Having to do "non-preferred activity"
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| Fri, 04-21-2006 - 3:02am |
I've got a question for you all. It's a question I have asked repeatedly since the day I brought David home from the hospital when he was four days old, and was shocked to learn that he had plans that didn't coincide with mine. I don't actually expect anyone to come up with an answer that will work for David, and I'll admit that life is MUCH, MUCH nicer and easier if I don't worry about it, but:
How do you get a child with AS to end an unfinished "preferred activity" (like building a Lego thing when it is past bedtime and he's been given plenty of warning) so that he can begin a "non-preferred activity", (like brushing teeth)?
Schedules and timers don't work. He doesn't "get" why he ought to stop building/writing/drawing before his thing is done. He actually begins a big project when he has been told he only has two minutes, and he doesn't see the problem with that. He totally tunes out any timers, or other forms of "nagging".
Consequences don't teach him. Natural consequences, like "We don't have time for an entire Magic Tree House book, because you just spent 45 minutes building that spaceship, so now we only have time for one chapter"...well that's basically what we do most nights; but it doesn't teach him anything. If he REALLY wants an entire Magic Tree House book, he will be very sad that I won't read it, and he does NOT see the connection to his previous choice. KWIM? He doesn't believe he has a choice, in fact. He thinks that if he has the urge to build/draw/write, etc. that he MUST do it.
Not so natural consequences, like, "If you don't start brushing your teeth in 30 seconds, you won't be allowed to play computer games for a week", don't work at all. It just makes him mad. Time-outs are a joke once a kid is too heavy to pick up and carry to their room, unless you have a kid who goes willingly. Once we get into that kind of stuff, it just gets ugly, because no matter how calm I am, and lovingly I try to explain, during unstressful moments, David does NOT get it. As far as he's concerned, there is no reason in the world why he should be kept from completing his preferred activity, other than Mom is being a big, fat jerk today. (I kind of lost my temper this evening; can you tell?)
I could turn it around to be "positive", like if he does good at stopping the preferred activity, he gets a sticker to trade in for something. But there really aren't any "somethings" I can think of. I don't want computer time to be a reward, because then he'll feel like he HAS to use it, and I'm happy that most days he doesn't mention the computer or TV at all. I can't dole out access to Legos, because they are everywhere anyway. And besides, again, he doesn't make the connection between his choice and the consequence. Or, if he makes the connection, he sees it as his mother's ridiculous whim.
Mostly we've learned to be extremely flexible, and to just let David finish his project. It doesn't teach him any life skills, but it keeps us from losing our minds. Today was tough, because he's "preferred activity" was one that was a pretty big inconvenience to the rest of us, and not much fun for anyone but him. I kind of momentarily lost my flexibility and snapped.
Any thoughts, sympathy? LOL! How do you *teach* the skill of doing what needs to be done, even though you would rather be playing? (Of course, here I am at nearly midnight on the computer, when I should be in bed. I haven't exactly mastered that skill myself, I guess.) TIA
Evelyn
David 8, AS
Nathan, 4.5

No advice, but lots and lots of sympathy. Sylvia has a difficult time finishing a preferred activity, even when she's going to be moving on to ANOTHER preferred activity! Like, say she's doing a group of puzzles, and there are six puzzles in this particular group. I say, "OK! In 5 minutes we're going to go out for ice cream!" And then give a 3 minute warning and a 1 minute warning. Then, when it's time to go, if she's not finished with all six puzzles, she just about has a nervous breakdown -- she MUST FINISH the activity before moving on to something else. It can be a real pain when I'm trying to get her on the bus in the morning, or something else where she HAS to be on time.
So, I'm hoping that others have some good advice!!!
Jennifer
I know you said timers don't work, and honestly they never worked for us either UNTIL we tried these:
http://www.onestepahead.com/jump.jsp?lGen=detail&itemID=255758&itemType=PRODUCT&iProductID=255758&change=118
http://www.integrationscatalog.com/sportime-shared/adaptedProductIndex.jsp?product=visualTimer
These visual timers really helped Jack
What an interesting post! It sounds like you have your hands full with David. My DS Noah (9), AS starts many sentences with "well what's the point? why do I have to?" He often doesn't get the point of doing some of those things in life that you just gotta do even though you don't like them! It's such a puzzle because he has the AS trait of being a strict rule follower and (attempts to be) enforcer and yet sometimes he is told to do something by us and he will protest "Why"? and I give my stock answers of "Because I said so!" or "Sometimes there are things in life you just have to do and it doesn't always make sense" Not the best answers but I don't feel the need to debate every single request I make of my son- I am the parent after all! We, fortunately, have had luck with timers and some consequences. I think if they are consistent and really "hit 'em where it hurts" they can work.
I read a great book "1001 Great Ideas for teaching and raising Children w/ AS Disorders and it says AS kids can be thrown by too many choices and we ask too many "Do You want...?" questions and that deals and contracts can work if the contract is: visual (VERY important for my son),the rules are super clear and concise, it is comprehensible to the child and that the deal or contract is not broken (by either party).
Recently my son kept going to the bathroom without closing the door- we were constantly nagging (never, ever works :) and finally we said "You are 9 years old and you know that you close the door when you go to the bathroom at home or anyone elses house - he just didn't "see the point" (I'm only in there for 30 seconds!) So his "currency" (to coin a Dr. Phil phrase) is Playstation and we know that is his preferred activity at the moment. So you don't close the door - No playstation for 24 hours - it worked ....most of the time - nobody is perfect! He's also the absent minded professor so we have to take that into account. But he knows now that just because he doesn't feel the need to close the door it is wrong and there are certain rules of the house you have to follow.
