Holy Pooo - DH's response
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| Fri, 03-09-2007 - 4:29pm |
I have to cut and paste this here. DH definitely went way beyond what I intended to do with my email. Whoa Nelly! Made some changes for privacy sake (names, etc)
"I received copies of some emails between you and Renee, concerning homework issues for our daughter, Caiti. I am copying this email to (director of special ed), because someone in the (our) District needs to hear these issues out besides you. The VUSD website is very cryptic for an outsider (with very little information), and it makes it very hard to locate contact information. There is no website for the Special Education Department, nor a directory for central office staff, Glen is not included here (but please forward this to him if you can, as well as your site administrator).
Homework is funny item when it comes to public education. Nowhere in the federal and state laws does it state homework as having any standards. The word "homework" exists NO SINGLE place in the California State Education Code. By definition, "homework" is supposed to be what the student can do at the independent level, and is thus a purely discretionary item between teacher and parent. Even the NCCSE acknowledges homework is completely negotiable between parent and teacher.
As you may be aware, Renee and I have been in education for many years. I am currently teaching in my 17th year. Renee has been in a variety of teaching and volunteer positions in that time span. So, we are not naive parents. In addition, we have both been in the professional field of autism since 1993. From a parental and professional point of view, we have employed a variety of strategies to support Caiti's homework. From our perspective, it can be insulting to suggest strategies to improve Caiti's homework - strategies that have not worked despite many efforts over the past eight years. We completely agree with you that independence is a great goal for Caitlin. But as countless research in this field demonstrates, independence does not happen by itself or by simply adding incentives and rewards for Caiti.
We need to modify the homework - and we need to modify it now. What Caiti is reporting to you is not 100% true. In fact, Caiti has a long history of saying things to get her off the hook - or what she thinks will get her off the hook. She does this as a coping technique - pure fight or flight response (Caiti will always flee). Her behavior is telling us she is stressed over the homework issue because she does not have the right information in front of her. You may see this at school, and we understand that. But, it is well documented in the professional literature that people with and autism spectrum disorder do not generalize skills easily. She is struggling bridging school and home, and we as adults need to help build that bridge. THAT is the road to independence, rather than a punitive threat she has to fear every Friday.
In the best-selling book Freakonomics, the authors explain life decisions come down to a risk v. benefit analysis. For Caiti, right now the risk of going to Friday School is not offset by any benefit, especially when she spends a good portion some nights crying over what some ignorant general education teacher said to her between classes, or some bullying peers hiding her clarinet and she misses the bus. This is Caiti's life, and she takes home all the stresses from her day. She does a darn good job holding it together at school compared to previous years. But we need to find a way so she does not feel her life is too busy to get her homework done. There is a message she is communicating through her behavior. Are we all listening and are we hearing the same message?"
Then followed by his signature with credentials listed. The bummer for the teacher is that if she were in his district, he would be her boss. lol.
GO DAD! GO DAD!
Well, he is useless often but when he gets motivated he is awfully good to have on the team. I can go play good cop now.
Renee


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OMG! That is the most incredible thing I've ever seen written by a parent! HUGE THUMBS UP FOR DAD!!! HE ROCKS!!!
Man...I wonder if my DH could step up to the plate like that? He's fairly passive, but if pushed, maybe.
Amy
That's incredible!!! Woohoo. If that doesn't knock some sense into that teacher I don't know what will.
Samantha
it appears that PapaBear has come out of hibernation. Good thing too, because The Lads are in Anchorage... or somewhere between there and Nome, anyhoo,
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Well, though, I have to say now after a bit I am a bit nervous about the outcome of this. It certain was NOT in the spirit of collaboration and teamwork now was it?
There are a few DHish problems with the email,
1- he made it confrontational from the get go with cc-ing to the director and demanding others read it as well. The teacher and I had just started to work well together and this is going to ruin that for at least the end of this year. Because we had started to work well for Cait's benefit I wanted to do this from a more collaboration/teamwork base which is why I hadn't responded yet.
I had TOLD dh that this was why I hadn't responded. I had taken her email personally and wasn't in a place where I could answer professionally. She may have said some hurtful things but it could have been out of ignorance just as much as it could be from malice.
He also completely did not take the advice of our ed consultant and just went at it from Dad on a war path.
2- He got some of the information very wrong. Very hurtful information. The bullying episode and the teacher remarks episode. Both of those had been investigated and worked out and some of it was misunderstanding. They way he worded it was confrontational at best and is just going to cause the teacher to dig her heels in.
Ya know, Cait loves this school. She has made friends. It is the same school the kids from her youth group are going to. Sometimes you have to get tough with a district but you also have to know when to be a sales person.
Yes I came here to vent and I certainly needed too. DH definitely stepped up to the plate, but I am worried that the way he stepped up to the plate is going to affect Cait and it is also going to affect my attempts at a job in this district.
Renee
Yeah, but Renee, Good Cop -- Bad Cop WORKS.
And this teacher and this program both NEED some serious going over. Lads, DHs, throw the works at 'em. AND Mama Bear can make nice, too.
I think nothing but good will come from this. The teacher and bullying episodes were mentioned as referring to Caiti crying at night, stressed to the gills about school and that did happen --- whether or not the issues were resolved. I think using those examples could be helpful as case-in-points. The teacher needs to imagine life in Caiti's shoes more, and the shoes of all her other students as well. Otherwise, she cannot ever hope to learn to teach them.
I understand your concern, but just playing nice just may not be enough. If this program and teacher are at all serious about being successful, they will (eventually?) see you and DH and Cait as the resources you really are and work with all 3 of you to improve the work they have undertaken. Very often there is not growth without pain and conflict, KWIM?
AND they all need to WAKE UP!
HOORAY FOR PAPA BEAR!!!!!
Sara
Renee,
ITA with Sara,
You can be the good cop, smooth it over and there should be no lasting repercussions.
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
WTG DAD!!!
Can
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She cried on daddy's shoulder the other night because I had to leave for class. She came to me to talk/cry about it just as I was getting ready to leave. I kind of did the best I could in one minute and calmed her, then daddy asked what happened.
He usually doesn't get the tears and have to deal with it. Seems to have made an impact. When I left she was crying on daddy's shoulder and starting to giggle (that is what he is good at. Making jokes and getting them to laugh).
Either way, as soon as I sent him this email he went all Papa Bear on them.
I talked to him tonight about his reasoning and I do think it was a good thing over all. We shall see what comes from this.
I can't help but think part of the teachers growth this year has been because we are a bit of PITAs and pushy. Perhaps this will cause more growth and things will be better.
Renee
Thanks great!! Can I borrow some of thatt for my ds teachers-he starts High school next yr and I am not looking forward to it!I know we will have HW issues!
Liza
Oh man, I wish I could see her face when she reads that. Awesome.
Jen
Jen
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