How "Normal" is your child?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
How "Normal" is your child?
18
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 12:42am

My son has not yet been diagnosed with Asperger's (or possibly SID) and on certain days I wonder if he really has either one of those (especially Asp.). The reason is, he seems quite normal (for a goofy 7 yr old). He's very intelligent and hysterically funny. We have regular conversations about everything from countries, to Monster Trucks , to God. He hugs me a lot (more so in the last few weeks) and plays with his younger siblings.

Then there are the many moments throughout the day that are just different...the hand flapping, fear of heights, sounds he makes here and there, and so on.

My MIL teaches high school and says there is an Asperger student at her school. The way she describes him, does not sound even close to my son. She says he makes no eye contact and the teacher had to tell him to say hello, etc.

My son has great eye contact, though he's quite shy with people outside the family. He's not great at making friends, but is learning to do so at school through handball.

So, what does your child behave like? Is he/she closer to average kids that age? If so, how?

Thanks!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 1:29pm

There is a statement out there "If you have met one child with autism, you have met one child with autism". The reason I bring this up is just because your DS doesn't look like your MIL's student doesn't mean he is not AS. It will take a good diagnostician and thorough eval to really determine that.

As to your next post about how much do you push them to be "normal". That there is a fine line.

1- I don't push them to look normal. I want them to be comfortable with who they are and in their skin.

BUT I DO push them to be functional. Learning to swim, going down an elevator, these are functional life skills. Yes, that I would push - with accomodations for how they learn. That doesn't mean I would make him take swim lessons with a big group or force him on an elevator. But I may teach the swim skills my self in a functional way so that I knew he was safe in the water. And I would likely use social stories or some such to teach how to take an elevator then start of small like going one floor on a glass elevator he can see out of and reward him for that and keep on working it that way.

I don't make them "look" normal though. I don't force eye contact, I don't make them not stim, I don't make them not have access to their preferred interests. This is all part of how the brain of a person with autism works and needs to be accomodated for an understood IMO. for instance, with stimming, if I force my son to look normal and not stim or if he thinks he can't he gets stressed and the other option is yelling and melting down. hand flapping or movie lines to me is much more functional then screaming at people. Autistic happy functional kid or normal looking mean stressed out can't do activity kid. I go with the autistic looking one.

Renee

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 1:38pm
DD is 5 (no official dx, but it fits SOO well) and has days and places where she's more normal than others. The regular passer by would likely just think she's an active 5 year old with a really lax mom. My family knows something's not right and is extremely supportive. We have regular get togethers and DD is often a subject of conversation. They always want to know what we're currently doing and what they can do to help. DD's regular pre-school teacher sees issues, but is able to work well with her because her son is ADHD. Her current summer teacher (just daycare/babysitting) thinks DD is weird, though she's never said it. She's a young gal and doesn't have a lot of education when it comes to special needs kiddos. In my conversations with her I can tell she thinks DD is really odd, but has no idea what to do about it. The kids at DD's daycare think she's the naughty kid or the cool kid. They are always excited to see her, even though DD could really care less. The kids at school have learned to avoid DD at certain times, and have learned where to sit at meals if they want to keep the peace. At home DD and I work well together and I don't see too many issues, unless there's a change in schedule or too much noise. She tantrums with biting and kicking and has a very hard time calming down. as I learn her brain I learn these triggers and home time is getting more "normal." The only other place I see it is in pictures. She doesn't know how to smile. Candid shots, and professional shots nearly never had a smile. This year I finally gave up trying to get a good smile and went with a black and white that shows how she usually looks, with her very somber, thoughtful face.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 2:05pm

