Help! I'm afraid to have another child!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Help! I'm afraid to have another child!
10
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 9:27am
I notice a lot of people on this board have a 2nd or third child, so maybe you can help me with this. I am coming up for 39 yrs (in December), and Cassian will be 4 yrs in November. I find myself fearing having a 2nd child but at the same time wanting another. I will admit that one reason I would like a second child is because I would love to have a kid who can have a conversation with me and who will give me a little more validation as a parent. I would also love to have a daughter.

We just came off this awful year of unemployment and still haven't sold our house in Kansas, so next year would not be the best time to have another child. However, I am nearing that 40 year imaginary cutoff, so I worry. The townhouse we have rented has only 2 bedrooms, and Cassian still sleeps in our bed. DH and I don't really know where we will put another child (probably me in one bed nursing, and him in the other with Cassian). I was exhausted during my pg with Cassian, and I can hardly imagine running around after Cassian while pregnant.

Still, I find myself wishing for another child and feeling that time is running out. My biggest reservation is how Cassian will react to a sibling. I dread his reaction to a new baby, who needs my attention a lot. Anyway, that's what I'm struggling with right now. I was hoping those of you with more than one child could reassure me that your AS kid survived having siblings in the early years. Your advice and stories would be appreciated.

Suzi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 3:09pm
That is a hard decision to have to make. I had my 3 children within a year

apart, so I had 3 running around in diapers and bottles all at the

same time. Tim was 3, Lacie 2, and Sean was almost 1 when

a deathly accident happened. So needless to say, AS kids

have to be watched constantly. Sean is still alive but

a few seconds later and he wouldn't be. I'm not saying that to

cause a scare but to reinforce what you said about AS needing

alot of attention. When Tim was my oldest and lacie was the

new baby, Tim liked to go get the diaper, bottle or whatever

to help me a little. It was a little easier to keep giving him

constant attention when it was just the 2.

If you decide to have another one, the little one you have will be

5 or maybe 6 by the time of the new ones arrival so It could be

a better situation. by then he will probably be in school, right?

Whatever you decide, I'm sure you will be a great mom to 2 children

all at the same time. Mine are 12, 11 and almost 10 now and we lived

and are getting through the rough times.

Avatar for mamabearof2
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 8:19pm
My DS-PDD-NOS is my first child however we did not know he had the disorder. He was 4 years old when his brother was born (in fact just turned four four days before he was born) and was wonderful with his little brother however I made sure that he had his special attention also. I was raised in a family that showed major favortism and I did not want my child to feel left out like my older brother or I did when we were growing up. Jimmy wanted Kyle to be his baby and we engaged him in caring for Kyle such as helping change the diapers and this made him even prouder. Of course I can not say how Cassian would react but this is my 2 cents on my boys. Today they are 11 and 15 and are close.

Good Luck-

Linda (who wanted a girl the second time around and still ended up with a boy--but happy to have both of my sons)

Linda5Fburgerbear.jpg image by suzyqe1            &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 8:41pm
Okay, rebecca now I am terribly curious and don't mean to be rude but what happened to sean? i'd understand if you don't want to share, i usually cringe anyway when i hear about close calls.

bless

bugs

Avatar for mamabearof2
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 8:49pm
I was wondering the same thing Bugz!

Linda5Fburgerbear.jpg image by suzyqe1            &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 6:00am
Hi Suzi,(warning, long)

I can certainly understand how you feel right now. While we didn't have any reservations of any kind about having a second baby after Ayla was born, it was a whole different story with Jade. Ayla didn't seem 'abnormal' as a baby and toddler, infact she seemed like a dream baby. She was quite (not crying all the time), easily self-entertained (not constantly needing mom or dad to cater to her), and she was a very 'clean' baby (she organized her crib, playpin, etc). So we had her next yongest sister, Sammi, without any reservations. We had planned to have our kids 2 years apart each. Sam is almost 2 yrs younger than Ayla, and Jade is exactly 2 yrs younger than Sam (birthdays are 6 days apart).

