Holding your child back a grade

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Registered: 03-28-2003
Holding your child back a grade
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Fri, 11-30-2007 - 8:12pm

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Edited 11/30/2007 9:55 pm ET by littleroses


Edited 11/30/2007 9:56 pm ET by littleroses


Edited 2/19/2008 10:51 am ET by littleroses

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 9:04pm

LR,


What's the deal? Can she only get adult services if she moves to the middle school? if so, I would think about moving her this year and holding her back at a later time. Otherwise she will lose a year of adult services, right?


But what do I know? I am not in your shoes or your DD's. It is a tough decision. What does your gut tell you? Also, have you asked your DD what she thinks of the idea?

-Paula

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 9:40pm

If I am not mistaken the school systems are responsible for SpEd students till they are 21, if they don't graduate with the rest of their class. From what I have have been told. If they don't graduate with in what would be considered their "expected" year of graduation. It doesnt matter if they are Special ed or not, it counts against the district when they present their numbers of graduates /year. It doesn't matter if they graduate 2-3 years after their expected year. all it matters in their numbers is the kid gradues "on time"


The other issue that has been pointed out to me is Self Esteem isues when you hold a child back.


I will be honest. I have seriously thought about holding Josh back several times. And each time the district well throws out the self esteem issue at me and that services etc. Personally, I wouldhave liked to hold him back in 4th grade, because I was afraid of our middle school (5th and 6th

Avatar for littleroses
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Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 9:52pm

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Registered: 11-30-2007
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 10:03pm

I held my son back and it has paid off 10 fold. I was staunchly against this move, to hold him back. I grew up in the NYC school system, where being "left back" left a permanent "scarlet letter" on your back for life. This belief was also reinforced by my parents who were 45 years old when I was born.


I felt as if I was the only adult protecting my son from a constant reminder that he hadn't "made the grade". I did admit to myself that he was very immature for his age (even though we are talking Kindergarten here). He first took Kindergarten in a school specializing in Autistic/Aspberger type children. My wife and I made him repeat Kindergarten in the "mainstream".


My son has Flourished. The sense of familiarity with his academics gave him tremendous confidence. He is now in 2nd grade. They have removed his aid. Except for some late muscle development, coordination issues, and occasional teasing, it was a very good decision.


I'm sad to say that other families that we know, in similar situations, did not fair as well. They pushed there children on to the next level. Those children eventually fell behind (as the teachers did not or would not devote the proper time to them). Those families are now in law suits with their school districts, sending their children to expensive private schools, etc.


I was prepared to have my son live with me for as long as I lived. So, another year was well worth the investment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 11:21pm

I think that it might be okay to hold her back a year.

                                

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 6:51am
Maybe I'm missing something, but the way I understand it she'll only receive two years of support after graduation instead of three because she'll be in school receiving the support for that extra year. She still gets support until she's 21 no matter how many of those years are spent in school or out. I would probably opt for holding her back based on what you've described. My son is above his classmates academically but far behind socially and emotionally. I wanted to hold him back for one more year of preschool but they insisted he was too smart and would be bored if I did. I still regret that decision. He's in fourth grade now and every year we struggle with behavior issues.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 10:31am

I think you have to go with your gut on this one. From what DH tells me research wise there is no proof that holding kids with autism back helps at all but this is in your typical retention type situation. Actually, for kids with special needs in general often holding them back for academic purposes typically doesn't work because they don't need more time, they need specialized intervention.

However, in this case you are looking at going into a middle school type situation when she is in a safer, better environment at this time. But she is going to have to make that transition at some point regardless of what we moms want to do. So you have to ask yourself how will holding her back help her better prepare for this transition? How would you use the year to help prepare her and is she as ready for that transition as she is going to be?

I think I would check out her next school and what teachers she will have and if they are good. Also take into consideration any social contacts she may have been working on or made with the students in her class that will be moving up. If she has any "friends" in her current class those contacts and supports you have been working on will be gone and she will have to start over in her new grade. Even if she doesn't have close friends per se, if she has been being mainstreamed then there are students in her current classes who already know and understand her. There are always some mother types, etc. who would be good to be near when they all enter the new school together.

I do NOT get the sped directors point of worrying about adult services at this point. She is going to be 21 when she is 21 regardless of if she was held back in 4th grade. Is she saying you shouldn't worry about school because she is going to get adult services anyway? that is a pretty nasty comment.

Though we should always be considering the future, it is what is best for her at this time which you must base your decision on.

I would consider 2 things:
1) How good is the next class compared with this one and which teacher can provide the best education for your dd at this time. Even if the last one was really good, after a few years a change is good because a new set of eyes can often do new things and lead a child on further.

2) How will it affect her social relationships if she is held back. Again, even if she doesn't have close "friends" these kids have known her for years and relationships have been developed that will have to start over. If she has any supportive type peer relationships you may want to keep her in that class.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 10:37am

"I wanted to hold him back for one more year of preschool but they insisted he was too smart and would be bored if I did. I still regret that decision. He's in fourth grade now and every year we struggle with behavior issues."

Don't kick yourself for that. One of the central challenges of autism spectrum disorders is behavioral issues. It is very likely that he would have behavior challenges whether in 3rd grade or 4th grade. If he was bored in preschool it is possible he would have shown behavior then from being bored. Behavior is communication and he is communicating something with his behavior.

Cait is on grade academically (8th grade, 13yo)with some academic struggles as she gets older but socially/emotionally she is more like a 9yo and sometimes younger. There is no way I could have held her back to where she was emotionally and if I did she would be the only 4th grader with boobs, hips, and the size of an adult. Even now when she plays the little kid games with her sister or makes her sister play dolls with her (emily is outgrowing that even and Cait is just moving into that) it looks odd. It is part of the whole package of autism unfortunately.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 1:09pm
Of course you are right. I'm sure we would be dealing with behavior issues no matter when we sent him. In my son's case he was a late September birthday so it was more a question of sending him early as the school suggested or letting him wait until he was 5. Now, not only does he deal with Asperger's issues but he also deals with the frustration of being one of the youngest, smallest boys in the grade. I think it makes him an even greater target for bullies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2007
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 8:16pm
Hi,
We were in the exact same position last year. Our school district is the same as yours, 5th and 6th is in a different school, and is more challenging than elem. We decided to hold ds back. Although he is right on target academically; socially, emotionally he is very behind. So far this year it is working out great. His anxiety level has really gone down, and his self confidence has gone up. I don't regret the decision now. At first I did, I really beat myself up about it, but I see how well he is doing this year and feel good about it. Good luck, and know that whatever decision you make is the best for your dd. All of our kiddos are different, and all schools are different.
Carey

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