Wow-that's a loaded question. I'm not sure exactly how to answer, but I'll do my best. There are some days where Lily seems like a pretty typical 4 yr old. But, then there are other days where her autism seems to be more obvious. If we're hanging out at home and she's doing really well playing with her big sister, then it's easy to think that her pdd-nos dx isn't right. But, then when I see her around other kids her age, it hits me like a ton of bricks. Don't get me wrong, she is continually making progress. But, then I realize that while she is busy learning new things so are her peers. The developmental gap doesn't seem to be getting any wider at this point, but it's not getting much smaller either. I try really hard not to compare her to other kids, but there are days when I can't help myself. It seems like she has more good days than bad the older she gets. Summer time can be more difficult though because she's out of school and her whole routine is changed. I used to try to figure out what triggered her bad days, but the only thing I've learned is that she's too inconsistent with it to find a pattern. To many people she seems completely "normal" because she is very small for her age. They just assume she is 3 yrs old instead of almost 5 and that explains most of her immature behavior. She does much better with adults and uses pretty big words, so many adults she's around tell me how smart she is. The kids love her, but she could care less. She still flaps her arms up and down when she's excited, but other people just think it's cute. I hate to say it, but the hand-flapping is sometimes embarrassing to me lately. Lily prefers to play alone for the most part. Her eye contact comes and goes. Some days it's almost normal and other days, we can hardly get her to look at us. She reminds me of a butterfly. She will have times when she will come up to us and give us a hug and seem to really connect with us and then the next thing we know, she has fluttered away and we can't "catch" her again for a while. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. Anyway, you're not alone in feeling the way you do.

Amy~Natalie & Lily's mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2006
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 2:06pm

Hi!
My son, Nick is 5, Aspie, ADHD and social anxiety. I agree with the others as to it depends on what day you catch my son! Some of the time he looks/acts like any other NT child. If you were to ask my father who is in complete denial, he just needs some more discipline . However, he hasn't seen Nick on the days where he has to have the hot wheels sorted by type, color and then lined up in his car lot before he can move on to the next activity. Transitions are huge around here, they don't happen very easily. Shower night is a source of angst! His peer relationships are pretty rough, but yet when in the company of adults, he will strike up a conversation, case in point, when we went blueberry picking 2 weeks ago, he struck up a conversation with one of the owners in the field (she was in her 60's) and talked his head off with her for 25 minutes while we picked. Yet he can't seem to find anything to say to another 5 or 6 year old. He has the typical lack of eye contact, but is very talkative, although I am trying to figure out how much he understands. He can repeat infomercials and parts of tv shows, but cant remember what I just asked him to do. He rages and can be physically violent, but can also be very cuddly and huggy.

There are days where everything runs smoothly and then days where it all just falls apart. Sometimes we take him places and hold our breath that it will go ok, and it does and you would never know that he has issues, other times he has melted down somewhere and I'm sure people think he is just spoiled rotten! I have given up on comparing him to other kids, although on a side note, I can say that in some areas he is more immature than his peers, and I don't know if I even have a baseline of what normal is for him. There are days where I see him struggle with himself, to get a thought out, to try to explain something, to finish something, his frustration, if he can get that finished, then we are having a good day :).
Christine

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Christine, Proud Mommy to Nicholas, 5, AS & ADHD..My eternal sunshine!

< < Photobucket

Christine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 5:02pm

Bear with me while I figure this out....

My son got into the car today after vacation bible school. All the kids were talking at once and I heard him say something about people saying "save the best for last", "last but not least". Something like that. I tried to ask him what he said, but he was distracted.

So, we get home and he says "Mom, we ran today". Then he went quiet. My son is a gorgeous, suntanned, strapping young man (and is all muscle). But, his running gait is peculiar. Seriously. We've worked on it, but he still trollops and swings one arm. It was funny when he was little, but not so much now. It's almost like he doesn't even try to run fast. In basketball, he would tippy-toe run, like he was hanging back (which he probably was).

Anyway, I could tell that today bothered him. He then said there was an obstacle course. Lord help us! He couldn't do the hoola hoop (can most boys?) and says he knocked over all the cones. Poor little guy!

He is last for everything! When he was in pre-k, he was even ALWAYS the last to finish lunch. They'd all be sleeping and he'd sit in the dark classroom and eat. He's always at the end of lines too.

So, he has the physical ability, or the strength to run quickly. He could stomp past all those kids! How do you get him to try harder? How do I deal with him feeling bad about himself?

Next question....Do you tell all adults involved in your child's life about his/her condition? I know this is a personal decision, but I'm curious as to how many people you speak to.

I know I'm not saying anything to his friends' parents. The only thing I said to the VBS teacher yesterday was to watch him because he wanders off. I'm thinking just a Dr. and his teacher (maybe).

He says he wants to play soccer. I want the parents to be kind, but I don't think I need to go around explaining to everyone either.

Last Question...where can I go for resources? My insurance plan referred me to a social worker. There is only ONE from this organization for 2 large counties here in CA. I'm guessing it's going to be a while. I was hoping to get something going or resolved by the time school starts.