But there were significant problems with Jade from the beggining. We knew right away that we wouldn't be able to have another baby until she was older. She was on machines when she was born and needed constant care. When she was 4 she finally started talking and that was the que to have another baby for us. So, along came Eva.

We had some pretty big questions about 'how would Jade handle having a new baby around', but she turned out to be great about it. She was very currious about the whole thing. Not so much WHERE babies came from, rather What would be HER part in raising it. LOL. She fully expected to have responsabilities in regards to 'the new baby'. And when Eva was born she was very dissapointed at first that there was nothing for *her* to do. She was too young to change a daiper and I was breastfeeding. BUT, Eva was dx'd with Diabetes when she was 2 weeks old so out went the breastfeeding and in came the prescription formula. I let Jade hold the bottle for Eva while I held the baby once in a while, and she loved that. She also got to fetch things for the baby like clean diapers, washcloths, etc.

When Eva was very little we didn't have any problems with Jade. But when Eva became ambulatory that's when the problems started. Jade would get all wound up over 'the baby' touching her toys or messing with her shoes. She would scream at her and push her down. It took a while but we were able to teach her that this was NOT acceptable.

The biggest problem we have had was the time Jade tried to stab Eva in the stomach with a pencil. She wasn't actually trying to hurt her, it was just that Eva (b/c of her diabetes) is very.....round, and Jade wondered if she would pop like a balloon if she ran her through. It hadn't dawned on her that this action might hurt her sister. She was still of the oppinion that anything she broke Daddy could always fix. We had a very, Very, VERY long talk with her about that line of thinking and nothing like that has ever happened again. We have, as a result of Jade's younger years, taken a different approach to raising Eva and Angel and we now explain actions/concequences to the younger ones BEFORE any attemps at stabbing are made.

To be honest, even with the hardships, I wouldn't do it any other way if given a chance. Jade really started to excell the most after Eva was born. And we haven't had abnormal problems over Angel at all so far.

Whether or not to have another child is a very personal choice. We are honored that you would come to us for advice on the matter. My personal advice would be to have another one if you really want one. I think Cassian will probably do fine because he is older and you can rationally teach him how to interact with his new sibling. If he were younger my advice would be to wait, even though that clock in ticking. But as has already been said, he will be 5 or 6 when the new baby is born, that's old enough to understand what's going on. Also remember, Aspies like to feel important, and there's nothing like getting to help out with a new sibling to make that feeling happen. He'll be the 'Big Boy' now, the 'Older Brother' who can do all sorts of things to be helpful. AND you can impress upon him that as the new baby grows older, becomes a toddler, there will be all sorts of things he can teach the younger one, like coloring, and playing with blocks, riding a tricycle, or just how to put on a coat. Jade loves getting to teach Eva new stuff, and now that Angel is getting older (gee she's a wize old 8 months, lol) Jade gets to help her learn to talk by being careful to speak purposfully when the baby is around *(we MUST set a good example, lol).

As far as the sleeping arraingements are concerned, I think it might work to your advantage. Jade was still climbing in bed with us when I got pregnant with Eva. But the Dr said that b/c of my past history of early delivery by NO MEANS was Jade to sleep in our bed while I was pregnant (she kicks a lot). But we were able to explain to her WHY and she took it quite well. DH had to go sit with her for a while while she got used to sleeping though the night in her own bed, but it was worth it. Of course, he DID end up sleeping through the night in a stting position on the foot of her bed a few times, LOL.

That's my two cents for what ever it's worth. It's a hard descision to make and all I can really do is tell you how it worked out for us. We don't regret having 6 kids, even though 3 are on the Spectrum. They have learned more from each other than they ever could from other kids.

Peace,

Candes

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 12:53pm
I'll write a group "thank you" this time. It is both heartwarming and encouraging to hear all of your stories. I guess we will all have to wait to see what happens, as I am still a little squeamish about having a #2.

