Help with Husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Help with Husband
5
Sat, 03-01-2008 - 7:03pm

My husband, God love him, loves his family very, very much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sat, 03-01-2008 - 7:35pm

Hi, my kids were dx-d last April, almost a full year ago and my husband is still in some what a state of deniel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Sat, 03-01-2008 - 8:31pm

The only thing I can think of is to approach it from his point of view in terms of whatever his relationship to his children are.


My DH is not really worried about our 6 year old Aspie child long-term, such as middle school. But DH does do homework with him. And DH is worried about his getting a poor grade on a spelling test he could ace this Friday because he does not follow the instructions. (Makes pictures out of the letters, writes homynoms (?) instead of the intended word as a joke, etc.) Therefore, he buys into interventions and therapies for that kind of goal. He understands how sensory things and "heavy work" give him more endurance for writing, and DH is motivated

APOV on Autism
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Sat, 03-01-2008 - 9:00pm

Hi and welcome!!


I am currently separated from my h......the divorce is almost final.

Avatar for toryanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 03-02-2008 - 1:31am

Well, for us, DH is deployed a lot so he doesn't spend a lot of time at home and see the quirks. There are times when he'll blow up at Vic for no reason such as hiding from new people, or saying PIE. For the most part, he feels that Victor should be learning how to control the quirks and it should be pointed out to him that he's acting socially "inappropriately" so he can correct the problem. He's gotten better as Victor gets older. When he was younger, he'd yell at him and I'd spend half my time telling him to quit yelling and half my time calming a panicked kid. Now he will tell Victor "It hurts my feelings when you go hide behind Mommy when I'm trying to introduce you to someone I work with. I wish you'd at least stay out where they could see you. You don't have to shake his hand, just stay where he can see you." He explains his position now and offers alternatives to the situation. As a result, Victor is starting to see his dad as someone who cares a lot.


I am STILL often accused of "babying" Victor by DH and his family. They aren't going to understand what is going on unless they are faced with the problem. My MIL told me there is nothing wrong with Vic, but if Vic has a melt down, she's right there trying to get eye contact and getting him to breathe and calm down. It's all on how much their minds can handle.


Now here is an oddity. WHAT IF your husband isn't in denial? What if he's an aspie as well and that's why he depends on you to tell him what is going on? Victor is 11 years old and still depends on his sister to cut out the middle man and explain what is going on quickly. It's possible that his lack of empathy, social cues, etc all add up to not being able to communicate properly. DH just realized in the last year that a lot of things that Victor does, he did as a child. He won't get tested to see if he's an aspie because he's learned how to communicate on his own but won't stop me from seeking help for Vic. Also, my DH, like yours, depends on me to cut to the chase so to speak. I have to break down the bills, doctor visits, mechanic appointments as plain as possible so that he can get going on to the next thing.


Just my two cents.


Alexis


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Sun, 03-02-2008 - 6:20am
I hate to say this, but men really are from mars!LOL I think women are quicker to recognize problems because we notice every little detail. We are also more likely to seek out help rather than pretend it will all go away. We solve problems by vocalizing and communicating our feelings and guys seem less comfortable with that. I think men are more likely to view their son's difficulties as a sign of their own weakness or frailty. Women are not. I liked the suggestion of meeting other people dealing with the same issues. Perhaps you could seek out a support group on your own and if there are guys attending bring your husband along as well. In either case you will probably find many women dealing with the same issue.