to have a birthday party or not?

Avatar for betz67
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
to have a birthday party or not?
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Fri, 08-19-2005 - 10:58am

Weston's birthday is Monday (he'll be 9). He has never had a party. We have done birthday parties for the other kids in preschool and then again in 4th or 5th grade. So... he didn't have a party when he was in preschool because he couldn't stand to have anyone but his specific 2 "friends" at our house and never more than one at a time. He was just not able to pull it together sensory-wise to cope w/ a birthday party. We always said, "maybe next year". Now Weston is asking for a birthday party. He still doesn't interact w/ more than one child at a time ever and doesn't really have any friends. There are a couple of kids in the neighborhood he plays w/ occasionally. Now he's in 4th grade and I'm feeling guilty that I've never done a party for him. Also, we're pretty strapped for spending cash right now so what ever I do will have to be CHEAP.

I've thought about just reserving the pool in our subdivision and inviting a few kids for Labor Day weekend, and just having cake and ice cream or rootbeer floats (one of Weston's favorite treats). I don't know if that would work or not. So, he's still not interacting w/ other kids and will probably just swim around the edge of the pool (like he always does when we go to the pool) during his party but would you do it because he's asking?

Betsy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 12:33pm

Betsy,

Well, I don't have a comment on this one!! LOL Nate is only 6 and hasn't really started asking for parties yet. I'll be interested to hear what others say on this subject!

Nathan has a tendency to ask for things, or to go places.....and then it's a disaster!!!

Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 2:14pm

hi...
If he's asking for a party, then have a small one. But he has to help plan it.
just have it in your backyard...a few kids, cake, a few simple games, the kids can make they're own floats, ect... keep it very simple, and short(1 hour)

good luck...
Chevee

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 2:25pm

Dear Betsy,

Obviously this is just my opinion, but I would. I like to honor my son's requests, and also he may enjoy puttering around the edges and not having too much connection at his party this year --- which is how he would most enjoy his party this year. Ah, but over time that can change! Maybe next year, he'll be more connected to other kids at his birthday party.

We have always had parties for Malcolm's (age 8, PDD-NOS) birthdays, and yes, at first he didn't connect much at all except with his favorite grownups, really. This is all different now. He has learned over time how to have great times at parties, esp. his own. Every year he has more fun.

Pool parties are great because the water helps lower over-stimulation of too many kids. There's no reason to spend lots of money ever unless the spending of that money would truly bring pleasure (such as us paying for 15 kids to have unlimited rides at Coney Island this year plus pizza, etc. OUCH, but more fun than anything and immensely popular with his pals as well. Malcolm won the "cool party" prize this year). Have you asked your son what he would want at his party? The pool and a cake may be more than enough.

Also, a party can be just a few kids. One of Malcolm's buddies always has parties with only 3 of his best friends and they often just play at his house, eat cake, exchange gifts and that's that! Several of his friends HATE the birthday song everyone-sings-together thing, so that doesn't happen at their parties!

Anyways, I think if he's asking, it is certainly worth a shot. Do it simply and let him have his day!

yours,

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 2:34pm

First I will say don't feel badly..Jake has never had a party and he is 12. We always just have family over or we go over there. Anyways-I would say if he is asking for one just do something simple and small. Swimming is good, have a cake and make floats-that sounds great. Keep it short so he doesn't get overstimulated. Good Luck!!

Liza

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 4:59pm

We don't have parties at all anymore, we have made a different family tradition. I do throw them 1 party for thier first communion and will for confirmation as well but not birthdays. I will tell you that Mike wanted his first communion party and it was beyond a disaster. We did have some when they were smaller, pretty much all disasters or very stressful and expensive, even the ones with just cousins.

We now do something so WAY better. We go on a date! I take the kids out of school for a 1/2 day on thier birthday. Mom never lets them just take off a day so this is a special treat. Plus most places we go are empty during the school day which is much better for the ASD sect. And we go on a date without the other kids. I take them to do what ever they want (Chuck E Cheese, Family fun center, movie, etc) for lunch and shop for one small gift (they get another as a surprise). That night I make what ever they request for dinner and I bake them a special cake. There are recipes online for how to make Cake's look really cool and I have figured out how to decorate them pretty well. Last year Mike had the "Eye of Sauron" and it looked pretty darn good.

