He turns 4, should be happy day but...
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| Tue, 05-23-2006 - 2:06pm |
it wasn't. My husband told his co-worker (I was suprised by my dh's articulation) that it was my dh's saddest days of his life. For most kids, their birthday is one of the favorite days of the year but not for Mitchell. A birthday is different and different means NO, different means meltdown, different means anxiety. Mitchell seemed overwhelmed by the thought of it. Don't worry I didn't go overboard, no way. FYI - We do not know if Mitchell is on the spectrum for sure yet but one doc has said Rule out PDD and one doc has said he shows autistic behaviors tho he isn't autistic. (I can't help wonder about the other initials, OCD or ODD.) Anyway, we could not sing happy birthday to him, he didn't let the kids in his special ed preschool sing to him, he put himself in time out at school, and he wouldn't wear any birthday crowns. I took him to toys r us to use a gift card and have fun. He actually did ok in the store but he wouldn't let them announce his name on the speaker or say happy birthday to him. He told me he was going to throw his presents in the garbage. When he woke up that day and saw his gifts wrapped, I had them where I thought he wouldn't see them, he threw them. He said he wanted to make me sad. In the end he did want to open presents. We made the most of it of course. I am excited he's four and proud of him but my worries about my son weight heavily upon me. I feel that it is difficult to cope and some days feel way worse than others.
I did make a call to someone in the Detroit area who I saw on a different board was recommended and who one neurologist recommended. He is a psychologist with specialty in PDD realm. Every call, every appt weighs you down. Even though i don't feel like i'm dwelling on it, it's there in the back of my mind.
thanks for listening.
Wendy (dd 9, ds 4)

Hi Wendy,
I can just feel your sadness in your post. (((((hugs))))) Your ds sounds so much like mine did at that age. Billy absolutely hated birthdays. His, other kids, anyone's for that fact. He hated the song, told people loudly to stop singing. Screamed when they brought the b-day cake out. Refused the hats etc. He's only had two birthday parties.. his first and second. This huge hatred of birthdays was actually the impetus for us to get him tested. He has AS so a lot of the problem was sensory issues. But I think you hit the nail on the head with the change in routine or anything different. We stopped doing birthday parties for Bill and would let him chooses a restaurant (the child LOVES going out to dinner) and then we would go to TrU and he could pick his present. We never wrapped stuff because he hated that too. It's so hard because you figure what kid doesn't want to get presents...so it's disappointing and sad. But now as the years have passed and B is older, he's been expressing interest in having a small party. Generally we avoid all birthday parties because they have been torturous for us. We also try to make the most of what does make Bill happy and comfortable and it sounds like that's what you are doing as well. I guess that's my best advice is to take your cues from your ds. Good luck and take care.
Jen
Jen
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(((((((Wendy))))))),
I think we can all relate. I doubt there is a mom on this board who hasn't gone through something similar on a day that was supposed to be "fun". It is very stressful and confusing and disappointing.
We changed the way we celebrate birthdays and holidays, because our kids just couldn't handle more conventional ideas of "fun". We often go out as a family, just the four of us. A while ago: Peter was offered a parent "date" as a reward and all he wanted to do was go to the shore and throw rocks in the Long island Sound. So that's what they did. He's a cheap date! lol
-Paula
a lot of the traditire-ordered our lives and priorities and
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Jen,
Hi. Thanks for the support. I really appreciated it today. I'm sorry to hear the same kind of thing goes for you but learning I wasn't alone did make me feel better. I guess that is what this board is about. I know we have to let go of some of our expecations and I am sure that they will be filled with lots of other great things but getting there isn't easy. I'm glad to hear it's possible and others have done it.
Thank you again.
Wendy
OMG!!! This was my son at age 3!!!!
Wendy,
so sorry for the tough day. Hopefully in the future you can find a way to make his birthday special in a way that is good for him and for you all and you can enjoy it together as a family. It has taken my other kids a bit but we don't do typical birthdays either. Ours are alot quieter and I don't do parties anymore. But we try to make the day so the kiddo feels special and that is nice. Maybe a schedule in advance of preferred quiet activities and special time with family would be just what the aspie ordered.
I understand your sadness too. Recently in another place a mom had written about grieving over diagnosis and loss of dreams. I told her I never really grieved over the loss of future dreams. I don't know what the future holds. But I grieve when my kids aren't able to participate or enjoy things that thier typical peers can easily. Birthdays are one of those things. It isn't thoughts of future wives that kill me, it is how will they view thier childhood?
Once, (this is silly I know) but a friend has a son my son's age. He was in baseball and she was telling me about how his team had the best record in thier league and was going to the championship game and that KILLED me. Just the fact of that feeling of being on a team when you are a kid and the excitement when you do well and trying hard and being part of something. Knowing that this wasn't a possibility for my particular son killed me. Not that I want him to be an athlete or jock. I just want something, anything he feels really good about participating in. that "remember when". But sometimes it feels like my kids "remembers whens" are all about therapy of one kind or another. I know that isn't totally true but still. Those things that I see typical kids doing and having fun, and my kids can't do or can't enjoy. That hurts.
Renee
Dear Melanie,
Many people here at this board did not find out their children had PDD or Asperger's until their children were considerably older, even in their teens. Not everyone can tell if their child is autistic. Many doctors won't even diagnose it when children are as young as your son or the OP, and sadly there are those who adamently deny it when the children actually ARE spectrum, and those children miss out on therapy and understanding during crucial years. Not that there aren't experts who can more accurately diagnose younger, there are, but in high-functioing children, it can be very, very hard to tell. This is why we so recommend going for more opinions, being thorough in pursuing a diagnosis and services as soon as possible. And you are right that some children outgrow symptoms, but many do not. And meltdowns in a 3 - 4 year old are still fairly forgiven in this society, but not in an older child.
Your brother was able to be diagnosed by 4 because of his particular symptoms. Every single child on the spectrum is completely different. I think it can be harder for parents who have intimate details of one child who is dx'ed to then see spectrum in another child, who is so radically different from the first.
Sara
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