Think that's it for now. :) Thanks ladies!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 5:08pm

By the way...the last day or two, I've been preparing him for the Dr. visit. I told him we're going to see if the Dr. can help him feel better with heights, etc. He said, "Mom, I think I have a phobia". What a smart guy!

I don't want him to think that we think that he's not perfect or that there's something wrong with him, or that he needs to be fixed. I want him to feel great about the boy God made him to be!!

So much to figure out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 6:01pm
It is a lot to figure out. I don't think we figure it all out at once either. As our kids grow and change, we have new things to figure out. My Matthew is going to turn 9 in 2 weeks and was just diagnosed 2 months ago. He definately has days when I think, Nah, he's really normal, we were wrong. But I again have to remember that part of the criteria for diagnosis is social interactions. There he is not on level with his peers. He can have great times and days even, but some kids are more understanding than others. When things are going his way all is fine. But he doesn't handle changes to his plan, or disagreements or unexpected things well.
As far as the physical things (swimming, running, etc.) We handled it this way. He tried soccer at 5, when his running looked almost like someone who had had a stroke. It didn't go well for him for that reason and because he just wasn't that aware of what was going on around him. We started Karate when he was 6 and he loved it. It is such an individual sport that you just work on improving yourself. The whole team doesn't count on your performance. We've done that for 3 years now and he tests for his brown/black belt in one month. But the best of all is that it improved his coordination and strength so much that when he decided he wanted to try soccer again this spring he was able to keep up much better and really loved it. I imagine that your son is really strong, but maybe some karate or physical therapy could work with him on his coordination.
Sorry for the length, hope things go well with the Dr. appt.
Kara
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 6:05pm

The thing is, a LOT of AS, PDD, HFA etc kids often look fairly normal. The problem is that they're not. Other people expect them to BE "normal" since they LOOK "normal." That's what ends up causing the problems. They don't/can't act like NT kids act. They are highly capable human beings, but they are not like NT children.

I actually actively sought out a label and diagnosis for my kids 'cus I wanted to know for sure what caused their difficulties, I wanted to help the kids understand why they're different ('cus even tho' they are very high functioning, their differences are becoming more and more pronounced the older they get), and I wanted to have something I could hand to school teachers and doctors and other people when it was necessary. My kids actually often have good eye contact, they can be semi-social when necessary, they don't have as many meltdowns in public as they do at home, etc, so when they DID have a problem, everyone thought it was bad parenting or a bad kid when I knew it wasn't. I want people to understand WHY my child is different and be eager to support them rather than judge them.

Our swim coach's oldest ds is blind. I've used him as an example for my kids and their challenges. This blind boy is a highly successful kid. He's done very well academically. He has a beautiful singing voice and has traveled around the world with a singing group, etc. On the other hand, there are definite deficits that this boy has.

There's no way his parents could have expected him to be successful if they'd said "oh he's normal, he just has some slight vision problems." If they'd done that, he would not have gotten accommodations for learning, or a cane to walk with, or any of the other supports that have made him the successful young man he is today. Teachers would have been irritated that he bumped into things and didn't walk as fast as others. They would have considered him defiant because he wouldn't read the words in front of him. Children would have considered him weird and taunted him. Instead he is successful in many areas and has even accomplished difficult things like learning to swim because his deficits were acknowledged and accommodations provided.

I see that a lot like my AS kids. Their deficit isn't as obvious as this other boy's blindness, but it is every bit as affecting. Both the blind boy and my kids are "normal" in many ways, yet without proper supports in key areas, they will not be successful and many arenas in life will be made more painful.

Also, I don't want my kids to be embarrassed by their diagnosis and feel like they have to hide it and pretend to be "normal" when they're not (they don't have to advertise their dx, either, but I don't want them to feel like there's something "wrong" 'cus they have this dx). By being very open about their differences, it has helped them feel less bad about themselves in some areas where they weren't as skilled and focus more on their strengths. It's also made them excited about their future abilities when they hear that people like Bill Gates are probable aspies, too.

A great book is "All Cats have Asperger's." I think it should be required reading for all school children. Although it features AS, I think the bigger message in the book is that all people are born with different strengths and weaknesses and we ought to appreciate those differences and support each other. It's a cute, quick & easy read (each page has a photo of a cat in a different situation with a brief caption comparing the cat's behavior to an AS child).

Pages