How "Normal" is your child?
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| Tue, 07-10-2007 - 12:42am |
My son has not yet been diagnosed with Asperger's (or possibly SID) and on certain days I wonder if he really has either one of those (especially Asp.). The reason is, he seems quite normal (for a goofy 7 yr old). He's very intelligent and hysterically funny. We have regular conversations about everything from countries, to Monster Trucks , to God. He hugs me a lot (more so in the last few weeks) and plays with his younger siblings.
Then there are the many moments throughout the day that are just different...the hand flapping, fear of heights, sounds he makes here and there, and so on.
My MIL teaches high school and says there is an Asperger student at her school. The way she describes him, does not sound even close to my son. She says he makes no eye contact and the teacher had to tell him to say hello, etc.
My son has great eye contact, though he's quite shy with people outside the family. He's not great at making friends, but is learning to do so at school through handball.
So, what does your child behave like? Is he/she closer to average kids that age? If so, how?
Thanks!

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How normal are my kids?
It depends on the day.
My DD is not officially DXed and is so mildly effected, that I will kind of leave her aside for now.
My son is my more effected child. Some days you would never tell there was anything up with him. You
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Yes, I have to agree with Paula. My 10-year-old can also seem very, very normal and esp. to adults. I don't think he appears quite so normal to other NT kids his age, however. But he can carry on conversations, only occasionally getting stuck. At home, he is very comfortable, has great eye contact and humor, etc. His biggest spectrum moments come from bad surprises, such as the other day he got a huge amount of water with clorine splashed into his eye during a water fight at camp, which he was thoroughly enjoying up to that point. He screamed his head off for awhile in panic, a way bigger reaction than most kids would have under the circumstances, but then managed to get out of the pool, roll in a towel and calm down.
BTW, school and home can often be very different for our kids. That older child may indeed be much closer to your son in behavior when he is not under the stress of school, and by the time they are in middle or high schools, the stress and demands are WAY high compared to those on a younger child.
My husband is an un-dx'ed Aspie, and he has learned to hide when his behavior is going to get very spectrum. And when he can't mask it in public, he gets VERY embarrassed. It has been good for him to go through helping his son, as he is still learning himself how to understand what happens to his emotions and body and how to better cope, take care of himself, etc.
Sara
Bravo, Paula! I think your description was pure genius!
Since I have two diagnosed on the spectrum and an aspie husband who has not been diagnosed, I think my family is the perfect example of how no two people on the spectrum are the same.
Okay, for example...my husband has over time (usually via emotionally painful experiences) learned to adapt his behaviors so that, for the most part he qualifies as "normal". There are times, however, when he'll do something and all I can do is think, " Ah! Now there's the aspie I fell in love with!"
With our 10 year old son (dx'd Aspie)- once in a while you'll see him and think he's "normal" but then he'll start googoo'ing about how cute a baby is, playing video games for 6 hours a day, or running away from a bug he's scared of. Since he is aware of his diagnosis, as he gets older he's better able to adapt his behavior to "fit in". He'll never be what is considered a "typical boy"- but his behaviors are a great deal better than they used to be.
As for our almost 7 year old daughter (dx'd Autism) you'd be hard pressed to ever consider her "normal", unless you were under the mistaken belief that she was three years old! There's obviously something different about her, but if you're not familiar with autism you probably wouldn't think that's what is going on with her. She's incredibly social, but very inappropriately so- she has no concept of what a stranger is and has no interest in children her own age. She has all kinds of interesting mannerisms (currently she's sticking all four fingers of her dominant hand in her mouth at the same time)- and at least 50% of her "spontaneous speech" involves TV/movie quotes.
Honestly, spectrum behaviors are so "normal" in our home that at times I swear it's my NT middle child (girl) and myself who are the abnormal ones! LOL
Amy
Depends on the day and year.
When younger I think there were many times I felt my kids could blend in as "normal" even if they weren't. There are less expectations at younger kids so when an ASD kid is quirky, is it that different than a typical child? Some kids may start out looking really autistic when younger but learn coping skills and look less autistic as they get older. It really depends on the time in our lives, where we were at in the diagnostic process if I thought this.
I will say when going through the diagnostic process and shortly after diagnosis I often had this thought that sometimes they were "normal" and sometimes autistic. Maybe I wanted to see normal in their behavior, maybe I didn't recognize then some of the autism in their behavior, maybe those times all the supports were in place and the stars were allinged.
Now, typically my son (11) usually looks different. He can pass at home, if there is only a small group visiting, and he is on the video games the entire time or most of it. If we are out in public in a store and it is just him and I he won't really draw attention to himself as different (unless he stims) but I know through his conversations and reactions that he is definitely on the spectrum. He can pass for short spurts in different activities if he is prepared or all the stars are alligned but only to outsiders, I can tell he is definitely not typical.
My dd (13) can "pass" more often than my ds and often can seem like a typical girl in many ways in public. The thing that gets her is her eye contact. It is pretty horrible some days and when that happens it instantly makes her look spectrum. She is definitely autistic but has learned enough coping strategies and skills that she can pass and can function pretty well without letting on to others that she is. She now even has a number of friends at school and I don't think they all know she is autistic. However, those friends I think know Cait isn't quite typical. They are not friends outside school and she is quirky but during the school day she has lots of kids she hangs out with.
