Having issues w/ my NT DD concerning

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Having issues w/ my NT DD concerning
4
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 5:46pm

her brother w/ HFA. She's 12, he's 9. She's in the midst of puberty-- he's not and pretty much socially clueless.

She is VERY upset that he gets in the way of her normal life. He's weird and her friends don't understand (not that she's willing to help them). Why are rules for him different that rules for her. Why are we so hard on her for her attitude and yet he gets off easy. And WHY does he not have to work at school and she has to work so hard? Yet she thinks it doesn't matter that he has no friends and she has tons (kids call her on the phone every night, she has invitations for sleep-overs and shopping).

Man, this part of parenting sucks!

She came up to me last night and said, "HE is NOT MY BROTHER! HE is weird and makes my life awful. You spend all your time doing everything for him, you don't love me like you love him. Why did I get stuck with him?" yet, I spend lots of time doing things w/ just her and doing things just for her. (and we have 5 kids-- she only feels this way about him).

She does not like him and makes every effort to make him know this (and make me know that she doesn't like him as well). She thinks he's taunting her-- he's just being autistic.

sigh, I'm ready for this phase to be over! Anyone else have more problems w/ the NT kids sometimes?

Betsy

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Registered: 02-24-2004
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 6:19pm

Betsy,

Yeah...it's starting here now. Tyler has one friend that comes over, and he has yet to tell him that Nathan is autistic. I keep telling him that he should really tell him, because I'm sure he's noticed some quirky things about your brother. Of course, Tyler says, "yeah, he has". But he still feels uncomfortable about doing this. He's been friends with this boy since kindy (now they're in 3rd). So he's known him for quite sometime now.

I get the "you love him more" thing too. Tyler is always bringing up the fact that Nathan doesn't do this, and he doesn't have to do all the things that I have too. I've had discussions with him about Nathan being YOUNGER, and the fact that some things take longer for him to learn. We all learn differently and at our own pace, etc, etc......but it never ends.

Nathan doesn't "play" like Tyler does, so that's a big issue too. Tyler says that Nathan is always busy organizing, lining toys up, and just staring at them.....wanting NO ONE to touch anything!!!! They used to play ok together, Tyler would really help Nathan by showing him what to do, etc. But Nathan seems to be focusing more on himself as he gets older.

I do wonder what their relationship will be like as they get older. Especially when Tyler gets into middle school, becomes interested in girls. He loves sports too, Nathan not so much.

Tyler was talking to his friend on the phone. Nathan seemed upset. I asked him if it was ok that Ty had a friend. He looked sad, and he said, "I want him to only play with me!!" My heart just broke.

michelle

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 6:44pm

Well, I am not in that situation Betsy, but reading it, it sounds alot like typical teen stuff. Autism just gives her an excuse to target him as the problem. This is something I hear about alot with teens. If it wasn't autism it would be just little brother/sister stuff, KWIM? Autism perhaps gives her more ammunition and it can be frustrating to parent children who are different. It is that way on sibs too.

There are often groups out there for sibs of kids with autism. Check into your local autism society. It may be good for her to be involved with a group like that. If not perhaps some therapy for her with a qualified therapist. I send Emily in every so often with the kids therapist so she can work on her "sibling issues" with haveing weird sibs who get away with stuff she doesn't.

There are also some books and such. Just because it is normal teen behavior doesn't make it ok and I know it is upsetting for you. Hopefully she gets through the phase but regardless she is going to need some skills to learn to appreciate him as a brother and be a good sister regardless of his differences and to accept all folks with differences.

Either way, PUBERTY S...Ks!

Renee

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 8:03pm

Oh Betsy--Big Hugs!! I haven't had to deal with this as Jake is the oldest and Katie doesn't know any different. She has no clue that he is quirky-wierd or differnet. I imagine that in a few years she will and I will have to explain it to her or maybe Jake will. He undersatnds his differneces and for the most part except himself-

On a side note I might be in SC on the 14-15th Jan -Grandparents 60th anniversary-haven't decided if I am going to torcher myself with 2 kids in a strange crowd of people-- ;)

Liza

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Registered: 06-25-2003
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 9:18pm

Betsy,

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))),

ITA with Renee. She is at That Age, and if it wasn't her brother, it would be something else. Teenage girls are nasty, sometimes. I'm sure we all went through the same thing. (and in maybe 30 years time, she'll get hers...)

-Paula

-Paula

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