Have to send AS DS to live w/inlaws

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2007
Have to send AS DS to live w/inlaws
4
Sat, 12-22-2007 - 6:29pm



Hi my name is Kerryanne and I have 2 DS(8&10), a 2 1/2 yr old DD and am also almost 12 wks pg. MY oldest DS has AS, dx when he was 4 1/2, then my dh was dx 3 years later with the same. The last 5 months or so have been very hard on on my son. We moved in August and in Sept my son started a new school where he knew no one. Academically he had been having trouble for years but socially he did ok because he'd had the same group of friends since kindgrtn. Once we moved everything turned really ugly. I know how hard transitions are for kids with AS, but I really didn't expect it to be as bad as it was. He couldn't function at all in the classroom and had become quite disruptive, he was refusing his meds and stopped sleeping. He was going to the bathroom in his pants all the time and gorging on food he would take up and hide in his room(i.e. eating 8-10 granola bars at a time). We finally had our iep mtg scheduled when I found out I was pregnant again.(he's had an iep since grade K and was in E.I.) I have hyperemisis and also have a low lying placenta which has coused bleeding and put me on bedrest, which is a moot point because I'm puking so much I can't function anyway. I feel like I've failed my son, the pg was a huge suprise and unplanned, and I'm very angry at the situation. I know I'll come around once I'm feeling better but right now it's almost unbearable. Last week we had to make the tough decision to send our son to live with my in laws so he can go back to his old school and so my retired in laws and give him undevided attention and care because not only b/c i'm sick but also have 2 other children. Has anyone else had to do this? I'm very grateful my inlaws have offered this help and I know it's best for my son but I feel like I'm losing him. I also have extreme guilt b/c sometimes I look forward to when he goes because the disruption is so hard and exhausting. He will move to their house Jan 6 so he can start school after the break is over. I've been told for many years by my sons DR he needed residential care mostly because he has very violent outbursts but I always said I would NEVER do that. Now I feel like I'm giving up on him. Because my DH also has AS he cannot deal with any of this, not my pregnancy our son, anyof this. He makes comments about how he can't wait for Harrison to be out of the house and he has no idea why that is so upsetting to me. I could use any advice or encouragement any of you have for me. I just discovered this whole message board thing
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Sat, 12-22-2007 - 10:30pm

Kerryanne,


Welsome to the board. I am sorry it is so quiet around here at the moment., I think everyone is busy with the holidays.

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Avatar for betz67
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-23-2007 - 5:33pm

(((((Kerryanne)))))

what a difficult situation you are in! I'm sorry you're feeling so sick w/ this pregnancy it's hard to feel that bad but adding kids (and SN kids) to the situation is so hard. Your emotions are going crazy w/ hormonal changes and making such a huge decision for your son would wretch any mother's heart, it's got to be even more so w/ all the hormonal upheaval in your body! I just want to reach out and hug you-- I can only give cyber hugs.

Please come and vent or chime in or whatever you need as often as you need to, we're here for everyone!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Sun, 12-23-2007 - 11:45pm

Hi Kerryanne,


(((hugs)))

Molly
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-26-2007 - 10:02pm

Hi Kerryanne and welcome to the board.

You are going through so much right now. I had hyperemisis and PSD throughout my third pregnancy which meant I was puking continuously and on crutches, with a 2 year old and a (then) undiagnosed 6 years old with AS (violent outbursts, hand flapping, sensory issues, etc, but we didn't know why). I didn't have a DH with AS so he was the only reason I survived - but one week he had to go abroad for work and I was left alone with the kids and I caved, I couldn't cope, and I had to send the eldest to stay with a friend. Which was truly awful for him, completely disrupted him, he wound up in hospital with anxiety and asthma attacks (turns out he was allergic to friend's cat), got suspended from school for biting a friend...how great a mum do you think I felt?

If I had been in your situation - ie with your kids, and with your DH, I would have been the way I was for that week for the whole of my pregnancy. And the solution you have found actually creates stability and support for your DS, which he badly needs right now. When you are well again, and have adjusted to the new arrival, then you can care for him properly and have hime home again. Til then, you and he need all the help you can get, and a time with his grandparents and back at his old school sounds ideal.

You are NOT a bad mum for having to do this. You are in a really difficult situation doing the best you can for your son and your family. You would be a bad mum if you just let everything fall apart around you and did nothing about it, but that isn't what you are doing.

This is only temporary. I know it doesn't feel like that when you are in the throes of hyperemis and having to do such a difficult thing, but it is a few months out of your and DS's life. Things *will* improve. You obviously need to get more help and support for him at his new school but you can't do that while you are incapacitated. So do that in the future when you can.

You are doing your very best and that is all anyone can ever ask of you. This is really really hard, but it *will* get easier and better. I promise. I've not been exactly where you are but I've been near there and I made it back out and so will you.

Kirsty
mum to Euan (9, Asperger's), Rohan (4, NT) and Maeve (2, NT)