Growing up and getting bigger

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Registered: 02-24-2004
Growing up and getting bigger
8
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 3:40pm

I've been reading the posts today, and it got me thinking about what happens when our kids start getting bigger. I mean, physically bigger. I think Renee made a great point about how our kids are noticed more, because they're bigger and should know better. I think the looks we get...change...as the kids grow. When they're little, you get the looks that say you don't know how to control your child, they're spoiled, etc. But when they get bigger, you get the looks that make you feel incompetent as a parent, like YOU did something wrong to make your child act this way. Personally, I don't appreciate any of the looks. I know that in the future, we will get the looks that say, he's weird, strange.....and maybe when he's an adult, people may even give us the I feel sorry for you look.

Nathan is getting bigger. He's still little enough to sit on my lap, without second looks. But I know that before this school year is over, he will have grown even more. And the whining, the saying odd things, sudden outbursts, obsessiveness, etc.....will be even more noticeable to others. It doesn't bother me so much when people look anymore. But it would be nice to not be looked at, at all. And the thought of watching him...watching others look at him. Not a moment I like to think about. I think that bothers me the most....how it makes him feel. It's hard teaching an NT self esteem and confidence, I wonder if it will be hard teaching this to Nathan.

Michelle

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Registered: 04-11-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 4:40pm

Michelle,

I feel we are at that stage. My son is going into 5th grade this yr. He's a big kid, 105#'s. I was just kind of talking about this with my sister last weekend. He's grown bigger but in so many ways he hasn't grown up. The other boys in his class seem sooo much more mature than he does. Of course I love his sweetness and innocence but his differentness gets more noticeable as the years go by. And you know the school doesn't want to acknowledge this part of his disability. Kyle has made tons of progess accademcially over the past 2 yrs. They want him mainstreamed for most of the day this yr. That's great of course but on the other hand the Mommy in me wants him with other kids who are sweet and innocent. I really wish there was a special school here just for kids like Kyle.

Samantha

Samantha
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Registered: 05-16-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 4:58pm

Hi Michelle,

This is something I think about really often. Jack is still really young -- only just 4 -- but it gets more and more difficult all around. When he was two, well, people give a lot of slack to a 2-year old. It was kind of like a grace period. But now we're 4. That's part of the reason that his birthdays are hard for me. I know that it's just going to get more difficult, too.

Hang in there,
Cathy

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 11:09pm

Ya know, it isn't the odd or autistic stuff that bothers me. It is the behavior that others would dub as bad kid or weirdo that does. For instance, stimming, perseverating on topics I don't mind. So what, quirky. Sure I get looks but if I say "he's autistic" or "she has an autism spectrum disorder" people just nod knowingly and go on. It is the stuff that seems like really bad kid that bugs me.

A couple for instances. This morning at the Camp Ground there is a person who was oriental of some sort that was at the playground with her kids. I was sitting about 5 feet away and Mike walks up, sits on my lap and loud as anything. "Mom, are those people Spaniards!" (he is into Princess bride and got it from that) And he wouldn't stop, perseverated over and over. That kind of comment from a 4-5 year old just sounds like innocent honesty. In a child who looks 10 it sounds more like rudeness especially when he won't stop and I have to move away. They don't realize he is that innocent 4-5 mentally.

The first day camping a 3ish girl was bugging Mike. She was a hands on kind of girl and had her own mind what to do and didn't follow his direction. not that he is terribly clear anyway. Well when she finally ticked him off he threw sand at her angrily. Our Cabin was visual distance from the playground and since his sibs were there and I could see no one else when they went, I let them go alone while we unpacked. Bad mistake. This is a kid 6 years younger than him. There were 2 other boys his age there that for the rest of the night when ever they saw him, threatened to "pound" him for hurting the girl. Of course Mike was obsessing on it and kept going back to those kids to discuss it. He just didn't understand the implication of hurting a girl who is little vs a boy his age.

