He threw a ball at our blind neighbor!!!

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Registered: 03-27-2003
He threw a ball at our blind neighbor!!!
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Sat, 05-20-2006 - 12:17pm

Our 12 year old neighbor is blind and was outside with DH and the 2 boys, waiting for his mom to get their tandem bike out of the basement. Sam gets anxious around him because he can't see. We talk to Sam about him being a regular kid and all the stuff he can do. Sam says he was trying to throw the ball over the neighbors head and it hit him in the shoulder. DH was watching the baby and the other mom and I were around the corner so we didn't really see anything. But the boy looked really upset when I saw him. DH asked Sam about it and I guess he started spouting off,"well he can't see anything, he's blind!"

I am so ashamed there are no words. Sam has a history if hitting babies out of nowhere in malls...etc when he was a toddler and I thought those days were over. I feel like vomitting. Sometimes I think he's a sociopath because he just doesn't seem to care how his behavior affects people and makes all sorts of rationalizations and excuses when he does these impulsive things.

I know what's really going on....anxiety and impulse control; he doesn't realize what's bothering him, social skills...blah, blah, blah. I don't really care! I feel like someone has taken a melon baller to my heart when he hurts someone else's kid. If he cared at all or he felt a little bit sorry then I'd at least know we could fix it. But he really doesn't seem to feel badly about it. He hates that I'm so upset at him, yes, but it's not the same thing. I sent him to his room for now. He'll be writing a letter to apologize and hopefully the mom will understand if I try to explain. She lives in the apt above us, so it's not like I can avoid her completely.

Well, the day is shot for me. I'm all hormonal and PMSing so I'll most likely be spending most of the day worrying and crying. Which I know doesn't help any.

Chrystee

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Registered: 06-25-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 12:44pm

((((Chrystee)))))

I understand to an extent what you are going through. I have been sitting here trying to compose a post about Peter, who attacked his daycare worker yesterday:

By the time I got there, he was in a regressive state -nonverbal, self injuring and growling. I had to restrain him on the kitchen floor for 15 minutes, pinnign him with my weight, applying deep pressure and having him fight and wrestle to get free (deep prop) before he started to calm down.

Later, he explained some of his "logic": They have "hatched" some butterflies at school, and there was one with a broken wing. Three of the kids wanted to release this one; one of them didn't, and Peter conflicted, had felt obliged to follow the group and agree to release it. So they let it go. It couldn't fly properly and birds started attacking it. I guess they eventually killed it. (where the teacher was and what he was thinking I don't know. That's a seperate e-mail, to a seperate place).

So Peter was devestated about this fricking butterfly. He blamed himself. He felt that if he has stood his ground instead of giving in to peer pressure, that it would have lived (though it would still have been a 3-2 majority, so maybe not). He went back to daycare with all this on his mind, and I am quite sure; told no-one about it.

So why did he attack Harvey (who is a sweet grandad) and resolutely, outright REFUSE to apologise? "I had to be sure that the birds weren't on his side".

?????????

WHERE does he get these thoughts from? There is no accounting for them. We did have a long talk about it afterwards and about how he had been feeling and that he had misdirected anger at Harvey, who was totally innocent in all of this. I don't think he completely accepted my arguements. He verbally agreed, but his eyes weren't there.

These thoughts of his sometimes come out of left field. They come outta TOWN, and I have no idea how to avert them or teach him to understand how inappropriate and unfair thay are.

So I guess I am trying to tell you that you are not alone. I wish I knew how to help you, because I would apply that right back here, too.

-Paula

-Paula

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Registered: 10-03-2004
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 7:05pm

Dear ((((Chrystee )))) and (((((Paula))))),

But they don't know the ramifications of their actions when they are in reaction to what they perceive as a threatening situation. It takes incredible repetition for spectrum kids to be able to fathom other people's points of view when they are frightened. They are so often in fight-or-flight overload, and it is almost impossible for them to take in another person's point of view when they are just hanging on for dear life. How can he care about something that isn't right then a part of his makeup, that doesn't enter his consciousness naturally as it does for other people? And not always for NT people either, BTW.

Does he have to learn? Of course. But he can't just pick this up without the parameters being carefully taught, demonstrated and repeated, repeated, repeated. He can understand the rule on an intellectual plane, but out of context he won't know to relate the words/rule to the situation he was in where he was so anxious. And therein lies the incredible difficulty.

We find that we must appeal to Malcolm's intelligence, keep working with him over and over so he can apply the rules he understands to the myriad different sets of situations that arise. We are having more success now, but you just never know how this will all play out from day to day, moment to moment.

Feel better, definitely have the good cry. Maybe there are creative ways you can get ds to imagine being blind and how it must be for neighbor, but also how things can be OK being blind as well. Can he ride bike? Could he learn to ride tandem bike, eventually wear a blindfold? Could he be blindfolded and led around to smell and hear his neighborhood, maybe try to feel his way around house? How can he be more familiarized with the neighbor as a person so he can get more relaxed about the blindness? I think I would directly address the fear to help him lower it, as he can't do this by himself.