The kids have had great memories of those special dates, we still make thier day special just not like other kids in class and instead of being out hundreds of dollars it is more like 50-100 by the time you count everything including gift, date, dinner and cake.

Renee

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Avatar for googolplex
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 6:33pm

Personally, I don't think you should feel guilty for never having given him a birthday party. It sounds like he's not a birthday party kind of kid, at least not someone who enjoys large parties. Do you know what it is about "birthday party" that appeals to him? If there were balloons, streamers, pinata, party favors, etc., but only two or three guests, would that do the trick? I'd consider that a party, speaking as someone who does not enjoy crowds. I think it has become the cultural norm for parents to drive themselves up the wall, and bankrupt, throwing huge parties for their kids every year. My best friend insists that she's not going to throw a big party each year, and that she hates it...and that she's "only going to invites DS's entire class and rent a bounce house." Gee Whiz! (Oh, and my AS ds, who is this child's longtime friend since toddlerhood HATES these parties.) I say, save your sanity. My AS child's ideal birthday would include a cake, presents, immediate family, and the entire day playing with his presents, especially with his dad.

I had one birthday party when I was growing up. It was my sixth birthday. It was summertime before 1st grade and I had no friends of my own, so it was basically a crowd of my nine-year-old sister's friends. We had a pinata, which the big kids' smashed and they descended on the candy like a swarm of locusts before I knew what happened. That was enough birthday party for me. After that, as long as there was a nice cake with big gloopy flowers and some decent presents I was happy! LOL!

If you do decide to go for a party, I'd recommend keeping it short and saving enough time in the afternoon for Weston to wind down. Just my humble opinion, as they say.

Evelyn

Avatar for cathby
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 9:00pm

Hi Betsy,

Since Weston is asking, I would def. honor his request. (I am a "Type A" kiddie party planner -- I always do matching invited and over-the-top entertainment and favors. But when Jack turned 4 in June we did....nothing. Well, I did have his nursery school over the day before for an end-of-year swim but no one knew it was his birthday and that's AOK by me.)

I think the pool is the perfect place. Cheap, and an "easy out" if Weston needs a sensory break. He can just retreat into the water and everyone will go "Hey, it's a pool party and he's having fun at his party!" You serve whatever he likes (I like root beer floats too!) and I think he and the others will really enjoy it.

Good luck,
Cathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 1:20am

Betsy,

Chimng in late here. Sorry.

I think it is great that he has asked for a party Definie progress. I am in partial agreement with the "give him a party if that is what he wants" sentiment. First: I would make sure he knows for what he is signing up!

Also, I would impress upon him that as host, he will have some responsibiliies to his guests. You may want to give him some options, say; pool party, a few friends around to the house, for cake and crafts, an afternoon out with Mom or Dad -no siblings. See which one he chooses. Then let him "help" with the planning, shopping etc. That may give him more sense of ownership (and control).

Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Avatar for betz67
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 7:29pm

THANKS for all the input! We talked w/ Weston. He had GRAND ideas for this birthday. Always before he has just kind of gone w/ the flow and realized it was going to be his birthday the day or so before and was not so aware that he wanted a party or anything else. This year he's been telling me the "rules" are that he gets to choose where we go for supper (I don't think so... he can choose the menu at home w/i reason) and he gets to go w/ Dad where ever he wants (ie he wanted to see a movie and go to McD's cause they have Acceleracers right now, which has become his new obsession). AND he wanted a party and presents. ok, yes, this is progress he's voicing his wants and what he perceives as the customs in our house, but there is very much a limit.

So, we have decided (together w/ Weston) that he can have a party. Turns out he really wants lots of decorations, cake and ice cream (he really liked the rootbeer floats idea). He just wants three neighborhood friends and wants to invite their siblings as well. So, that's about 7 kids besides all of his siblings-- it'll be a big party! We'll do it Labor Day in the morning so there won't be other kids at the pool. He liked the idea of playing in the pool and maybe a relay pool race or something. We went over the "rules" of being a good host and he's agreed to them. I think it makes it easier that he got to choose the guest list and is VERY comfortable w/ these kids.

Now I just have to invite our guests and reserve the pool & cabana. oh, and come up w/ a secondary plan in case the weather is poor! (I will have to come up w/ a social story for that as well!)

Betsy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 8:18pm

Betsy,

Sounds like he is well on top of things LOL. (you both are).

Have a great party. I'm sure it will go well. We'll all be there in spirit.

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com

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