Suzi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 8:25pm
I don't want to write this to worry anyone at all. Perhaps there are some (most)

here that haven't heard about it. This story was published on Ivillage

a few years back. I used to let people stay with me who otherwise

would be on the streets or heaven knows where. This one

girl left a lighter in the back seat of my car. It was one of those

marlboro promotional NON childproof type of lighters.

I was taking continuing education classes in Nov 94. I had all 3

of my kids in the car. All strapped in the back seat. Sean was the

baby so he was in one of those bigger type car seats. Lacie and Tim

both were in booster seats. I drove up to my school, and being that

I parked about 10 feet from the front door, I left the kids in the

car. (not running, turned off) I went to the door and didn't have plans

to go in, I just hollered for my teacher to come out. She was on the

phone so I waited a few minutes. When she got off the phone I

was telling her to sign me up for a test that was going to be given

soon. All the sudden the 2 oldest kids got out of the car and

was saying "Fire Mommy Fire" in a pretty calm voice. I thought

they smelled the surrounding chimneys familiar winter smell. I walked them

back to the car and was telling them I'll be there in a minute and I saw

Sean crying, fighting, hitting at the fire the best he could. Screaming.....

AT that point, I reached in to get him out of the car seat. It wouldn't

budge. At the same time trying to unbuckle him, I was also trying to unbucle the whole

seat, whichever one comes out first. I was able to get him out and held

him close to me, smothering out the fire. My teacher drove us to the hospital

where they had to cut off his remaining clothes, and prepared him for the

helicopter flight to parkland burn unit. Once they got him sedated,

the came and cut off all my rings and wrapped both of my hands up like

q tips... I found a ride from the church to take me to the hospital

where sean was.

Tim had light the lighter and caught Seans flannel blanket on fire.

It rapidly caught on to his flannel jogging suit.

My Ex husband wanted custody of our daughter for so long and he

thought he had a chance to get her when this happened. He told the

police that I caused the fire. Therefore, causing an investigation

into where they cut up my whole car for samples. (this was unfounded

of course). I had to do all the police stuff and also the Child

protection stuff. This even keeps me from being able to get a

daycare license to ever work in a daycare facility.

We see people all the time leave their kid in the car to run a quick

errand, even walking into the post office, put air or gas in a

car, go knock on the door to pick someone up for a ride. You hardly

ever saw anyone lug out 3 babies from a car to do something so quick.

But it is neglectful if an accident happens.

So, that's the story about that. It's not to worry anyone, just

to let ya'll know what I was mysteriously talking about.

Avatar for mamabearof2
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 10:07pm
It is tragic how a random act of kindness can turn so bad. I am sorry you and your family had to go through that horrible experience. How is Sean now? You mentioned that you cannot get a day care license, I was wondering in your state how long do they keep people on the registry? Here in Iowa it is 10 years if founded and placed on the registry which if your state is the same wouldn't you be able to start one next year?

Best wishes,

Linda

Linda5Fburgerbear.jpg image by suzyqe1            &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Sat, 09-13-2003 - 6:09pm
I wasn't sure what the laws were, or that I couldn't get a job at a daycare

until I tried one time and the director had to tell me why. (I was already

working as a temp). I could of fought it I guess. I will check in and

see what the laws are here. Sean is doing well. He was 17 percent of his

body burned and had to have several skin grafts and hand surgeries.

he's missing the end part of his right pointing finger. His right torso,

and leg is scarred. He's not self consious (thank god!) He's happy.

And no one would know what happened. He has adapted to use his

left hand, even though he favors his right. And he can still

throw a mean football and play basketball.
Avatar for mamabearof2
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2003
Sat, 09-13-2003 - 7:28pm
Good to hear that he is doing well. If you want to do that kind of work then it would be nice to check into to it. I know about that stuff for Iowa because I work with the state but not for the state and the subject comes up frequently. I suggest to people to get a lawyer and fight the "confirmed" report if they really feel that they did not do anything wrong.

I am not the type of person to work in a day care. Day care people are awesome!!!!

Thanks for sharing your story.

Linda

Linda5Fburgerbear.jpg image by suzyqe1            &nb