How do you encourage without being mean?
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| Fri, 06-15-2007 - 2:27pm |
I feel like I'm always 2nd guessing what I'm doing with my kids. The older kids wanted to sign up for swim team. 8yo AS ds was semi-willing but not too sure. He forgets from year to year that he likes water and swimming. His skills admittedly aren't great, but that's not what bothers him so much as the fact that he forgets he likes water/swimming.
Because of storms the past few days, yesterday was the first day I could take ds to swim practice. He stalled a bit and wouldn't get it. I finally insisted he try. He started to freak out. I finally got him calmed down, but he was still very nervous. Because he wasn't in full-blown freak-out anymore, I decided to push him some more, and I physically put him in the water. I then threatened him with negative consequences if he wouldn't swim one lap (or the 1/2 lap the coach authorized). He finally swam, got out, got high-fived by the coach, then came to me and said, "And to think I was scared of that! I loved it!" He then voluntarily swam a few more laps.
This morning at practice (6am practice today, ugh!), he'd already forgotten that he liked swimming, and I had to physically put him in the pool again. After swimming the first lap, he loved it and swam some more.
Now I'd never push him so hard if I didn't know he truly loved swimming and loved the water. I know it'd just totally backfire. However, I'm never quite sure how much I should fight ds when he first starts freaking out each time that we're going to do something he's forgotten he likes. I know he truly feels terrified, and I don't want to terrorize him. Neither do I want him to limit himself in life just because he never has to push himself or because he's constantly forgetting he likes various things.
I felt like an idiot last night and this morning at practice. I'm sure half of the parents were thinking I was torturing my kid, and the other half thought I should probably be tougher (one guy told me he'd just throw his kids in the pool and make 'em learn to swim -- I did mention ds AS to that guy). Where do you find the balance? Thankfully we have an awesome coach who's very encouraging, pushes the kids, but isn't mean.

This is something I struggle with all the time. I wish I had some advice for you.
With Haley (9yr AS), I can't seem to get her involved in any activities at all. When she was a couple of years younger, she desperately wanted to do cheerleading. When a cheerleading camp came up, I tried to get her into it but she had a meltdown over it and refused. She was too embarrassed to get out there in front of other people. Then softball came up. Same thing happened. I have tried Karate, art classes... anything. I can't get her to try anything. :(
I just have no idea when to push and when not to. I want her to get involved in something because all she wants to do is play video games and I don't like that. I want her to develop new interests.
-- Jill
Mom to Erin (19) and Haley (10yo Asp
It is okay to sometimes push your kids. And it isokay to know when to have someone else do it.
I remember teaching my kids to ride bicycles at the appropriate ages. Around 5/6/7 yearsof age. Josh fought me tooth and nail. he was interested but also terrified. But I pushed, I fought, i threatened. I was deteremined to have this kid ride a bicycle. i knew even though ASD was not known then) that it would be a good ego boost. And just over all good for his balance and with Josh's clubfoot etc good therapy for the low Muscle tone. But he got it. He fianlly rode his bicycle. Unfortunately while trying to do some sort of stunt he broke his leg and ended up being out of commision for about 1/2 year. It was a strange fracture but I think due to the clubfoot on his right foot it was just not as strong of a bone and poor muscle strength. But once he was given the all clear sign and that next spring we started from scratch to get back on the bicycle. Again he fought(well it was not a pleasant experience breaking his leg) But again after hearing his 40 yr old uncle never learned to ride his bicycle and his parents gave into his refusing. I wasn't going to have that. But again we pushed, fought and threatend over learning to ride his bicycle. Happy to say Josh learned to ride a 2 wheeler bicycle. And is currently a happy 12 year old who is outside now riding his bicycle.
Now for swimming lessons. Again scared silly refused to try and learn would cling to the wall etc. Not jump or anything. We fought, cried threathen. But again< i felt learning to swim was a very important skill needed. Esp having an inground pool. But after not succeeding and having town lessons where they focus on the American Red Cross swimming lessons and realizing Josh would never get out of beginners because he could not float on his back. We opted for private lessons in our back yard.
The girl came 1x/ week and taught Josh how to swim at his own pace and taught him based on his own capapblites. Now he will jump in the pool with out thinking twice. We still have a ways to go but at least now he isn't terrified. And I hope to find someone this year to do more private lessons and now include my other 2.
I guess my point is that it is okay to pick your battles to know when you should be fighting over something. Esp if it will promote saftey. Or in general knowing that you can't give in every time. Also know when it might be better to have someone else do it. take adavantage if you know your kid will behave better with others and in a young girls world respond better to a handsome boy/boys good looking girls etc. Sometimes I think if we teach our kids that it is okay to give into their fears it doesn't help them later when it comes to taking chances in the world.
I knwo Josh gets nervous about things. Sometimes it is ahrd for him to perform, but there is a light on him in his world that he wants to do things. So many times he seems to be able to push back the fear and just do things.
And he does it often enough for me to not ush on other things where i don't think it matters.
Rina
I wish I had an answer as we struggle with this too. I can almost see the conflict inside of Nick too. I KNOW how much he loves to swim, yet every time we take him to the lake we belong to, his social anxiety gets the best of him and he stands on the shore agonizing about going into the water. It is just pure torture. When we go up to the neighbors house to swim, it takes him 30 minutes to get in the pool, but when he does, he spends the next 45 jumping in, going underwater (he does wear a life jacket). He loves to hit a baseball, but if someone asks him (besides dh) to play, he is terrified, doesnt want to participate in any lessons, even swimming. Playplaces (ie, Mickey D's) are a no-no anymore as he sits with his head up my arse even though kids come up and ask him to play. I try to introduce him, get him talking, threaten to leave, etc. He has melted down, it turns ugly. I gave up, we just dont go and he doesnt ask to go anymore. He just cant relate. Maybe someday... :)
Christine
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Christine