And, Paula, I wonder did the grandfather-ish helper try to talk about the birds and butterflies to Peter? Was there any connection at all whereby his loyalties could have been brought into question? Malcolm doesn't make illogical connections, it just isn't always possible to figure out how the connection happened for Malcolm. Sometimes Malcolm can explain how later.

Poor baby, what a hard scenario and I think I would so speak to the teacher about what happened!!! Yuk.

((((((hugs))))) to you both,

Sara

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Sat, 05-20-2006 - 9:47pm

Thanks for you posts Sara and Paula.

Nothing Sara has written is news to me. I *know* that he doesn't know what he's doing and perhaps why when he's doing it. I *know* we need to somehow teach him how to read his own body. I *know* he needs to be taught other people's perspectives...etc. I know, I know, I know.......that doesn't make me feel any better since nothing we're doing is getting through to him.

I have many problems when it comes to helping him in this area-

I don't know how. We've had trouble trying to get Sam in with a psychiatrist that deals with kids his age with so many issues going on. I'm starting to think I may have to drive a couple of hours to find one. Social skill groups have been the same. Role playing doesn't work; ends up in some kind of fantasy play. I've tried comic stips conversations, but Sam can't read or write and that's just frustrating for him. Social stories have worked so-so.....I don't think I'm consistent enough with them. He looses interest in one after a couple of readings and then it's torture.

Which leads to the question of time.....I don't seem to have enough in the day to do all this stuff with Sam after school, plus homework.....ugh.

And then of course there's getting Sam motivated. Lately he gets so fixated on the reinforcer (tv, play outside, snack...etc.) that he meltsdown doing homework or whatever it is because he wants the reinforcer so bad. It was pretty bad today trying to get him to write the apology note; it took all afternoon from about 11:30 to 3 pm with lots of crying and breaks in between.....for 3 sentences.

I'm not sure what you mean by "appealing to Malcom's intelligence"

I don't mean to sound so negative. We really do alot to try to help Sam. We do alot of coaching when it comes to body language and use of words...etc. We don't expect him to just pick these things up. He's not really interested in learning something that is difficult for him, which seems to be everything (he has a reading and math disability as well) He's so stressed out after school, just getting him to do his small amount of homework is a chore. That usually takes us to 4pm or later. Then he gets tv time, then it's dinner, and then some play time. By then it's bed time. The day is gone and I haven't done any of the extra things that I know I'm supposed to do.

Chrystee

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Sat, 05-20-2006 - 10:38pm
I'm so sorry you're having a tough time! You've articulated my big frustration: children who don't know better (but look like they should so people judge you when they don't), children who require extra time just to accomplish normal activities let alone extras, children who are often sad/frustrated because few friends or unable to do things other kids do, children who don't seem to "get" the help we're trying to provide, not enough hours in the day to provide the kids what they need, no services available, etc. So many of the books I've read in the last few months since getting a Dx talk about what amusing kids our Asperger's/NLD children are. One example was a kid who, while mowing the lawn, kept throwing the rotten lemons from the ground (off their tree) into the neighbor's yard, not realizing that what he was doing could create a problem for the neighbor. The therapist mom and dad enjoyed a good chuckle while observing the action. (I'm guessing they rectified the situation later.) While reading the story, I realized my reaction would be "What the heck are you doing child?! Stop throwing those lemons right now!" I wouldn't see any humor in the situation at all. I'm trying and trying to get a more positive attitude and approach, tho' I confess I'm not doing very well. Most of the time I'm feeling the way you've expressed and am just grateful I can come here and vent or ask questions. Anyway, I don't have any answers, but I have loads of sympathy and understanding. Best wishes and hugs!
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Sat, 05-20-2006 - 11:05pm

Dear Chrystee,

You sound exhausted. Forgive me for not remembering, but have you had a fairly recent dx with Sam? In the last year? Or you've been at this longer, but are really going through a rough time? I do remember that school has been very difficult and that you are needing more from your school district in terms of understanding and support.

It sounds like Sam is in need of as much calming and de-stressing as he can get. And you, too. I do know you are all working so hard. I certainly don't mean to suggest that you aren't.. When Malcolm has been really stressed, all our world becomes very, very difficult, even with all the help we have. Stress is the enemy. Why not write his teacher and get rid of the homework for the rest of year? I have done this when really needing to get a grip on anxiety and exhaustion. What else unwinds him? Anything physical? Swimming is great for us, I have been known to blow off homework, afterschool activities (except therapeutic ones) and just head for the pool every night for a few weeks, home to TV, food, cuddle time, easy easy stuff, lower that stress at all costs.

