How can I help a child who won't .....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
How can I help a child who won't .....
11
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 11:55am

Help himself. Josh has just about ever support system inplace. His teachers are great and they really want him to succed. He is on the Intergrated class and his sp ed teacher is just going the extra mile for him. But at what point is he supposed to well help himself.We communicate and we sign his agenda book and try to all make sure he does well.

This morning i got a call from his sp ed teacher. She told me his report card this quarter has drastically dropped. B-F in SS whic he is quite capable of doing well in. She told me he was missing assignments ans not keeping his notes properly etc. They will tell him straight out to do XYZ and yet will deliberately do the exact opposite. Ex,, the teachers will make sure his notes are done right, help him study etc and then they tell him now Josh put these notes in your binder where in belongs. And he will turn around and just put them in his desk or locker. If they catch him its one thing but they don't always catch him. It is being delibrate. And they know he is capable of doing the work.

Another exampl; Science -- he was supposed to do a small project about the food chain starting at the sun providing energy --plant --bug etc and well be very specific and well crative. Help is allowed. I saw the assignment in his book and asked him about it on Monday and he is like it is due Wed figuring he had time I said no, start it now what do you have to do. He tells me a basic version so I say start it now. And he does a basic thing and says it is done. I asaid are you sure, it looked to easily done for sometjhing that was supposed to take 2 days to do. He is like yeah it is fine. Exept according to the phone call I got. It is the exact opposite of what the teacher wanted. And yet Josh lied about it.

Also i had questioned Josh about his SS notes this week and he claimed the teacher had the other notes to grade them. I questioned him because how is he supposed to study if he doesn't have his notes. And he does this whole I am not Lying bid. he protestth too much. So i wrote a note to the teacher to confirmhis story. Granted I did a double shift on Wed making it hard for me to follow through. And DH missed signing the agenda book 2 days in a row.
But do i have to quit my very needed JOB to make sure this kid follows through. How can i trust my DH.

What do i do. How much can I do the teachers do etc to get this kid to work. I know many of you have the opposite problem of teachers not caring. But Josh has almost always been very lucky and that his teachers do care about him and they want him to do well and they try so hard. But if he is not willing t cooperate what do we do.

I know he wants to get a NItendo DS with his birthday money, but that will be put on hold. He will lose all electronics and will have to earn the right every day. In fact no TV will be allowed if he is any where near the Den so his brothers loose too, because Josh will sneak. I don't want to take away scouts because he needs the social skills that comes with that and he does well there. Hebrew School he actually did excellent there and his Bar Miztvah will be next year(more on that another time).

Bowling may be taken away but again the whole social skills plus helping eye hand coordination etc makes that a tough choice.

I called the spe ed department because i still did not hear from the Autsitic consultant, but she has been in the classroom to observe. But I want to have her help in this and I am not sure I can wait much longer I have been patient.
So hopefully she will call or the department will give me her phone number.

I was so upset I was crying in the shower. I called my DH to tell him that if he wasn't home before Josh is that he may have to call the cops on me or Social Services because I just want to kill Josh because how much can I help him if he won't even help himself and lies etc.

Is this part of turning 12. Is this just part of his cycle, is this because of overload? Having been overboard with the ELAs? I don't know. I am so lost right now.
What do i do?

Rina

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 12:08pm

Josh just redid the missing science project and of course he remmebered everything and he seemed to do okay. We are letting him out to see his friends and then we will come back to it if it needs to be tuned up so to speak.

I am not taking away too much just the electronics: TV, Game boy and computer game. Trust me though it won't last long. And that really won't hurt Josh. Once he starts to show improving grades etc then we will slowly start to let that back in. I think when I initially typed my opening statment i think I was just upset and angry. I am not taking away any of his normal activites, including scouts and all. I know these are important for him. And he does enjoy them and I know taking it away won't suddenly make him better.

I am going to hold a out a little before having a meeting with his teachers (DH and I want to see if we can come up with a better game plan with his teachers) I am going to see if the consultant can come up with ideas, maybe she will see something we are missing.
I know Josh cycles too. And sometimes he can act very responsible, he is right now making Mac and cheese for lunch.
But I don't know how much is motor function or just losing memory after 2 seconds. It may be just part of his cycle and once we get through it Josh will be back. I am sure the stress of the ELAs and his birthday and what ever else just builded up. Plus anticipation of spending the night with various people over the month. During the past month he had spent NYE with my MIL, his weekend prior to his Birthday with his uncle and aunt(it is a treat for each child they spend the night and go to a place of their choice) and then he went camping with the scouts. But I am now looking back and wondering if it waas all too much. Probably is. Josh wanted to do it all and was persistant in it all. And I am wondering if next year I will probably put the brakes on some of it.

I did ask Josh about the hair pulling and he said it felt itchy. I don't see any flakes but i told him to start trying his dad's dandruff shampoo and will see if that helps. he does have an appointment with the Developmental ped on tuesday so i will talk to her about that. I am not sure if Focalin is in the same family as Adderall is. But my guilt is telling me it was stress. He just seems calmer today than he has been in awhile. So maybe the sytress is down. We will see.

But I still agree with Renee and the fact that we need to help our kids to be more independent in the end. It is a slow process but just because they have a Dx of ASD doesn't give them a free pass. i know our kids don't always act the same with punishments. I have seen that with Josh. The stickers fail because he became obsessed with te stickers and not the whys he would earn them. I could take things away but Josh would then try to find the loop wholes and If I say I am taking away XYZ he will then ask if ABC are affected too. So I know Josh is a very literal kid.
But I see peeks of a very responsible kid on things he wants. He is taking the initative now and has done so to make himself lunch. He did great last night and picked up what he had to do quickly helping out at the pine wood derby(it helped that the other scout working with him subscribed to the same club of thinking Josh does)But I can see the glimmers of hope. I just have to figure out how to keep triggering that.

Rina

Pages