Of course this 3ish girl was in the cabin next to ours (blush). The mom smiled "knowningly" to me the rest of the 2 days. So I think she knew. I have an autism bumper sticker but I don't think they ever went around by my car and the only way she would have made the connection to Mike is if she knew autism, but that could've been a really ugly scene. Needless to say the parents where right near the girl whenever Mike was around after that. lol.

Renee

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Registered: 10-24-2003
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 8:28am

Michelle,


This has really become an issue for me in the last year and 1/2 or so.

Pat

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response. --

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 9:50am

This has becaome a big issue for us in the last 2 years. Jake grew bwtween the 5th and 6th grade and now that heis in 7th he is 130lbs and almost as tall as me. I know it looks strange to see him holding my hand in pubic-at open house other night he was holing my hand -I gotta lot of strange looks from other parents. Then when he saw one of his friends(also AS) they gave each other a big hug-yes in the middle of the hallway at school. Not your normal 7th grade boy stuff!

The part I worry about the most is his self control and reaction-especially with younger kids(like his 3.5 yo sister) like Renee said he just doesn't get what it means to hurt a kid younger then him. Other night he got so frustrated with her he pushed her across the room. I was so mad at him-she's ok just got shaken up-she doesnt understand why he is so "mean". But then he can be so loving with her and very protective. I just never know how he is going to be. **sigh**

LIza

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Registered: 08-22-2003
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 10:48am

Hi Michelle,

I see it too, with a 4 year old. Vaughn is very tall for his age (but thin). Many 5 & 6 year olds will comment on the playground about his climbing abilities ( or lack of!) because he looks their age. He is soooo cautious and wants help with everything and the other kids laugh at it.

I'm still in the stage where I know everyone just sees him as a whiney mommy's boy. Of course people who know me think it's because I hover around him too much. I often hear..."just let him go play" or "he's fine, stop hovering over him" but I know his limited motor skills and I need to be there to help with appropriate responses. I consider playground time a critical teaching area on play skills.

UUUUgh! Like Samantha, I not only wish there were AS schools but also AS communities where us parents can relax a little.

Shelley

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 8:33pm

I think we are definatley at that point. Trevor is 11 and going in the 7th grade. His maturity level is definatley not close to that of most 7th graders and definatley not his social skills. I worry so much about how others veiw him. He of course doesn't notice but I see it. What bothers me the most is non strangers because for the most part in public he hold himself tgether and people see him as a quite nice boy. But the more comfortable he is the more likely it is he will meltdown, and show his rigid, obsessive behavior. I can't stand the feeling that people see im as out of control or me as a bad parent. I also worry so much about him as a teenager trying to get a job or something. He talks all the time about when he's old enough to get a job what he'll do but honestly he can be so slow and has so many quirkinesses of things he will or will not do. So I'm with you, sharing the worry's.

Amanda

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 8:51pm

Yeah I totally agree with that. I could see my son doing something similiar, and he just wouldn't get that throwing sand at a younger girl was the problem he would focus on what she did to him. Plus I think even with people knowing they have autism, most people don't know enough about it to have a worthwhile reaction. I'm saying this of course because I have an annoying situation: I shared with my friend some of the info about the testing and the diagnosis and she sense I feel she doesn't invite him over as much ( her son and mine are in school together and are friends which he does not have many) They didn't get together alot but an occational sleep over she hasn't invited him the whole summer yet when we are on the phone she will have this other boy ,who they are both friends with over. Probably more than 10 times this summer but not once for my ds. Only when I come too. Now yes I could be being over sensitive maybe the other boys get along better, I dont know. I also noticed when we were over last my ds had almost started to cry because I said we were leaving and he wanted to play a video game and she goes well maybe just a quick game, then when they ran up to play said that way he won't give you a hard time on the way home. Now maybe I should be grateful, as I'm saying it Im thinking perhaps she is just trying to understand and be helpful. BUT, I'm finding it annoying and suddenly felt the need to vent that!

Amanda