I have no idea if any of this rambling has helped. You didn't mention if your son attends school. If so, how does he do with the rules there? With my son it is a daily thing for me to explain the "real world" to him and explain why a certain thing has to be done in a civilized society. I don't believe just because he has AS that he gets to not follow the rules. I think because he has AS he doesn't naturally know some of the rules and they have to be taught to him and probably in a different way than to a NT kid.
I have to politely disagree with you (and I'm only going on the info. in your post) and say that David can learn from consequences. Maybe you just haven't found the right approach. Personally (and this is just my opinion) I WOULD find every Lego in the house and dole out access to them if that's really one of the things that would get his attention. If my DS was doing LEgos before bed and then bedtime came and he basically ignored us and continued I would find every single Lego and give him access the next time he went to bed on time and do the same thing with every favorite activity.
Easy for me to say I know! Good Luck! We all need it don't we?
Jane
Oh, I do have some sympathy for you there!
Motivation is the name of the game with my son.
I don't have much advise for you, but alot of sympathy.
Sam (nearly 7, AS) is much the same about starting building projects right before bedtime and difficulty with any transitions. He seems to start these things to get out of going to bed or starting a non preferred activity.
I am much the same at delaying things but find once I get started I get on a roll.
The best thing I can think of is to use a timer, which I know you've said doesn't help much. Have you tried a social story to explain the reasons for the timer? Or how about a "first/then" chart. First all the boring stuff to get ready for bed (a picture of brushing teeth...etc) then some free time with preferred activities and a time (a picture of legos and a a clock or numbers)
Then of course there's the transition to bed time. sigh....I'd probably go the tough route and *make* him stop. No explaining, the timers going off, times up and take the stuff away. We have bins for legos, bionicles, transformers. Part of Sam's nightime jobs is to pick this stuff up so they're not all over the place, then if I need to put them up, I just grab the bin and that's it. I like to have his night time stuff done before dinner (other than brush teeth that is.)
I sometimes hate that we have to be super organized so he can function but it makes life lots easier for us. Sam gets checks for doing his morning and night routine without giving us a hard time. Plus checks for weekly chores and daily reading (which he hates.) He can get up to 5 checks daily and 5 checks for the weekly stuff so there's lots of room for off days and mistakes. If he gets 30 checks for the week he gets $3, which is a big incentive since he gets to buy pretty much whatever he wants if he saves his money. Which means more legos, bionicles...etc, but it helps motivate him. This is the chart we use. http://www.onestepahead.com/jump.jsp?lGen=detail&itemID=582&itemType=PRODUCT&iProductID=582&change=117 It's magnetic and sticks to the fridge, it has lots of removable static things with different chores/ activities, some social skills like saying please/thank your or being nice to my sister..etc. It's also dry erase so you can write your own and has a spot to put the goal, what the reward is and an extra space for "I did this without being asked to."
Good luck!
Chrystee
You're probably right about David being able to learn from consequences, and I have to find the right way of doing it.
I just had to respond about the picking up Legos thing, though. I ought to post a picture of our living room, so you guys could see just how crazy our family is. There are these shelves that contain bins for toys (commonly sold in Targets and Walmart-type stores, I think). We've got TWO of those, packed with Legos, and then enough Legos leftover to pack at least one more. Not just the bins, but the whole entire unit.
Okay...so we didn't HAVE to buy so many Legos over the years, but it kind of got out of hand before we knew what was happening. Once we realized that David loves Legos more than anything else, his grandparents began buying these $100 sets for every holiday (one for David, and one for Nathan, just to be fair.) One grandparent bought the entire Dino Attack series for the boys this Christmas. Another bought Vladek's Dark Fortress for one boy and some other huge thing for the other. And yes, I gave my permission, but I shouldn't have. When it's time for David to pick out a gift for anyone, he picks Lego sets for them, especially for his brother and his dad, so a lot of it is theirs. DH is a Lego fanatic, himself, and his mother recently brought over all the Legos that have been sitting in their attic since 1980-something. My husband, bless his fuzzy little heart, was playing with Legos while he was in college (majoring in computer science.). Now he's 38, and he's building a Lego pin-ball machine at this very moment.
It's really insane. It would take all day to gather up every last Lego, and then I'd have a pile of Legos that would fill a bathtub...and there honestly isn't a place to put them all. It is truly unmanageable, especially since the only play-space is the living room (which we ought to just call the "playroom" and admit to not having a living room). In fact, we'd just limit access to that room if we could, but the downstairs is open-plan, so you can't just close a door, KWIM?
We're a pretty weird family, I know. LOL! I suppose it's no weirder than families who are fanatical about a football team or something, but it is pretty tough to control a million self-replicating bits of colored plastic.
Evelyn
Oh, I'm so glad you posted those links! At David's IEP meeting, the speech teacher told us all about a timer like the second one, and we all agreed that it might be useful for certain situations at school and at home, because it visually show how much time is left. It's "visual" in a way that goes beyond just looking at numbers or hands on a clock.
The teacher gave us all a website but when I went there, it was NOT what she had described. I think she accidentally gave us the wrong one, and I was going to ask her if she could try to find the right website.
Thanks.
Evelyn