How do you
Find a Conversation
How do you
| Thu, 07-21-2005 - 6:53pm |
Hi Everyone,
I would love to hear how everyone else deals with the stress of raising a special needs child. Sometimes I get tired of "everything" being a "challenge".
What do you say to or do for yourself to keep form worrying, fretting, overanalyzing, being tired, frazzled and or envious? I want to be a positive, upbeat mom for both of my children, but some days I do not feel up to the task.
Today I put a piece of paper on my fridge that says:
Focus on this moment...this day.
My best is enough.
Patience and Love.
Focus on how far DS has come.
Put my energy towards the things that matter.
I am hoping it will help me. What helps you??
Chrissy
Edited 7/21/2005 9:52 pm ET ET by ttcabg

Pages
Chrissy,
What helps me cope with stress of a special needs child? A few things:
1) Get enough sleep
2) Exercise (20 mins 3 times a week at least)
3) Not being pregnant (not an option at the moment for me;)
4) DH pitching in at the end of the day or on the weekends
5) Talking with friends on the phone or having lunch sans kids with them
6) SSRI's (antidepressants) - - of course I don't take these when pregnant
7) Learning everything I can about ASD's and actively working on Cassian's disorder
You would be surprised how many women on this board rely on #6. There is a research finding that says that parents of children with ASD's are more likely to have mood disorders, but I often wonder how many of these mood disorders in the parents existed before the kids were born. Something to think about, anyway;) Don't be afraid to see your family doc about trying something to help you get rid of the obsessive thoughts and depressive tendencies. Both of these problems are symptoms of low serotonin, which (if you have the tendency) gets worse with age and stress.
Suzi
I try to focus on how lucky I am to have a healthy child. When I get down, I think about people dealing with much more serious issues in their children like cancer, mental retardation, cystic fibrosis, etc. That usually snaps me right out of it. The worry is still there, but the sense of doom is gone. Although I am fighting battles now with language and behvior, I try to imagine the future, like 5 years away, and how the patience and work now are going to pay off.
But, everyone has a day now or them when they just feel overwhelmed. Don't be too hard on yourself about it.
Most of all, I try very hard to not compare Ian to other children his age- tht is just a recipe for me to start to panic.
Hmm, there are a few things, but you also have to accept that sometimes it still gets the best of you. We are all human. I want to give you one of my motto's.
We are moms just like every other mom. Sometimes we do a great job. Sometimes we make mistakes and our day just rots. But we always get to get up and try again tomorrow. Sometimes I feel like Dori in Finding Nemo. "Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming."
So what do I do to keep myself sane and going? A few things.
1) Online support and some real friend support from other moms in the same boat.
2) try and have fun with my kids. Whether it is spraying them with the hose, being silly, singing and dancing in the living room. Nothing makes you happier to be a mom then to play with your kids on thier level, whatever that level is.
3) Having a non-autism outlet. I love to garden and do home repairs. I love to cook italian food and drink red wine. Hubby and I enjoy going to concerts together. And my newest venture is writing. I am working on a fiction project I hope to be able to share with all when the time is right. Others like exercise, reading, shopping, crafts, etc.
4) Supplements and diet. We all in this house are doing that and life is much better since.
And just accept that you are doing your personal best and anytime you screw up you can start again. Sure I get depressed, overwhelmed, frustrated too with this lifestyle. It wasn't the one I choose when getting into this parenting thing. But it isn't so bad years into it. Sure maybe my 9yo can have major meltdowns, but I know lots of mom's who's 9yo's won't kiss them goodbye in public. I know lots of 9yo's that will tease other kids and special needs kids in a mean spirited way. Mike doesn't have a mean bone in his body and is extremely kind and loving to kids who are needy.
Renee
Renee,
You are so right. Every child has or her own strengths. Somewhere this week (maybe O magazine) I read about the tendency for women to compare themselves to others and the article pointed out that even someone who has an amazing talent to speak in four languages still can't comprehend numerous others. A gifted pianist probably isn't a top notch mechanic, etc.
I know that and yet on a daily basis it is just hard for me to hang on to. DH is much better at it. I am trying to follow his example.
I love the Dori motto! What supplements and diet? Fish oil?
Thanks for sharing.
