How do I deal with Mother-in-law?
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| Tue, 05-16-2006 - 10:44pm |
My non-ASP child had a hard time going to Grammies house when he was about two - heck, I still do. It is smokey and boring. I really love my mom-in-law, but she tends to focus on the negative in life - no, she enjoys talking about the negatives in life. Tell a funny story, she'll re-tell it with a look of sympathy on her face, bringing in some sort of dark side...
My PPD-NOS two year old has started throwing tantrums when we prep him for going to Grammies house. He struggles being over there, and does NOT like it when I leave. Like I said, my first child had the same struggles around the same age with Grammie. Now when Tanner cries when I leave, she is totally attributing it to his PPD-NOS. She no longer offers to watch the kids (she used offer all of the time before we had a diagnosis for his learning and social differences) and says she doesn't know if she can handle him.
I totally understand that she is dealing with what we dealt with when we found out he was PPD-NOS, but she is now turning into something that is "her problem," rather than his. It is like she is using it to have another depressing thing to talk about, as well as a reason he might not want to go to her house. We talked to her about her smokey house when we had our first child - saying that we didn't like her smoking while he was in her care, and that kids like to play and run around...It's like she is using Tanner's PPD-NOS as an excuse - if he cries, it isn't because he doesn't like that she doesn't try to talk to him or figure out what the problem is, it is simply because he is "special."
I am so sick of it - unfortunately, I have grown to love and respect my mother-in-law, but I also know that she likes to blame everything on everyone else. I hate that she is suddenly using a label as a reason to back out of play-time (she has already done it a couple of times, using lame excuses like baking a cake for the evening). Not only does my Tanner miss out on time with Grammie, so does my 3yr-old and 2month-old. She also doesn't put together (even though we have talked about this) that the more time she spends with him, the more he is used to it and enjoys his time with her.
I just want to tell her to forget about any time with him because it makes me so angry that she is making this a pity-party for her. IT IS NOT ABOUT HER!!! It is about the son and grandson (and grandkids) that we need to focus on and their needs.
I just had to get it out...
Thanks,
Rachael

Rachael,
I am not the best person to give IL advice. My ILs live 3,000 miles away, and although they are wonderful and caring, I think that distance helps our relationship a lot...
However: my very best friend, who is unmarried, no kids gave me a teriffic insight when Peter was first diagnosed. I was bemoaning the fact that I had had him evaluated at all. Now he had a disability, but if I had just left well enough alone, he would be 'OK' (?) Now everything had changed.
This is what she said to me:
"Nothing has changed."
(me) "What? Everything has changed!"
"No. Nothing has changed. He is still the same. He has always had this. He would have it even if you *didn't* have him evaluated, but that would be worse. Then you wouldn't know about it"
(stunned silence from me)
"Now you know about it. Now you can help him."
So your dear MIL may need access to that same insight: She handled him just fine before she *knew* about it. But he is still the same! He hasn't changed. The only thing which has changed is her knowledge, and she can choose to use that knowledge to empower herself, or to distance herself and create a barrier: Her choice.
She has been choosing the latter.
-Paula
P.S You may want to leave out that very last part.
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Dear Rachael,
This sounds very hard. Have you talked with her about all this calmly and lovingly? I am sure she is not doing this on purpose, but is up against her own inabilities and sadly feeling overwhelmed. She is afraid, and her fear is taking her over. But you sure could use her help taking care of your kids and helping YOU out. Question : Can she come to your house to take care of the kids? This would halp with the smokey house and also the children would be in their own comfortable environment, so easier to care for plus more child-happy things to do?
Anyways, if it were me, I think I would try having some loving heart-to-hearts about how hard this is for YOU, how you need her and how your children need her. Ditto what Paula said - that he is the same child and he needs ALL his family to learn how to help him. I might even give her a book or 2 on interacting with PDD kids? Is he very sensory? I was thinking of "The Out-of-Sync Child has Fun", which has lots of games ideas which are calming for sensory systems, actually would be great activities for ALL your kids. I am thinking it might be good to counteract her pity party with actual suggestions of how she can be helpful... Maybe this will help her snap out of it. How about having dh talk with her?
((((HUGS))))) to you. You have so much on your plate right now, 3 small children and one newly dx'ed. This is the last thing you need to be dealing with as well, but as you love each other, hopefully you can work this thru. My hope is that if you let her know how much support you need, she can come through more for you, at least a little bit!
yours,
Sara
ilovemalcolm
I agree with everything Sara said. A calm, loving heart to heart is in order. I know that can be difficult, I've been there myself with my inlaws. If there's anyway that she is willing to come to your house that's the best thing. My BIL doesn't like my niece and nephew over at my mom's because she smokes (he has anxiety issues and can be a little compulsive about cleanliness.) My mom never actually smokes when the kids are there and is a really great grandma; takes them places, plays games, goes outside with them, doesn't let them get away with murder...etc (nephew is dx with ADHD and possible AS too.) I wish we lived closer to her!!! It really hurt her feelings when my sister tactlessly said that if she wanted to watch the kids on her day off that Mom would have to go over there. My mom told them never mind.
When Sam was the same age (2 pre dx) I had gone back to college. The previous semester he had been in a daycare for a few days a week. DH had lost his job and I wasn't too crazy about the place so we pulled Sam out. MIL agreed to watch Sam while I was at school. She was doing us a huge favor. But she let him watch tv all day and would often put in a video and he'd start tantruming when it was over and she'd rewind it and put it in again. He'd also have a very old diaper on often when I picked him up. DH would try to casually mention that he needed to go outside and that his diaper needed to be checked more often. I was under alot of pressure trying to finish getting my degree so I could try to earn some more money *and* meet my son's needs too.
I snapped one day when I picked him up at 6pm and he was passed out on the recliner with his diaper actually wet enough to soak the chair *and* a bowel movement in it too! Who knows how long it had been in there. It did not go well after that. Her position was that if I didn't like the way she cared for my son, then find someone else. I agreed since she wasn't giving him what he needed anyway. I apologized as best as I could in a letter. I did not apologize for the subject of my outburst, but about blowing up at her. She didn't accept my apology and it took us about 6 months to be on speaking terms again. She even brought up the time I told FIL not to make racist comments around my son; I guess we were just supposed to let them do whatever with no say in how our son is treated. DH is still very hurt over this and didn't understand how their helping us entitled them to their behavior.
I put Sam in the preK at the university I attended (he was 2y9mos at the time.) It was the best and worse thing I did. Sam's differences became apparent right away. I had already been trying to deal with some issues since he was 16 mos or so, but being in a more structured environment with so many kids brought out the issues more. I ended up dropping half my classes and one of my majors to pursue a career that could keep me home more. It didn't help much and now I know why, but then it was hell. And now my career is staying home and I'm not making any money at all! LOL
My MIL also smokes and watches tv all day and did very little but watch tv with Sam. Her house also wasn't very toddler friendly; lots of piles of papers, dirty farm house floors and kitty liter everywhere. She has never watched the baby at her house and only once here at ours when he was sleeping. She has been dealing with undx depression and anxiety since DH was little and uses tv to tune out. She just isn't capable of dealing with the kids in a way I think is appropriate for every day care. She will watch Sam every once in awhile. But when we do that, we know that he'll just be in the chair the whole time, tuned out. She always says, "he was a peach. " when we pick him up. Of course he was......he was watching tv the whole time!
So that's both sides I guess. You don't want to hurt her feelings but your kids' needs have to be met when she is with them.
Good Luck!
Chrystee