How do you deal with jealous sibs?

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Registered: 04-26-2006
How do you deal with jealous sibs?
3
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 4:22pm

My three kids are constantly fighting for my attention - yes, even my 5 month-old has learned to scream to get mommy to pick her up ALL THE TIME! Unfortunately, my little PDDer isn't as loud, so I usually offer my attentiont to him more than the others. I know, I know, I'm sure someone down the line will tell me I have psychologically scarred my other kids...:)
My oldest (3 1/2) is really jealous of all the other attention my little Tanner gets from his ASD teachers. He also gets to go to school every day of the week this year, and ride the bus. My oldest is very, very jealous of that. He will be going to preschool, but I am constantly torn - how much do I do, how much do I put down as something he just has to learn to live with?

Rachael

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 4:46pm

He will learn to live with some.

Basically, I think often it comes down to alot of guilt we parents feel when raising ASD kids. We are professionals at feeling guilty, but you don't need to. YOu love your little 3yo I am quite sure. I am sure you give him the attention he needs. There are times I am sure he could use a little special attention due to the situation but don't feel like you have to provide it 24/7 because of the guilt. That will be no better for him than not providing enough. He also needs ot learn some independence skills, etc, and not be entertained all the time. Try to think of how you would parent him if there wasn't an ASD kid in the house? Are you doing that?

Fair isn't everyone getting the same, it is everyone getting what they need. Your ASD boy needs the extra therapists, school and the bus. The NT child doesn't but he doesn't need those, he has his own needs. You don't need to do "equal" for the NT boy. There will be things he can do that the ASD child won't be able to do. All that time in school and the ASD boy doesn't get to spend with mom, go to the park, have playdates, etc.

It is a challenge to try and raise multiple kids in a situation like this. Some times it is most challenging for me to try and figure out how to parent Emily and what to do because of the feeling of unfairness but I am getting better. Expectations have to be higher for Emily or she will not meet her potential. She doesn't need therapies and the other kids do. That doesn't mean I make up therapies for her or keep the other kids out. But I do try to make sure she has some special activity for her now that she is older. (She likes bowling currently believe it or not). I also try to make sure she gets play dates, etc.

Some of the things I did when Emily was little was to take her on mommy dates when the others where in school or preschool. We would go to the park and about one day a week I would take her to panera or starbucks for a little date. I did the same with Dave last year in K. When the others were in school we had our special time 1x a week with a date at panera.

Perhaps try to make a special date with him that is just you time. Try to do it when the other guy is at school so he isn't jealous. But when he is screaming for your attention 24/7 at home realize that giving him that attention or being his constant entertainment isn't healthy either and really not what he needs. Try to separate out your guilt feelings and look objectively at what he needs as a preschooler.

HTH

Renee

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Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 7:25pm

Just do the best you can. I try to remind my oldest dd when she feels thinks aren't slanted her way, of the things she takes for granted. I allow her to go to the park by herself, she goes to friend's homes for sleepovers. I let her go to the movies and swimming pool by herself (or with friends). I try to remind her of the big girl things she gets to do and contrast that with the things my youngest still struggles with. She can't ride a bike, has to take afternoon naps(or gets cranky), doesn't have any friends, needs supervision at her bath times (epilepsy), and until fairly recently...needed help wiping her bottom. I could go on, but it becomes quickly very clear how they are two different people. She outgrew some of the other jealousies she had when she was younger...but just had to live with them for a time until she grew to realize that they were silly. I ask her if she really wants everything to be equal and illustrate how much she would lose. My dd is not 3 1/2 tho, so it's much easier to use logic with her. I think it has been an ongoing process, soothing her fears over the years and not just something she was able to get with one talk. I tried to address her concerns when she was emotional about it to show her I was in touch and did care she was upset. I think that helped her even tho I didn't have the solutions she needed. She seems to have overcome her jealousies that I'm aware of. Also, now that she's older, I can do things with her that I can't do with her little sister...and she sees that. I let her know I enjoy being with her when we do our own thing, even if it's going for a walk.

I was an only child (4 years old) and one day, my aunt came to live with us. She was 5 years older than me. My grandma had died and now my aunt was orphaned out to her grown siblings. I remember I was extremely jealous of my mother's attention. Even tho I knew grandma died...I couldn't correlate it with my mom being extra kind to my aunt at the time. I was furious I had to take naps and she didn't. I was furious she got to stay up later than I did. I literally just felt like I everything I knew was crumbling before my eyes. I enjoyed my aunt's company and loved her...but was certain all these things meant my mother loved her sister more now. I did really feel replaced and I remember being such a brat about it really. (My mom is a saint!) I don't recall if my mom tried to explain to me the why's of the situation, because they weren't very good about talking with me...I think they assumed I understood the correlation that grandma died and we had to be nice to my aunt. I don't think they helped to give me the words for how I felt and it was okay or how my aunt felt, etc. It was just sort of dropped in my lap, or it seemed that way. I was also a control freak and I think being given some importance somehow in the situation would have gone a long way to soothe my ego. Anyway, my aunt ended up with another sibling and I grew up later realizing what a self-centered stinker I had been. I don't know how this story helps you, because I did not have any siblings so I consider myself the least expert of all on understanding siblings...but I very distinctly remember how I felt at that time.

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Registered: 02-20-2001
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 9:02pm

Rachael,


You may also at some point want to consider a sibling class for your older DS.

 


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