get through this weekend without ending up in jail.

~SG_1Niner (who's j/k about the mind altering substances, Renee)

APOV on Autism

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 12:09am

So long as they are only imaginary or the caffienated kind we are ok.

Renee

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Registered: 02-20-2001
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 9:04am
LOL.....I feel your pain, but my issue is with my mom.

 


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Registered: 02-20-2001
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 9:19am
Ok, your story takes the cake!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 1:11pm

Okay, so, now I have a livingroom full of STUFF. I went through 9 bags of clothes yesterday that was all size 0 to size 3 (ladies). My sister is only 5'2" and wrieghs 85 lbs soaking wet. Only one person in my house could wear ANY of it... my 11yo DD, who is the lowest functoning autistic in the household when it comes to 'trying things on'. She was a trooper though and since she was more upset about the livingroom being 'overstuffed' then anything else she pounded her way through the clothes and just got it over with. Then my DGM wanted to know why she was 'hold up in her room' for 2 hours afterwards. Um, lemme see, maybe its because she's OVERWHELMED. Most of the clothes didn't fit, were itchy, or were just in really bad repair. I already have mountain of a mending pile and wasn't about to save things that would have to face my sewing machine before they could be worn. DD saved one thing that needed a little mending because she really liked it otherwise, and she can sew and promised to do it herself.

Oh, that brings up another issue I have with this visit from the Junk Queens. When DD said she'd mend the shirt herself (and I just nodded) DGM started in on this big thing about how DD was too young to sew anything like that (was just a loose seam), and started hinting that she didn't think there was any possible way DD could because of her autism and/or MLMR! DD took great afront to this and it turned out what she was doing in her room for those two hours was mending the shirt on HER sewing machine. She came out once to borrow the right color of thread and came back out with a shirt that was not only mended but altered to fit propperly (she took it in at the waist).

It just really makes me mad that my family is constantly treating this particular child like she can't do anything and shouldn't be expected to learn. But then they turn around and get huffy with ME over the fact that she has a terrible time reading... did I mention she's MLMR? **headesk** She tries her little darnedest and hasn't given up yet. She reads for 2 hours every day, even though it's hard for her. But then THEY want to get snuffy about her reading difficulties, right in front of her, which makes her feel bad. Then they turn around and treat her like she's some china doll that can't take care of the slightest little thing for herself. She was very insulted when they wanted to give her an easy-bake oven so she could 'learn how to handle hot things'. DD actually growled at her her DGGM "I can cook complete meals! And I use the real oven and stove every day!"

~SIGH~

Now to just get through the rest of the weekend without either me OR DD going to jail. Need to go brew soem tea or something....

Still have 13 boxes to go through... and there's more in the garage.

~SG_1Niner

APOV on Autism

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 2:16pm

Well, the only complaint I have is that my mother and my mother-in-law feel it thier duty to constantly give me the clothes they don't wear. Ok, I feel bad enough about my slightly overweight 165 lb, 5'7" body and the fact that I can't afford alot of great clothes but I REALLY don't need to be wearing what is "in" for the over 65 group, KWIM? I look dowdy enough already! Geez.

Renee

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 3:14pm

OMG you all should have my mom then.. You would love her to death. When we lived up north for the 11 or so years we were there she would sent gift cards for the kids 20.00 each and they could go to walmart and get what they wanted or needed. My problems have been with my DH's family for the longest time they would make sure my now 18 yr old dd got things for her birthday and other times and I finally got a belly full and told them IF they couldn't send for the youngest one too then DON'T send to either one of them.

Now that we only have D.J. here it's so much easier and seeing his 18 yr old sister is pregnant she can now figure out why I never had extra money with children that always needed or wanted things..

I really hope that things get better with the garbage gift things for you all

Hugs

Tina

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 3:50pm

My ILs are the good ones for us. They send small boxes every once in a while, but it's always nice stuff that is usefull, and never very much at once. My MIL always calls before birthdays to see exactly what the kids 'need' and doesn't just send stuff she saw that she though was cute. Otherwise they just send cash. I guess it's just that she actually understands, having raised an Aspie herself. Everytime I say "the girls won't wear anythign with this kind of seam..." she usually responds with "OMG! 'Son' wouldn't wear those either!" or "Son was like that with these things...." And she taottaly gets my 6yo's violent reaction to the color 'avacado green'. LOL

Well, I had to run to the store to get the stuff to make ice cream and I hauled my DGM along with me (to keep her out of everyone's hair). When we got back DD 11 was making lunch. DGM immediately steps in and starts telling DD how she shouldn't use the stove b/c she could burn herself... DD (who usually makes lunch for the entire family) hit the roof. DH had to haul her into her room to help her calm down, and explain why we don't tell our 83yo great-grandmothers "You need to take your old dried-up self back to California." **headdesk** We totally understand her frsutration, but we also can't let her talk to her elders that way.

Of course, lunch, and the making there of,is part of DD's non-negotiable routine, so I'm left having to decide whom to duct tape, the old woman who screams about kids being in kictchens or the 11yo who will scream if I tell her she can't do it.

Oh, and the reason I had to haul DGM away with me earlier was because she was complaining that our house was messy and that we just didn't know how to keep house... IT WAS CLEAN BEFORE YOU BROUGHT A U-HAUL TRAILER LOAD OF CRAP INTO IT!!! **headdesk**

Grr.

APOV on Autism

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 4:36pm

OMG I feel for you I think I wouls haul her off in the same u haul that they brought all of the stuff in. My sister in law has issues with children being in the kitchen and I had to tell her more then once you know what these are my children and they are not under the age of 10 so back off... I let D.J. do what ever he thinks he can do. But he says he can't do anything so we keep it simple so he feeds my mom's outside cats in which most are very wild, feeds the dog for me once or twice a week and takes care of the trash. Best of luck with your DGM I am sure you are going to need a long vacation by the time they go home.... I think it's great that your DD will fix lunch for the whole family..

Older people seem to think that children are to young to do anything at times and then add the asorted problems and they will all drive you nuts..

Hugs

Tina

 

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