Chrissy
You are right Suzi. Sometimes I need to just get back to basics - like sleep and exercise. DH is a tremendous help. I couldn't do it without him. TOnight he took the kids in the pool for an hour and I just stayed inside and read.
Like you, I am also very driven to read everything I can get my hands on about ASD's which results in lots of positives (being up to date, learning about new therapies, etc.) but also sometimes means I make myself crazy. :) I do have hobbies and think wine drinking might become a new one. LOL.
Chrissy
I do try to be thankful for having a healthy child. I get vivid reminders of others who have it more difficult when I drop DS off at spec. ed preschool.
What helps you keep from comparing your son with others? Whenever we are around same age peers (NT ones) I am scrutinizing and analyzing everything in sight. I have a hard time with that. I know intellectually that it is unproductive but I do it anyhow.
I hope my little reminder will help me....to just live in today. Thanks.
Chrissy
Well, all of us take supplements, but in this case i meant the ones I take and I am careful about my diet too. Never know it by the 20+ lbs I still have to lose, lol. But it has made a huge difference in my mental health by eating a healthy diet and taking supps. I take a variety, but for mood I have found fish oil to be the most helpful. I also take ginseng, C, Calcium Citrate, B-complex, oh and there is more. Can't think of it right now. Been adding 1 at a time and researching to see what will help me.
I have cut out as much refined sugar, refined flour, processed foods, as I can. We don't by mass processed meats either. We are careful to get those that are not given hormones and are minimally processed. It is more expensive so we don't eat a whole lot of meat anymore. Mostly whole grain, organic type diet that borders vegetarian. That has made a big difference with cravings, mood swings, etc. I think it goes with sleep and exercise. We need to keep ourselves healthy to keep our brains working correctly and effectively.
Ya know, I forgot to mention. Another thing that has helped me is to not expect my kids to be typical. So we can't do typical family things. So my kids aren't in sports, or scouts. We know that disney on a busy day would be a disaster. By taking a less stressed view of trying to do what we think we are supposed to has helped. Actually, things have gotten so much better that today for the first time EVER I took all 4 kids to the movies myself and it was successful. We can do lots more these days and it is an incredible thing.
I was feeling just as overwhelmed the other day. I was just sitting there at the end of my rope thinking WHY does this take every moment of everyday for all of us. It's tiring being on constant patrol trying to avoid any meltdowns ect.. I then began to think of the good points of my ds's personality that have helped to contribute to the family. For instance he has a very strict adherence to the rules, which being the oldest he has passsed on to his younger siblings or his love of reading which I believe has made it look more appealing to the younger kids. I so often think of the chaos he brings to our family, looking at the positives made me feel so much better.
Amanda
>>What helps you keep from comparing your son with others? Whenever we are around same age peers (NT ones) I am scrutinizing and analyzing everything in sight. <<
Chrissy,
BTDT. In the end, I just stopped doing it. I FORCED myself to stop. Now I compare my kids to themselves three months ago, six months ago, a year ago. Then I see the progress and how far they have come. I celebrate their individual strengths; -each of my kids have talents that are uncommon in 'regular' kids. I try to help them with their weaknesses in a constructve and positive way.
Yes. sometimes, I will see a younger kid who can talk circles around one of my kids, or who can ride a two-wheeler bike. That kind of gives me a jolt sometimes, but now it's less for myself, but for my kids, who are getting to the age where *they* feel the differences sometimes. That's tough.
But we have a lot of little victories. After four yeas of therapies, and hard work, my kids are making great progress and have learned very well how to act in public (most tims). I had to take them to a crowded clinic the other day, and they were absolute angels. I just *know* other adults were thinking "thank goodness that woman's kids were well behaved" (because I saw the Looks when we walked through the door) Peter's SpecEd teacher told me at the school picnic, that I was lucky to have such great kids. I kind of had to think about that, because I get so caught up in the issues, that I forget to smell the roses sometimes. But you know, Mr H. is absolutely right. I am very lucky. It just tok me a while to realize it.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Paula,
What does BTDT mean? I know you are right though. It sounds like something Dr. Phil would say to a guest....How do I stop? You just commit and stop it. LOL.
For me, it seems to come in waves. I do well being positive and forward focused for a while and then I will have a spell of a few days or weeks where I feel worried, and analyze and what if everything to death.
I think I am back in a more positive place now. Thanks.
Chrissy.
Pages