She is able to attend youth group and such without everyone knowing she is autistic. They let some of the stuff slide that I know is autistic like getting stuck, not participating. She hangs with boys and not the girls. Really has no friends amung the girls there. But mostly she is seen as just a quirky individual.
I don't question it anymore because I know how her brain works, how she learns, and how she uses a variety of strategies to cope and appear normal but is not.
Renee
Wow. Thanks everyone. My son just seems so incredibly normal most days, but there are those moments, like during swim lessons or basketball, when he really stands out. Like during swim lessons, all the parents cheered for him the loudest because they knew he was struggling. He was the oldest and biggest kid there. It made me get teary/sad. When we go to Disney, we park in the very high up parking garage. DH usually takes the stroller down the elevator, but I make my son (before realizing what was going on here) go down the elevator. On some days he'd cry (and doesn't care who hears or sees). I'd calm him, then hold his hand and go.
So here's my next question. How much do you push your child? I know my son has to learn to go down and escalator and swim. He needs to learn the basics of some sports and he needs to find another outlet for the feeling he gets from jumping up and down and flapping his hands.
We know he doesn't want to play sports, but we are considering Jujitsu (similar to karate). Would this kind of activity be too much?
So, now. How "normal" should we encourage them to be?
You are all great! Thanks
how normal is your child?how normal are we all?
my sons support worker says that we're all on the spectrum at some point,just some more noticable than others.i'm not on the spectrum but i flap my hands when i get exited.
i read in our local paper that 1 in 53 children born in the uk have some form of autism.how scary is that?i think people are just a bit more clued up on it now,when i was at school,going back a long time ,lol,you always had the'naughty kid' we just didn't know what we know today.
ds is very sociable,has lots of friends,has a fantastic sense of humour,good eye contact and does well academically.most days or even weeks you wouldn't know but he'll have a really bad day,always at school,and you realise.
yvonne xxx
Normal......hmmmm.
Mich
Interesting question.
It would depend on whom you ask as to how "normal" Henry is. Adults that are not around him very often, and most of my adult friends would say that Henry was normal. His teachers would say something about how he marches to a different drummer. His grandparents (both my parents and Glen's parents) wouldn't be able to find a fault within a hundred yards of him.
Other children Henry's age would not consider him normal. They'd probably consider him quiet, boring, annoying sometimes, and not much fun to play with. If they are around him when something upsets or scares him, the other kids would consider him mean or a baby.
Children 3 or 4 years younger than Henry would consider him normal, and he would love to play with them.
He is 7.
How "normal" is anyone, really?
My kids are pretty high functioning as well, but also definitely have their moments where they stand out.
As far as how "normal" I try to make them, I balance it between whether it's something *I* want them to learn vs. something I think will truly benefit them and/or how terrifying it actually is for them.
I did make all of my kids take swim lessons. This year my 8yo AS is on the swim team for the first time. He is NOT a good swimmer AT ALL. He (and his older AS sister) consistently take a distant last place. My kids are also the biggest kids in their group. However, like with your ds, all the parents and team members have been tremendously supportive. They cheer the kids wildly, and my kids feel like they've accomplished something. My dd knows she's not a good swimmer, but when she gets the ribbon that says "best personal time" and it shows that she went from 2:45 minutes to 1:47 minutes to swim two laps, she's awfully proud of herself.
Admittedly, swimming did not start off easy for ds. He used to enjoy playing in the pool, but he kind of psyched himself out, and the last two pool seasons he's forgotten he liked being in the pool or that he could even swim. At the beginning of each season, I'd have to physically place him in the pool each day for several days. After a few minutes each time, he'd remember he liked it and be fine for the rest of the day, but the next day we'd start all over again. We're far enough into the season that he enjoys the pool now.
I pushed the swimming because I thought it was a good life skill, I knew he really did like the water and was just psyching himself out, it's a skill dh regrets not having learned, we're only a block from the pool so the kids get to see a lot of neighborhood friends/acquaintances and strengthen those relationships, etc. Even tho' I don't think ds swimming skills will ever be strong, he's at least COMFORTABLE in the water now, so if there were a water emergency ever, I think he'd be able to keep his head and help save himself instead of panicking. This has also made him able to better enjoy several family reunions and other get-togethers with acquaintances where water play was the featured activity.
There are a lot of other sports activities I don't push because his motor skills are so poor, his interest is so low, and the probability of teasing from peers is so high that I just don't make him try. P.E. in school is more than enough for him. He DOES enjoy playing around with martial arts, using a video we got him. I've not enrolled him in an actual class yet 'cus I'm not sure he'd be ready for it, but it's at least sparking some interest.
With escalators, it helped my ds that we have a NT ds who LOVES the escalators. AS ds would watch NT ds play on the escalators (continually riding the escalators up/down), and he gradually warmed up to it. He's still tentative around them, but he at least enjoys them more. What if you were to play on the escalators a little? Sometimes it helps my ds if we make up "wouldn't that be cool" stories like, "wouldn't it be cool if the escalator had a button where you could steer it, and it could drive you out to the car when you're tired?!" Or, you could play games like "if we get to the top of the escalator before dad gets to the top of the elevator with the stroller, then he has to give us each 50-cents."
There are some things that drive me crazy that I just learn to deal with and hope he eventually overcomes like my AS dh did.
So, aren't all of our kids really on the the other end of the spectrum in the normal range? Meaning, I don't want to label my kid with something that suggests he's not normal, when he really IS (but just quirky).
Make sense?
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