So much of where we are currently at with our boy is directly because of all the years of constant help Malcolm has had -- extra OT (learning to manage his sensory overload), speech, play therapy, behavioral modification therapy, psychotherapy, etc. He is really used to having help with dealing with his anxiety, responsibility for his actions, working on strategies to help him cope. I don't think I could have ever done all this for him on my own. I know how to reinforce what he has been learning from so many experts.

So, when I appeal to his intelligence, we can talk back over things that happened, work on future plans. We do role-play. I always wait for him to calm down first. Often, we wait til a few days have passed so he has enough distance on event to talk calmly and rethink things.

Tonight (he is an avid and early reader) we wrote out rules and structures for his 6th upcoming Little League baseball game tomorrow, because last Sunday he got too anxious and broke a few "rules" we hadn't known to work on yet, such as when the other team starts to get ahead by hitting in more runs and your team's fielding is falling apart, well, that is NOT a good time to lie down on the grass in the outfield to try and calm your panicking brain and nerves down because you are afraid of losing and that you are going to come apart out there -- why not? because --- a) the coach gets VERY angry, b) the rest of your team needs you to be looking for the ball in your part of the outfield (must do your job, you are letting them down), c) it looks weird (for a player to lie on the ground) and d) you'll never learn to get better at playing baseball by lying in the grass. (all his responses, both written and spoken, to my fill-in-the-blank question.) I am NOT telling him that if he does this again, he might get kicked off team (coach was indeed really angry, but is trying to understand), but we will be going over the rules a few times tomorrow before game...

When we have been in periods of time where nothing seems to be working with Malcolm, I know now that we have to scale back our expectations of him and focus on just a few important things, whatever he really needs most immediately, and make sure he can handle what is expected of him --- and drop of what he can't handle, until he can. Success breeds success. If he is unreachable, he is being pushed too hard and his world needs to be more manageable for him. I have no idea if this will be helpful to you or not, but I know it is bottom-line true for us.

And Rome was not built in a day, this is a long-term creative process. Finding and implementing appropriate services can be such a further struggle, compounded by all those immediate needs. My feelings of overwhelm needs to be addressed constantly as well, so I can continue this challenging process no matter what, 'cuz when Malcolm is really struggling, it is so easy for me to also fall apart. When you are too tired yourself, there is not much extra you can do at all.

((((HUGS)))) I obviously never want anything I write to be discouraging to you, I only hope that in something I write, there is an idea that will help...

yours,

Sara
ilovemalcolm

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Sun, 05-21-2006 - 12:39am

Chrystee,

I just wanted to send you some hugs. I am not sure there is much I can say that hasn't been said. I am betting you are not in a place tonight where you can feel like you can fight the good fight but are just frustrated beyond belief. Maybe you even feel it is hopeless. I have been there too. And I have had situations where my kids behavior just horrified me and made me feel awful.

Big big hugs. Hope a better day comes soon. One will come. They always do even when it feels hopeless. then we remember why we love them so darn much.

Renee

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Sun, 05-21-2006 - 12:40am

Paula,

I am so sorry my friend. That rots too. I hope Peter has a better tomorrow and loads of better tomorrows to come.

Renee

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Sun, 05-21-2006 - 2:01am

Thanks.

I just got an e-mail back from the teacher. A completely different version of events.
I don't know anymore. I don't disbelieve anybody. I just wish I could influence perception.

...or at least understand it.

-Paula

-Paula

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Registered: 04-11-2003
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 7:15am

Chrystee, sending you cyber hugs!

Samantha

Samantha
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Mon, 05-22-2006 - 11:40am

I just need to thank you guys again. I can't say enough how much the board helps when I need to vent to people who will understand. I'm one of those people that need to talk talk talk the moment something happens. I feel badly for Sam because sometimes I can't shut myself up!

An update.... I was more concerned about what Sam said. We've been working on "fixing our mistakes" by apologizing as soon as something happens or trying it again, finishing homework. Sam's been doing great with apologizing to his baby bro lately. He tends to rationalize and blame other people for his impulsivity. I think that started from asking him why he does something and since he doesn't know why and feels like he needs to say something he makes things up that seem logical to him. We've tried to get out of that habit, but it's a tough one to break!

It turns out that the neighbor boy didn't hear what Sam said and didn't tell his mom about it. She found out from our apology letter. Mom is concerned because son doesn't say anything when something like that happens and needs help standing up for himself. She is worried that someday someone will hit him on purpose and won't be sorry about it. She also is working on his social skills. She offered to have Sam over to play video games or something afterschool sometime so both kids can benefit. I feel bad that this had to happen for us to become better aquainted!

We've also decided to cut back Sam's tv time to just an hour at a time. It's hard to get him back after he's sat tuned out for more than an hour. He can watch more than an hour a day, but not all at one time. And we've decided that chocolate is going to be a weekend only treat. He's been so obsessed with both chocolate and tv lately, there's never enough of either. I don't know how much it will help, but at least I feel like I'm doing something!!! LOL

Chrystee

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